Chelsea 2-1 Man City: The one that Liverpool were NOT playing in

Captain America can't be stopped

Chelsea hosted Manchester City at Stamford Bridge on Thursday night in one of their most important matches of Project Restart. With Man United having closed the gap to just two points with a win over Sheffield United the night before, this was a must win game for the Blues in their bid to secure a Champions League place for next season.

But you wouldn't have known it was an important game if you were listening to the punditry on BT Sport. In fact, their focus was so singular that you wouldn't have known the two teams that were actually involved in the actual football match playing out if it weren't for your own eyeballs seeing it play out on screen. I appreciate narrative as part of sport - who doesn't love a story - but there are levels.

Man City vs Chelsea: The One That Had Everything (Except a Cat)

Defending his man

Is there anything that could have made Saturday’s lunch time fixture more fun? Goals, tackles flying in, dodgy calls, indignation and outrage, a little bust up at the end. I mean, I wouldn’t have said no to an animal pitch invader having a little scamper around the pitch. But for all intents and purposes this game had it all. The task here is basically futile. Words just aren’t as fun - go watch it if you somehow missed it. And not just the highlights!

Over the last two months, Antonio Conte has made this Premier League lark look pretty easy. But Chelsea haven’t faced a serious threat to their system until this weekend. It was definitely set to be a clash for the FM lovers out there. While its typical that the hype surrounding these fixtures is better than the game itself, Saturday turned out to be the opposite. Sure those ‘systems’ were dispatched, but frustration won in the end - which really was a victory for us all. 

As its been ages since the actual game - or may just feel like ages since watching the game on a loop for the last four days - I thought it prudent to just break down the best moments …

Chelsea vs Man City: The One With Players You Didn't Know

Pet the puppy gently, Lenny

Chelsea have always taken the FA Cup seriously. While other clubs seem to view it as an inconvenience until the very late stages of the competition, Chelsea have consistently fielded a strong XI no matter who they faced. To the disappointment of fans who want to see the youth get a chance. In so doing, Chelsea have an impressive record - losing just 3 of their last 21 matches. Two of those three losses came against Sunday’s opponent. As the 5th round draw happened, it looked like Chelsea’s luck had run out in their only realistic opportunity at a trophy this season.

But things aren’t always as they appear - and not everyone rates the FA Cup as a real trophy apparently. Case in point, Chelsea manager-elect Manuel Pellegrini.

New to this whole Champions League lark, Pellegrini could not understand that the FA would not step in to assist with the scheduling of domestic matches with Champions League in mind - coefficients be damned. Obviously this is the first time that any team has ever been mucked about because of TV licensing money / ‘policing issues’. So Pellegrini's complaints were completely warranted and balanced.

Man City vs Chelsea: The One Without Jon Fearn

Costa just can't have pretty things

Oh Sunday. Bloody Sunday. Apologies for being late on this. It’s possible I’ve only just got through the traffic on the M40 and back to civilisation. If any of us are looking for a remote positive from the result it is at least a reprieve for and from Eva Carneiro and everything that surrounds that narrative. Don’t worry Jon Fearn — we’ll never forget you.

Thanks to the sensible planning from the City hierarchy, I nearly missed kick-off courtesy of a forced excursion to the Academy Stadium. And by the looks of how the match began, I don’t think I’m the only one who missed out and turned up exhausted — not pointing any fingers. But you know who you are Cesc Fàbregas* and the entire back line.

Manchester City vs Chelsea: The One When Frank Lampard Scored

After a number of surprising results throughout the Premier League this weekend, the much anticipated clash between Manchester City and Chelsea played out as the most predictable result - with each team seeing just a point for their efforts.

Swansea vs Chelsea: Continuing the BA-ttle

"Hold Me Closer, Tony Danza"

If Sunday's early game did anything it was to throw Chelsea supporters into a bit of a wobble as they tried to do some quick math and put personal feelings aside. Which result would be most palatable pitted against which result would benefit Chelsea's title hopes the most. Taking a moment here to curse Pulis' Palace for this decision even having to be made and then moving on.

Mathematically, a Liverpool win was Chelsea's most beneficial result, as distasteful as it felt. If Chelsea went on to beat Swansea (spoiler alert: they did) it would mean that if Chelsea don't Palace it up again and win their remaining 4 (FOUR!) games with City dropping a couple of points in one of their 26 games in hand - we could see Mourinho wear a trophy like a crown once again.

Sounds easy enough. Chelsea have shown time and again this season that they know how to handle a big match matching title challengers and just about every step. The crux of that ,of course, is 3 of Chelsea's 4 remaining games are against relegation fodder. The fixtures that recall the recent trips to Palace and Villa or even the visit from London's Eastenders.

Manchester City vs Chelsea: Only Fools & Horses

Ivanovic's Head & Shoulders Tribute to Hart

After the Dickensian display from last Wednesday, it was with trepidation that just about anyone with even a passing interest in football got excited about the Gary Neville show Monday Night Football. Big matches get so built up that they usually fall flatter than most of my 'jokes' in the office.

Everyone had a good laugh at 100% of people who predicted that Mourinho would park a bigger and better bus that Allardyce could every dream of having when low and behold, he sent Chelsea out to play -- and win. Tactics ahoy. It's quite possible that so much 'tactic-ing*' was used in this match that preparation for last Wednesday were mildly overlooked. If you close your eyes and try really hard, you might be able to forget about what didn't happened against West Ham.

Chelsea vs Manchester City: Torres Enjoying a Hart Attack

Behold: Match Winner

You were either getting that or 'Joe Hart is no longer Head and Shoulders above the rest' as a title. And despite the absolute shocker Hart had with Nastastic - Torres is the man who deserves the full plaudits and attention for Sunday's match. If you were worried about this being some sort of pseudo love letter to the freckled Spaniard rather than the sensible* match reports you're used to you may be right.

City v Chelsea: When Aguero Met Luiz' Buttock

Oh hi David Luiz' bum

With replay after replay, Chelsea somehow found themselves back and Wembley in the FA Cup. Could the magic of the Cup and new Wembley be enough to trump Rafa? Er, no. No it could not. No magic or luck is powerful enough to battle yet another dodgy lineup. The interim one was the first of many a manager to drop both Frank Lampard and John Terry from a semi-final or final since 2006. And we all know how well that worked out for him.

If anyone has any idea what the tactics were to have Chelsea's diminutive midfield pitted against the juggernaut that is Yaya Toure without any girth themselves, I'd love to hear it. Mystifying choice beyond the fact that Lampard played on Thursday. Either way you cut it, you need both an experienced man and sizeable character if you're going to stop Toure.

Kicking Off the Europa League and Not In Style

Hazard: will not be judged for wearing gloves

The final sixteen would look a lot different in the very much respected somewhat revered Europa League if it weren't for a left footed shot in the dying seconds from a Belgian. Not one, but two of England's four clubs would have found themselves more than a little embarrassed at their progress towards European glory the Europa League tin cup.

This Weekend in the Premier League ... Chelsea manage a win! City and Liverpool Do Not

Cech feels oddly protective of his
ball(s) around Cole 

As it's already Tuesday, there should really be some thought provoking analysis from the weekend in this space. And if that's what you're expecting, you may just want to stop now. Feel free to read any future pieces here though, don't let the haphazard nature of this one put you off. (Although the pictures clearly make your venture here completely worth it - words are overrated) My approach to this week's writing is similar to that of Chelsea's interim manager - cliched, formulaic and only successful by some whiff of luck.

If you were lucky enough to merely catch Match of the Day or -just- the scoreline from Chelsea's match with Wigan it was flattering to say the least. 4-1 was a bit harsh on a Wigan side that were organised and looked like they would draw level at any point. Chelsea's first half was what we've all come to expect at this point - although with excellent contributions from Azpilicueta (no need for the "Dave" bollocks here) and even one Fernando Torres. He may be the favourite whipping boy, but he looked lively and if it weren't for Al Habsi being on top of matters, would have scored. This all does of course mean, Benitez has blagged himself at least another week of like for like substitutions. #Fahct

Chelsea Back to Winning Ways - in the League!

Transformers: Robots in Disguise

Goodbye weekends, hello football. The thief of any semblance of spare time or money has come back and robbed me. And by robbed me, given me some purpose as I leave my pub stool and lager for, well, a seat inside the ground and lager.* And it certainly didn’t fail to disappoint. Unless of course you are fans of QPR, Norwich, or Liverpool. Those three matches saw thirteen, THIRTEEN! goals from Swansea, Fulham, and West Brom. 

As shocking as that is, it gets even more dramatic. Steve Clarke somehow made an actual striker out of aimlessly large Romelu Lukaku. Not only did he score, but he caused trouble - and not just from standing around and being in the way. Too early to consider him for a position on my fantasy team? Or am I really trying to get you to put him in your fantasy league so I’ll win. Or am I writing this at a pub right now, and have lost all sense of what I’m actually saying? That’s SAF levels of mind games right there.

And in news, that's not really news at all from the Liverpool match. Joe Cole featured for 10 minutes before his hamstring gave up on him. Joe, go back to France. Your hamstring can thank me later.

Of course they weren’t the only ones in action, as friendly neighbours Tottenham and Arsenal were both in action. Not with each other... but you knew that already. AVB has started his campaign by sanctioning one of the few top players that he has which of course resulted him starting life in charge of Sp*rs with a 2-1 defeat at Newcastle. However, to no stranger to impressing supporters of the club he’s in charge of, AVB is weighing up Meireles and Chamakh! No really. It’s a subtle way of winning the Chelsea faithful back, showing them he really does have a sense of humour.

Handbags & Gladrags: The Final Day of the Season

"LOOK AT ME" "NO, YOU LOOK AT ME"

Although the dailies have a tendency to embellish facts completely blow things out of proportion to sell papers build matches up to often disappointing results, this weekend did not let most down - unless you were a Chelsea / Blackburn / Everton / Liverpool... OK, there were in fact a lot of matches that at the end of the day, did nowt to the table. So opening with the highs and lows at Stamford Bridge this past weekend would amount to wondering what Lukaku’s actual age is purpose is parents actually fed him and is Cech’s son too young to fill in for Turnbull. The only regrets any Cheslea supporter could have after this weekend was that David Brent’s Steve Kean’s video did not surface twenty four hours earlier.

One of the greatest things to happen in a match has to be when a large number of supporters and players feel that they have scored a goal, run off to celebrate it, only to find out later it was denied. *cough* Andy Carroll *cough* ... The disappointed grumblings and sad little faces is amazing -- unless it’s my sad little face, in which case there is absolutely nothing funny about that. So, to my sheer sadistic delight, how great was it to have Manchester United supporters thinking they won the league six weeks ago and finding out two minutes later, that their ‘noisy neighbours’ had done the ‘impossible’ and won it. Scenes. This moment may top Nani’s tears when he failed the BGT audition as a Michael Jackson impersonator met Jamie Carragher’s boot.

Barcelona: I Had This Perfect Dream...

The look of a man that knows - Terry
is with his bird. aka Bridgeface

Dear Champions League,

It’s been quite a year for the two of us since this:

http://cfc-jb.blogspot.co.uk/2011/04/que-sera-sera.html

Your words seemed hollow when I consider the history we’ve had together, but I have to say, you’ve really worked hard to win me over - despite a few bumps along the way. 

As always, you tried to woo me back in the heat of the summer by putting Chelsea into a group that seems fairly manageable. But by handing over groups to Manchester United and Barcelona that even an MLS team could beat was not really the way to go about winning me over. Realising your error in judgement, you really pulled one out. Unceremoniously passing on all of those minxes Manchester to your little brother - Europa League - was inspired.

Although, if we’re really thinking about doing this, I should mention that Europa League has been flirting with me pretty heavily. Not only did EL immediately also get rid of Manchester, and well, everyone else in England, but has also been flaunting the exotic locations that could be in my very near future. And not that I’m saying you should take a long hard look at yourself - but he doesn’t come as a package deal with ITV. Just a thought. 

In recent years, I may have let myself go a little, started to get a little complacent about my appearance and made some changes - just for you - despite my better judgement. I added some serious volume to my hair, some glorious highlights and worked some Dolce and Gabanna on the touchline like nobody’s business. But you threw it all back in my face in Italy. And it is this very behaviour that makes me distrust you. Lessoning the pain by embarrassing those tarts in North London was your only saving grace. But instead of looking at you - I looked within and changed again. For you. Why? Because I want a big f*ck off shiny trophy!! Sometimes I’m not sure...

The FA and the H-word

Secrets from SoHo Square

I trust, football aside that you all enjoyed a rather pious holiday with your family, and by pious, I mean, drank as much as you could humanly consume in light of the extended bank holiday weekend.

The highs and lows of Easter weekend:

Highs:

• Chelsea legitimately beating Wigan with no offside goals at all*
• Chocolate.
• Mario Balotelli.
• Ivanovic doing a Joey Barton impression circa 2010-11.
• Lampard becoming the first midfielder to reach 150 goals.
• Liverpool’s home form. *this of course may be moved to a weekend low if you are in fact a Liverpool supporter reading this*
• Sp*rs losing to Norwich. Fun for the whole family. *not to be moved to a weekend low under any circumstances.*
• John Terry playing with broken ribs.

Lows:

• Ashley Young’s audition for <insert ‘hilarious’ diving partner’s name here>
• Standard OT red card+sending off for a dive from an offside position.
• FA’s punishment scheme: racism < a couple of red cards.
• Hangover.
• Ivanovic facing a three-match ban.
• The emails I’m about to receive about Lampard’s deflected goals (don’t forget to mention that he’s fat too).
• FA’s rejection of Derry’s red card appeal. Will now face an extra match ban for questioning a decision made at Old Trafford. 
• No one thinking they’d do Terry a solid and consider stopping Dempsey. Good one.

And as we’re all about a good list today....

There were a number of decisions required by the FA this weekend. As tricky as this normally is for them, the amount of actual information provided to them proved too much. They have resorted to the Magic Eight Ball (other balls of prediction are available) for all decision making from this point forward. In that, some decision are correct, some are wrong and some they need to ‘concentrate and ask again.’ You decide what the Magic Eight Ball got right:

• Ivanovic charged with violent conduct for a naughty punch on Maloney.
• Shaun Derry’s ban upheld for ‘knocking over Young with his musk’ via @waatpies
• Balotelli not facing an extra six matches for showing Song his new boots.
• Young. Plays for United. Absolutely no decision.

On to next weekend and now the notorious scheduling of the FA Cup semi-final. After seeing what Chelsea and Tottenham have been producing on the pitch these past few weeks its pretty safe to assume that football will more than likely -not- be the winner. After Monday’s matches against Fulham and Norwich respectively, I’m pretty sure that they are doing what they can to ensure Newcastle finishes fourth. Newcastle! Fourth! With a mere five matches to go, it’s impossible to maintain the patronizing tone of them giving it a good go and waiting for it all to go Campo-shaped. They are looking the most likely to make it happen, and supporters in London will have to hope that someone there gives it a good go.

Further to *that* date and the scheduling of the FA Cup semi-finals, I’m pretty sure that performances against City and Sp*rs should have been -some- indication that Chelsea need all the help they could get ahead of a little matter of the Champions League. But that would make sense, something the FA is very resistant to. It does of course make perfect sense to send 60 000 Chelsea and Sp*rs supporters to Wembley giving them a hefty 7 or so hours of drinking before kick-off. In no way could this turn out badly. 

***

Hypocrisy (def): wishing someone to die and / or laughing at their mother being dead when you incorrectly perceive someone to have disrespected the deaths of others.

The standard overreaction of Liverpool an unnamed club’s supporters to an Arsenal supporter’s comments was shocking even by their standards. ‘Comedian’ Alan Davies apparently has risked his own life by suggesting that their should be a discussion available for Liverpool to play on the 15^th. As an Arsenal supporter, he definitely is not holding any pro-Chelsea bias, but raised some valid points, which should have generated a reasonable discussion. Sure, he could have worded things better, but I that goes with just about anything he says. Whether you agree or disagree that the dates could be reconsidered, the number of death threats he has received since that point has been appalling. I mean, if he deserves threats, it’s for calling himself a comedian.

Good luck to everyone heading to Wembley this weekend.

In my completely biased unbiased opinion, I hope Chelsea the best team wins.

jb xx

*the truth of that may have been stretched mildly for feel good purposes.

Dear Premier League, You Are Welcome. Hearts & Kisses CFC

Balotelli arrives at Stamford Bridge

Football and those associated with it will never be accused of making clever decisions. I mean, you only have to look at Wayne Rooney’s hairline for what I like to call ‘exhibit A’ -- but the powers that be at SkySports really need to have a deep dark look at themselves. But moving Chelsea v City to a Monday night so they can placate Liverpool supporters by reminding them of their glory days  help their birds Xmas shop   couldn’t flip a coin and decide who got a lunch / tea time kick off   thought people would only want to watch Sunderland v Bolton this weekend (shh...I know Sp*rs got on the telly too)  .... I’ve really run out of strikethrough options here, and probably be banned from its usage for the rest of this year.

Anyways, after all that nonsense, an actual football match was actually played in London. With Chelsea’s form being, let’s just mildly questionable as of late, and City failing to lose in the league this season, it seemed to be a foregone conclusion to most people that Chelsea would be lucky to get a point from the whole MONDAY night affair. 

....I’ve taken a deep breath now - and will let the Monday night situation go...

With Balotelli scoring faster than Justin Bieber’s ‘romp’, it wasn’t looking good for Chelsea. There was a moment that even I thought the only one getting a slap in the face tonight would be Titus Bramble’s missus. I’m not sure if it was the rain, the goal, or the concern that Balotelli may have brought actual fireworks with him, but there was a lot of running about without any real purpose for the first quarter of the match. It was almost as if Dirk Kuyt had managed to invade the bodies of Chelsea’s midfield for that first 20 minutes.  

Of course, what is being overlooked is the technical astuteness that AVB showed by bringing on Chelsea’s penalty scorer, on Mr Jenny Frank Lampard just before Chelsea were awarded a penalty. Dumb luck? Obviously not. With Clattenberg in charge of the whole affair, someone somewhere was getting a penalty awarded. Some may say that it was City’s pocket sized Spaniard that should have been awarded one early on. Some may say that it was a dive. But what’s clear from twitter accounts that everyone seems to know exactly what a clear penalty looks like .... 

However, the man making the really big calls last night was not Clattenberg or either of the managers. Late in the match, the fourth official felt that he knew what Chelsea and then City needed by making the substitutions up himself. It was difficult to tell if he had been drinking heavily or just thought he knew better than either of the so-called men in charge. I mean, he’d watched the game like everyone else - surely he knows the player that really should be coming off moreso than the two well dressed men beside him. He wears a tracksuit AND has a board with lights. What gives you more authority than that? 

Should we all have a little talk about the petulance shown by the world’s largest man last night? Apparently not only did Mama Toure not pass on the teachings of not taking pills that aren’t for you, but she also didn’t pass on the ‘pick on someone your own size’ message. I’ll give Yaya a pass on the first kick on AVB’s mini me. He could go with the excuse of not seeing him all the way down there - but clearly did. But then to try and slap him too. Did it make Yaya feel good to pick on someone even smaller than David Silva? There’s some school’s nearby Stamford Bridge, Yaya could have found a more suitable opponent there... Maybe hit up a park on the way home?? Not to worry though, the man in charge with the headset and hairplugs DID in fact see both incidents. So, there’s that then.

Of course I know that none of these things are what you really want to know. What you really want to know was how did City’s goal scorer prepare for the match. He did as the locals do and went for a curry.....

...he went for a curry in a way only he could. Not only did it lead to a cost of £150000 <-- that is the right amount of zeroes... he opted to entertain the other patrons at the establishment by engaging in a sword fight with rolling pins as you do.

Poppadom anyone?

jb xx

Red Cards, Blue Shirts and 'Colour' Commentary

Mario Balotelli's Flying Circus

Deary me, another weekend another accusation of racism. I may be blatantly am a little bias here, but I think the parties aren't quite as sinister. We all know that Chelsea have a bit of a proper naughty captain, but he's not a complete div. He's not exactly going to say blatantly racist things to someone while Ashley Cole is right next to him. The one thing we can all take away from this? There are a phenomenal amount of lip reading experts on twitter. I now have a backup plan when I lose my hearing from going to one too many gigs.

Racist accusations aside, QPR's cup final was nothing if not interesting - for the neutrals. The home fans got to see there team manage to hold their own once Chelsea were reduced to 9 men. I know I'd certainly be giving it large to the away support seeing my team just barely manage to keep their one goal lead with 2 extra players on, plus the genius that is Tom Henning Overbo Chris Foy's refereeing tekkers. Good one Rangers.

Some of you out there may be wondering what Drogba was possibly thinking with *that* challenge. No disputing it was definitely a straight red. A fairly reliable source told me that it was one Gunnersaurus who convinced Drogba it'd be a good idea to be sent off. Arsenal need all the help they can get, and by preventing Drogba's guaranteed goal(s) against them this weekend, it puts them back on the level. How did this evil mastermind do this? Word on the street was he locked him in a room, plied his eyes open with toothpics and played a video of Torres' goals this season on a loop. Gunnersaurus is one sick Clockwork Orange loving mascot. Be afraid kids, be very afraid.

Facing rampant criticism from the genius that is Alan Hansen, David Luiz should carry that as a badge of honour. Never change DL, never change. You should be afraid when Hansen starts talking sense about you. Sure, your first half was a little dodgy, and you've now given up a fair few penalties, but you always more than make up for it. Central defender taking *that* overhead kick? All is forgiven you silly curly man.

Speaking of a bad day at the office, deary me SAF. Is there any whiskey or red wine left within the NW of England?? I could go on about the actual result, but why discuss actual fixtures and results when there are far better things to come out of that match. Mario Balotelli - comic genius. The appeal of the Christmas party he's planning just got better. I mean, just when you think he can't possibly he out do himself, he only goes and sets his house on fire. That's right. In the leadup to Sunday's derby, Mario put the darts away and thought it would be a great idea to set off fireworks out his bathroom window. Was it an early derby celebration? Or was this an early Guy Fawkes bonfire? Only Mario really knows.

How could Mr Balotelli possibly top such comic follies on a Friday evening? By revealing his "Why Always Me Shirt?" after scoring the opening goal at Old Trafford on Sunday. For a man who wears diamond encrusted shorts, a shirt with some naff hand writing with a sharpie just won't do. Mario bribed charmed City's kit man into making that shirt up for him. Expect to see them on sale next to the bluffer's guide to City any day now.

Roll on the Carling Cup - I know you're all on the edge of your seats unless of course you got embarrassed in the last round. Then of course no one wants to win this anyways.

jb xx

ps. I would be remiss in congratulating Petr Cech for being the only player in Chelsea's starting XI on Sunday to not receive a card from Tom Henning Overbo Chris Foy.

I Want to be a Chelsea Ranger....

You know what? Those hair extensions
are doing Rooney a world of good.

.....because there is actually panic on the streets of London. What does this mean, Morrissey is a prophet and Joey Barton is now the happiest man in the world.***

Sorry I'm a tad late with this one lads I had to pick up a plasma, some x-box games and as many trainers as I could handle....er...anyways...

To those of you who looted The Body Shop... The Body Shop? Really gentlemen?... um...actually...I could do with some Satsuma lotion. Just saying.

So, since Danny Dyer is somewhere walking amazingly around Croydon about now where it's got proper naughty, he's really left all of football to us. So get your jackets zipped and white trainers on!

Despite pre-season just ending (and Championship beginning)...oh and some large plate being given away somewhere near Green Man, actual matches that actually mattered are starting to be cancelled thanks to a bunch of chavs apparently in desperate need to stick it to the man. And by the man I mean Gregg's. Does their selfishness know no bounds? People need football and pastries - and now will be suffering the week without either. That's right, there'll be no chicken bakes or West Ham match today. Everyone take a moment to reflect...

And while the rest of you are reflecting I'm going to take a moment to use this space for supporters at my local. Hey guys, remember that time when I proudly ponced in and was wearing my Sturridge shirt and you laughed at me? That is all.

The constantly rotated back line of Chelsea finally showed weakness (that wasn't Ross Turnbull) and conceded our first actual goal of the pre-season. It stung a little. The goal was early, the back line a bit of shambles, the travelling support arguably beyond day drunk (from the night before). I judge.* Thankfully, it was the last opportunity for everyone to show AVB and Robbie what they could do. And one Mr. Sturridge certainly rose to the occassion. He has been out to impress ever since joining from City and is taking the shot he has been given. He did my shirt proud. I'm sure that really matters to him. Chelsea have been missing someone in front of goal who can just put whatever rubbish given to him in. Not to say that was the situation on Saturday. Drogba was as dangerous as ever. He may not have ended up on the score sheet himself, but was definitely a whole lot to handle. Danny and Didier would be two of the first names I'd put on the sheet Sunday (if Danny weren't serving that ban of course). Nico, we've had a good run. We really have. But you didn't want to show and tell as much as the other boys in Glasgow, and you may have to spend some quality time on the bench with Ross and think *must do better*.

Back to this Derby match. Obviously the Big Mac Plate Community Shield is a pre-season friendly [Manchester City]  ..most important and glorious trophy to set the whole tone for the season [Manchester United] the only thing standing in our way for actual football to begin [everyone else] We could discuss Van der Sar's replacement - Manuel Almunia

Er...I've just been informed that it was not in fact Manuel Almunia. After the second goal, I was sure I'd seen him somewhere before. [Ed note: Dear any of the 17 strikers at Chelsea - when facing Manchester Red shoot anything you want from outside the box, it will probably go in.] There was also the fact that Rio "steal other people's phrases and annoy everyone with them" Ferdinand was so busy planning his next clothing line, modelled by none other than everyone's favourite - James Corden, he may have forgot that he was involved in Big Mac Plate and that he was meant to be marking Dzeko.

But the most important part of Big Mac Plate - the mystery of the semi final wink gate was solved. Balo Couture will always outshine any fashion line that Rio has Gavin & Stacey's Smithy modelling. Possibly because he is bedazzled like the disco ball in my gay bessie's room. It was rumoured that one Mario Balotelli left wearing "gold puffa jacket, knee-length denim shorts (diamond hem) and glittering-gold suitcase." This is a man who could clearly give a *&$@ ...Rio is rumoured to be so jealous after sporting those short shorts, that Mario has outdone him once again.


It has also been rumoured that it was the diamond hemmed shorts that started the riots in North London as Chavs across the area searched high and wide. Sorry gents, that type of bedazzling is a Balo Couture original. You're not going to find it in General House Clearance on Lordship Lane.


Oh and welcome to London Town Romelu Lukaku. It's a fantastic time to have a little bus tour around the city before you head to training. Just try and not get hit by a missile before you've had a chance to pass your medical.




jb xx

http://twitter.com/cfc_jb



*I'm jealous.
**I might also be drunk from the night before.
***anyone with access to twitter knows that he may now be the angriest man in the world as he's been incorrectly quoting Nietzsche and should have stuck to quoting Smiths lyrics all along.

Barclays Asian Trophy Glory!

Suffering the fate of those Robert Green who have let Torres
score...Shay Given has been given a timeout to think about
what he has done.

OK, maybe the headline was overstating my enthusiasm a smidge, but let's be honest, it is always fun to win. Although not important to the season itself, confidence is, and that's just what we were missing for large portions of last season - players and supporters alike. You know who you are.

Of course, the biggest news of the game was Frank Lampard being named the player of the tournament!!! OK, maybe that was the biggest news for me. But for someone who was written off by far too many, it was a brilliant source of personal smugness fantastic reminder that he still has a lot to offer on and off the pitch.

*time out for me to drink gin make my smug face fully consider the implications of pre-season*

Of course what grabbed headlines was the "great" goal by Fernando Torres. In no way am I dismissing it with my cheeky little quotes. But I would say it was a goal, and it was great to see Fernando smile score. However a little disconcerting his pavlovian like ability to score against claret and blue. With his only other goal against West Ham, its a little worrying that without them or Burnley in the big boy leagues, that only Villa will face his wrath next season. Sure, those of you in a certain mood will be quick to point out to me that he did also manage a goal against Wycombe, but ponder this - if a striker scores and no one sees it, does it make a sound in the forest?

Exactly.

Either way, Fernando will have a long way to go if he wants to come close to our real pre-season hero Own Goal. Since his departure from Manchester United, and arrival for our Asian Tour, Own Goal has only failed to score in our final match. Is it a matter of not being able to score against English teams, or is Own Goal unable to play with Fernando Torres. Only the coming weeks will tell. Still for the price of Joey Barton, Own Goal has been a delightful addition.

And for those of you who haven't seen it, the other highlights would of course being little Josh getting his first big boy goal and generally being awesome in the midfield. And of course, as we took this ever so seriously, the team abandoning JT as he went to lift the trophy for photos. Excellent prank / team work there lads.

For those of you who enjoyed the adventures of David Cameroon - a few of the other Chelsea players have been doing double duty. After their corner flag teaser, FloMo and Didi managed to recruit Petr Cech and Paulo Ferreira for their band. It does appear that Cech, not surprisingly, is actually the musician while the rest of the lads were his backup rhythm section. Didier of course being the machine that he is by doing double duty of rhythm AND operated camera as David Cameroon could not be there. Interested? In their summers off, they can be contacted for weddings and other events.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mu5TTtu17D0

In other comedic pre-season matches Manchester United found out they could beat Barcelona if they were missing most of their starting lineup and it didn't matter. Of course, by the way it was celebrated, I'm pretty sure this is the big goal that Michael Owen has been tediously promising. Well done Mikey, you managed to get off the bench and earn that pre-season medal.

But the biggest pre-season news, and trophy as it always is amongst my Gooner mates is the oft mentioned Emirates Cup. Ah yes. The gifted trophy from their sponsors. It was good of the Emirates to build them a stadium and then have a tournament all their own to win. But it appears that this season, someone failed to follow the script. Surely they couldn't lose their own trophy in their own stadium (again). How it was even lost is beyond me. The first half, Arsenal spent so much time in New York's half that Szczesny got out a cuddly toy and had a nap. However, in the second half Arsene Wenger probably should have taken my suggestion to substitute one of his defenders for Gunnersaurus. He remained on the pitch so long before kick off I actually thought he'd made the team sheet.

However, the request to have a member of the opposing team play for a pre-determined amount of time (no matter how short) is almost as laughable as requesting someone who wasn't going to play in a match to lift a trophy that has not yet been won. But I digress. Yes, the opposing player in this instance was Thierry Henry, but Gooners, you need to let it go. He's moved on. He's won the Emirates Cup. It wasn't for you. What you lot need is closure - and to pick easier opposition so you don't lose your own Cup again next season.

And this coming weekend it's actually back to proper football. Not quite the league, but just about. Chelsea will be on a steady diet of Irn Bru all week to prepare themselves for the trip to Ibrox on Saturday and Sunday sees the first of at least Manchester derbies with the Community Shield. Good luck to all the City supporters travelling to London this weekend. Am personally hoping for a little nudge and wink from Balotelli again.*

KTBFFH

jb xx

http://twitter.com/cfc_jb

*and by personally, I didn't mean he nudge nor wink at me.... just Rio.

**by just Rio, I mean that Mario should do those things again to Rio. Rio should do nothing to me or near me - ever. Phew...hope that's cleared up.