Barcelona 1-2 Chelsea: The one that saw Frank Lampard lift his first trophy

The big one... all hail the Rakuten Cup

One month into his new role and Frank Lampard has led Chelsea to the dizzying heights of Rakuten Cup champions. A completely meaningful trophy that shall no doubt be revered for some time to come. Insert terrible overplayed jokes about it being more trophies than Mauricio Pochettino, Ole Gunnar Solskjaer, etc and so on. Still no idea why actual trophies are given out in these pre-season friendlies. It’s odd. So nevermind that, Chelsea only went and did a win against fierce rivals Barcelona.

Chelsea vs Wolves: The One that Hazard rescued... just

This guy though... <3

It's not been a season to write home about for Chelsea supporters. On the pitch the football has often looked ponderous while the the seeds of discontent continue to grow in the stands. If ever a match fully encapsulated what the season has been like - look no further than Sunday's clash with Wolves.

It was the perfect opportunity to capitalise on Tottenham's annual implosion and the possibility of Manchester United and / or Arsenal dropping points, to reestablish a position in the top four. Or at least make a statement of intent. But once again, the tactics were wrong against a motivated side led by a savvy manager. One of the two managers in Stamford Bridge's dugout got their tactics spot on -- spoiler alert, it wasn't Maurizio Sarri.

Newcastle v Chelsea: The One where Chelsea won at St James Park

St James’ Park has not been a happy hunting ground for Chelsea. In large part due to Jose Mourinho’s shocking record there, but managers that followed in his footsteps seemed to carry on that tradition. But Maurizio Sarri is not a man to follow convention or tradition. Chelsea only did a win at St James’ Park on Sunday afternoon - their first there in SEVEN years.

Chelsea vs The Transfer Window: The One that needs Hazard to stay

Ooohh... football friends 

It’s rare that anything about the upcoming season can truly be gleaned from whatever we are witnessing in the marketing project that is pre-season. But here we are anyways, ready to speculate and draw inferences that may or may not be true once actual competitive football rears its head — this includes Big Plate match this weekend.

Saints vs Chelsea: The one that sent Chelsea to another final

Saints left on the floor at the sight of Giroud's nips

Antonio Conte has lead Chelsea to their second FA Cup final in as many years. While some of the warm and fuzzies that he cultivated last season may have waned throughout this season, it’s still a great feeling to reach another final. Setting up some intense ‘narrative’ which will go head to head with the Royal Wedding. I have no doubt that Jose Mourinho and Antonio Conte will play their parts to ensure the limelight is firmly planted on Wembley come May 19th. Sorry Ginge Prince (and that girl from Suits).

Watford vs Chelsea: The one that saw tears (and not just Chelsea fans’)

Cesar knows

There’s no getting around the fact that the Chelsea results of 2018 have been poor. Shipping seven goals across 180 minutes does not feel good. No matter who the opposition are or where the team plays. And sitting through three consecutive goalless draws did not feel a shade better. However, some people need to dial their crisis-o-meter’s back a bit.

Some people might want think about what they’re doing and give themselves a social media timeout before their faces melt off. Fans are rife with entitlement and finger pointing. Looking for any sort of scape goat. Two things to always keep in mind are that no team wins every match and when there’s a clusterfuck of results, it’s never one person’s fault. So you’re only working yourselves into an embarrassing state for nothing.

Chelsea vs Newcastle: The one that had Benitez back

When you're facing Eden Hazard in a free role

Rafa Benitez. The name still offers up a visceral reaction — no matter how much I have tried to blank out his brief and boo-y stint at the Bridge. It happened. There’s no denying it. So the next best thing would be to remind him that our relationship, remains a frosty one. Especially as he appears to have completely forgotten how well it went the first time round. 

Hindsight is the egotistical narcissist's best mate. Also works well for Twitter trolls, but that’s a separate matter entirely. For those of you who braved The Hungry One’s pre-match press conference in the build up to his ‘triumphant’ return, you may have noticed some discrepancies in how he remembers his time at Chelsea and how it actually was. 

Chelsea vs Arsenal: The One without a goal

It won't be the last ... 

Literally the worst time that any team can face Arsenal is the moment when they appear to be just your type on paper. Disarray in the dressing room. Having their ground taken over by a bunch of Germans. Failing to get even a single goal past Liverpool's dodgy back line. Everyone has written them off and expects them to concede another 4. Everyone gets lulled into this false sense of security and then bam. Their balls drop. They pull together and put in a performance. While on balance of play a draw was fair, Arsenal probably had the better chances. Thankfully the posts and offside flag were in full effect.

Leicester vs Chelsea: The One that was Zappa-tastic

Fernando -- is that you?

Remember when Chelsea were in crisis FORTY-FIVE minutes into the season? No doubt they’ll be plunged into chaos under the weight of expectation again this season. But it does say something to holding back and reserving judgement for like maybe a whole match. Or even a handful of matches. Unless you’re Crystal Palace and Frank de Boer. 

Still without captain Gary Cahill, Chelsea forged ahead with their back three of David Luiz, Cesar Azpilicueta and Antonio Rudiger. Guttering for Andreas Christensen. Although one would expect he’ll see his chance this month with Chelsea playing seven matches in twenty-two days. It would be nice for the youngster to start in the Champions League - Qarabag anyone? - but may have to wait until Nottingham Forest come to town next week.

Chelsea vs Burnley: The one that only nine survived

My face most of this week

If things aren’t going to go right, they might as well go spectacularly wrong. And Chelsea’s start to the campaign to defend their title was very much the latter. And while the doom and gloom mongers might not want anyone to know, I’m here to share a little secret — there’s still actually another 37 matches before the Premier League season is done and dusted. So there might just be hope for those plucky little upstarts yet.

So just how did Chelsea end up on the wrong side of a 3-0 scoreline just 45 minutes into their new season? There were a few factors before anyone even kicked a ball that they were forced to overcome. 

Stoke vs Chelsea: The One Conte did on a cold, windy afternoon in Stoke

Loving Life

Over the course of ninety minutes on Saturday afternoon, Mark Hughes undid much of the good work he's done at Stoke. While they've been longstanding and reputed bullies over the years, Hughes has attempted to bring a new style of play to the cold, wet pitch in the Bet365iseum. He has introduced unexpected players like Bojan and Xherdan Shaqiri to the squad in an effort to make Stoke's brand of football a little more palatable and a little less pugnacious.

Chelsea vs Manchester United: The One That Was Harder, Faster, Stronger, Kante

Azpilicueta & one of the Kanté twins

On the back of last season you would be loathe to believe it, but Monday night proved that Jose Mourinho can in fact inspire an outstanding performance from Eden Hazard. Chelsea’s mercurial Belgian looked unplayable at times throughout the game. The times where he was on his feet and not having the living daylights kicked out of him of course.

Man City vs Chelsea: The One That Had Everything (Except a Cat)

Defending his man

Is there anything that could have made Saturday’s lunch time fixture more fun? Goals, tackles flying in, dodgy calls, indignation and outrage, a little bust up at the end. I mean, I wouldn’t have said no to an animal pitch invader having a little scamper around the pitch. But for all intents and purposes this game had it all. The task here is basically futile. Words just aren’t as fun - go watch it if you somehow missed it. And not just the highlights!

Over the last two months, Antonio Conte has made this Premier League lark look pretty easy. But Chelsea haven’t faced a serious threat to their system until this weekend. It was definitely set to be a clash for the FM lovers out there. While its typical that the hype surrounding these fixtures is better than the game itself, Saturday turned out to be the opposite. Sure those ‘systems’ were dispatched, but frustration won in the end - which really was a victory for us all. 

As its been ages since the actual game - or may just feel like ages since watching the game on a loop for the last four days - I thought it prudent to just break down the best moments …

Chelsea vs Everton: The One That Remembered

Costa: caged

After some of the scenes last season, I had braced myself for a season of transition. Some dodgy results to come Chelsea’s way and hopefully a handful of players fighting for a position under the new regime. Nothing that has happened in the last 18 months prepared me for Saturday’s scintillating performance.

Difficult to imagine that before the weekend, Everton boasted the second best defence in the Premier League — conceding just 8 goals in their opening 8 fixtures. They left London lucky not to have conceded that many in the afternoon. If not more. But just how did we get there?

Chelsea vs Manchester United: The One That Even Kante Scored

'Hello pot, this is the kettle. You're black'

The awkward moment when you’re forced to come face to face with an ex. Try as you might to pretend that they cease to exist in the universe - surely I’m not the only one - they do. They’re out there. Oh, and they’re with someone else and there’s not a single thing you can do about it. Words get said. You overanalyse them. They take on a life of their own. And by the time you are unwillingly dragged into this unwanted encounter by that bastard fate you have to force yourself to man up. Inevitably there is a winner and loser in these relationships - and Chelsea very much found themselves the former.

Watford vs Chelsea: The One With the Super Subs

Phwoar 

Chelsea have only gone and won another match this season. That’s two whole wins from two whole attempts. And while it doesn’t seem like much, it took them the first EIGHT games last season to get those two wins. So I will revel in this minor achievement. 

Revel!

Real Madrid vs Chelsea: The One That Saw 100K People Do a Mexican Wave

Back off Michy, he's mine

If we’re looking for obvious positives in Chelsea’s 3-2 loss to Real Madrid last night, it would be that they won’t have to face them in Champions League this season. Going 3-0 down to Real Madrid’s subs in the opening 45 minutes was not ideal. Hands up if you had flashbacks to last year’s pre-season!

While Real Madrid did have some excellent players on the pitch - they were not even close to a regular starting XI. If you do feel like a bit of casual self-harm and want to reflect back on the first half, remember there was no Cristiano Ronaldo, Gareth Bale, The Ramos , Luka Modric, Toni Kroos, 

Chelsea vs Spurs: The One Where Spurs Did Not Win The League

Oh haaaiiiiii 

While considered by many to be ‘small club mentality’ or a ‘cup final’ to celebrate a victory draw to the extent Chelsea did against Tottenham on Monday night - I’m not sure it really counts when a) it’s against Spurs and b) said team has had a few fair actual cup finals to celebrate. But most of the teams bemoaning that wouldn’t know about or remember their own club’s achievements.

And let’s be honest, Chelsea fans have had literally nothing to celebrate since lifting the league trophy a year ago. The post-season / pre-season hijinks. The transfer window - incomings and a certain scrum-capped outgoing. And then the season itself. The list goes on. The Chelsea faithful deserved to have a bit of fun at least once this season to celebrate a beloved former manager and get one over on a fierce rival.

Chelsea vs Manchester United: The One with a Last Minute Equaliser (again)

Queing for Mata hugs - who could blame them?

It’s possible that Chelsea’s beloved Guus Hiddink could be using the team to bolster his CV after his failed stints as the Netherlands and Turkey’s head coach. He’s once again swanned in and taken a losing side to an unbeaten side. Opting for DM squared week in and week out, Hiddink is setting up the team to not lose. And while it’s 'worked' insofar as he can say Chelsea remain unbeaten under him, they haven’t really progressed, have they?

When Hiddink took over from Steve Holland JoMo 2.0, Chelsea sat 15th in the Premier League. Overseeing an unbeaten run of SEVEN matches, Hiddink’s side have reached the lofty heights of … wait for it …. wait ….. 13th. Seven matches without a loss and Chelsea have moved up 2 places on the league table. While the teams just ahead of the Blues have done their part to help the cause — Crystal Palace winning themselves 1 whole point this calendar year - Chelsea still have not had a look in at the top 10.

Watford vs Chelsea: The One with Costa's Clothing Capers

Welcome to the gun show

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I’m not saying that Hiddink’s transitioning to Susan Boyle from questionable decision making to baffling persistence - but is there any reason he expects the partnership of Nemanja Matic and John Obi Mikel to work?

Their natural positioning sense means that they continue to be in the same place at the same time and not in a romantic serendiptious type way. They're either leaving  a gaping hole in the midfield or a bit of a mess for someone else to clean up. While the threat of Watford’s attack is real, they had lost 4 of their last 5 ahead of Wednesday match, so Chelsea probably didn’t need defensive midfield twinsies.