Chelsea vs Sunderland: The First One Without JoMo 2.0

Man Love

And here we are again ….

Obviously it’s impossible to say we didn’t see this coming - the end of JoMo 2.0. Of course, the chancers who were constantly speculating week in and week out claiming that *this* game or *that* game was definitely going to be Jose Mourinho’s final one helped - or hurt depending on how you look at it. Either way, we all knew our time together was coming to a dramatic and disappointing end.

At whatever point this season you accepted it had become a matter of when and not if, Chelsea’s conscious uncoupling with Jose Mourinho felt horrendous. I cannot confirm nor deny some of us cried like babies and skipped their company Christmas dos. It was like Michael Emenalo and co. had ruined Christmas — and then some.

Chelsea vs United: The One that Juan Returned (but left without a point)

Reunited & It Feels So Good

Chelsea versus Manchester United is never a match without some dramatic talking points — but they aren’t always the ones that happen on the pitch. Just today (two days after the match for those of you reading this in the future —hi mum!) there was some concern that all Mourinho’s careful foil-Fellaini planning would have to be scrapped just before the match.

Mourinho had spent the better part of last week training his side to deal with United’s unexpected target man — apparently using Ruben Loftus-Cheek as a stand in. However, a doorman had thought he’d seen Fellaini arrive on match day and promptly told Mourinho he wouldn’t be playing. JM had the good sense to suss out that it was actually Fellaini's brother, once again highlighting his next-level genius. Who would ever suspect that there is another person in the world who thinks that a unibrow and fuzzy hair is a style to aim for?! Only Jose sussed out that there could be two.

Chelsea vs Tottenham: The One Where Tottenham Continued Being Spursy at Stamford Bridge

Everyone devastated about Matic's 1 match suspension

Although trying to get into Stamford Bridge last night was a special kind of hell with not all the gates functioning and a somewhat inebriated crowd - the payoff was worth it* for those who managed to survive the crush on the way in. Because Chelsea’s favourite guest was in the house last night and were as accommodating as ever.

Chelsea vs Maribor: The one where Drogba scored a CL penalty (again)

Before all those goals - the view from the press box

With no sign of Diego Costa or his hamstring anywhere near the pitch last night, Loïc Remy got the call to start up front. However, within minutes of the game kicking off it was evident that Costa was not the only one carrying an injury. Remy’s understudy on the night, Didier Drogba, began warming up after just 10 minutes. Nevertheless the Frenchman wasn’t going to let any underlying pain stop him from finding the back of the net. Remy scored from a through ball from John Terry that would have made Cesc Fàbregas proud. But that would be Remy’s sole contribution on the night as he winced his way down the tunnel.

As Chelsea continued with a wave of attacks upon the Slovenian champions, Ales Mertelj thought he should just scoop the ball out of his own 18 yard box and in doing so gave the home side a penalty. Although Eden Hazard has an outstanding record from the spot, Drogba stepped up to take this one, scoring 886 days after his last goal for Chelsea.

Chelsea vs Schalke: The One Where Schalke Scored

Good to be home 

With Schalke’s shockingly mediocre start to their season, it was inevitable they were going to see some sort of result at Stamford Bridge on Wednesday. But everyone in the group seeing one mighty goal to kick off their CL campaign, it’s not really the worst start for Chelsea. The loss to Basel last season didn’t really seem to have much impact. Nevertheless there were some lessons to be had from Wednesday night’s draw …

Thirty-six year old striker not quite up to speed shocker ! 

We all knew that things weren’t going to be exactly the same the second time around with Didier Drogba. But at the end of the day, it doesn’t even matter. He’s there to motivate those around him and provide a little relief to Costa’s hamstring and Remy’s heart. And Wednesday he did just that. He picked out some fantastic passes to Hazard when he knew he didn’t have the pace to get through the defence. He also had a couple of incredible shots - unlucky not to score. A few more games and we’ll see even more glimpses of the Drogba we all knew and loved* before he embarked on his world tour.

Chelsea vs Leicester: Drogba Returns

CB, RB, CF - what can't he do?

After a massive win over the team voted most likely to re-visit the Championship next season, Chelsea took on the challenge of yet another promotion side this Saturday. An ideal start for the club on paper, but it was these games that by and large lost Chelsea the league last season. So it was with apprehension (and possibly some alcohol) that I crossed over to the right side of the river and headed to Stamford Bridge.

Courtouis got the call ahead of Cech once again and once again he came up with some decent saves. At his age, there’s mistakes in there to be made, but he’s currently looking like a solid option. He might want to think about accessorising as well as Cech in order to make the transition smoother for some of us (just me).

Saturday’s game wasn’t quite the walk Monday’s was as Leicester have refused in their opening games to be the meek promoted side that we all secretly hoped they’d be. After their performance against Everton, Chelsea were braced for a fight but it didn’t stop the first half from falling a bit flat.

Burnley vs Chelsea: Cesc Bomb

No gloves. No helmet. No party.

What a difference a day makes and that. Yes, I'm starting out the season with a ridiculous cliché / fantastically good song. And by day I really mean the difference in mood from the team sheets being leaked to the final whistle. Of course this all just could me having a massive strop while the rest of you were in various states of inebriation from your trip up on the football special.

I was not happy that Petr Cech was dropped*. There. I've said it. I know that all Chelsea supporters should all just be looking for a bright clean sheet infused future. But after the upheaval of some of the greatest talent we've seen at Chelsea in recent years I'm afraid that my delicate constitution could not handle another. Especially one who arguably has years rather than months ahead of him.

Galatasaray vs Chelsea: Welcome to H-E-1-1

One. There's one striker.

With all the buildup focusing on Mourinho's comments about Eto'o's age Chelsea facing Champions League hero Didier Drogba, in well, the Champions League -- everyone forgot that formerly special, formerly happy little horse might have a trick up his sleeve. Despite his super secret conversation in a packed press room regarding his lack of strikers, Mourinho only went and found himself one.

Samuel Eto'o was widely expected to start with his preferred non-injured status, however, it was Fernando Torres who got his name on the finely printed teamsheet and lineup against the man he replaced. The same Fernando Torres who began 2014 with a couple of cheeky away goals and an injury which had him sidelined more or less until his re-emergence in 'hell' -- like a freckled phoenix. It took just 9 minutes to assure Mourinho that he does in fact have a striker on his hands after all. It was Torres' 6th goal in his last 5 CL starts -- and has taken his goal tally in the CL beyond what he ever managed for Liverpool. This, of course, will give them more reasons to burn any remaining shirts they have lying around.

Bayern Munich vs Chelsea: UEFA's Charity Shield

Drogba, Terry ... Ramires

With the buildup to this year’s Super Cup consisting mostly of people suspecting that Bayern Munich’s A or B team would turn Chelsea over and last year’s game still clouded in a vat of lime, mint and rum – it was difficult to tell what Chelsea supporters could expect. Aside from a brilliant few days out in Prague of course. Not that some of us were left behind and lamenting the sunshine of London as reports of the mythical £1 beers flooded in.

Champions League: The Honeymoon is Over

Oh Champions League,

This is awkward. Our honeymoon period has been shorter than Britney and K-Fed’s marriage. Is it because I even know who Britney and K-Fed are? And technically, technically Champions League we’re still together. Until May! I’ve now had to update our status on Facebook to ‘It’s Complicated’. After such a long courtship (and the breakups), I thought surely you’d want us to stay together for more than the year.

Admittedly, I’ve let myself go a bit. Putting on a few extra pounds. Not fitting into the tight little black number that I used to. It’s not my fault that Dolce and Gabanna refuse to re-tailor it. And sure, I clearly made a muck of my wrongly coloured accessories. But somewhere deep down, I really thought that tie would draw your attention to what was on the pitch.

Look how happy we were together

But that’s all now. You really bailed on me long before that happened. In fact, I actually blame you for the current state of affairs. That’s right. This is your fault. I mean, I tried Champions League. Oh yes, I tried!! 

Munich was amazing. Best day of my life - and probably will be for some time to come. I thought I could keep the momentum going. People were in your ear that you were crazy to get together with me, that I was getting a bit rough around the edges - but you ignored them. But I thought I’d keep you happy and get a little nip and tuck. And what better way to keep the notion of temptation than to use The Garden of Eden (Hazard) as inspiration. And of course keep things really fresh with a brand new Brazilian. How could you resist?

But resist you did Champions League.

And the RAF from Chelsea Shot Them Down

Drogba: Superhero or European
Cup Winning Superhero?

So after football ended for just everyone else last weekend, there was still everything to play for this weekend for a certain little club in London. West Ham. They will now have the privilege of playing European Champions next season, so well done to the Irons. It’s quite an honour.

So with a plucky rag tag bunch of millionaires footballers literally against all the odds, Chelsea did the unthinkable and just went and won themselves the European Cup. Anyone who threw money on them when 3-1 down to Napoli could arguably find themselves in their own yacht next to Roman this summer - in Monaco. Putting his entire pay off on that bet was possibly the best thing AVB has ever done. Who’s really laughing now?

With John Terry removing himself from the penalty shootout whilst in Barcelona, he was still laboured with the task of the players available to RDM for team selection. How would he accomplish this? Typical Terry style team talks ahead of the match and half time? Maybe. Maneuvering his way into the technical area to shout at David Luiz until his curls fall out organize the defense? No. John Terry opted to inspire the team in his versatility of fashion choices. 

Terry has taken his time in the West End too far and had more costume changes than the cast of Wicked. Without actually being able to play, Terry opted to contribute to the occasion in case the actual match got a little dry. How? By living his entire match day through costume.

Terry began in his D&G suit, looking respectable as one expects upon arrival. The next time the camera panned to him, he had moved on to his CL Adidas warm up gear. Other sports good companies are available. And by the time the camera lost interest in Ribery’s shots going so wide that they are now in Frankfurt, he was in his kit. How he didn’t end up trading his shirt with Luiz Gustavo - or at least pretend he did so he could work his patented shirtless armband look while joining Lampard to lift the EUROPEAN CUP. Of course, with Lampard wearing the captain’s armband on the night, it could have created a really awkward moment.

Together Forever and Never to Part

Why yes, I do accept this ring Cup.

Dear Champions League,

After our time together in Barcelona, I wasn’t really sure how you were going to be able to match that, let alone top that balmy Sangria filled night. It was pretty special, and if I’m being honest, you’ve let me down many times in the past. This was really our last chance and you went all out.

Not to be cynical, but the complete lack of expectation certainly did you some favours. And you certainly ensured my skepticism with bans to both captain and players player of the season. Sure, you thought I’d overlook that by removing Meireles and whatever is growing on his head but it doesn’t quite shift the balance. 

Our day together could not have been better. The ridiculously oversized drinks in the beer kellers and of course the strudel outdid any sniff of sangria or paella. Although, I’m not sure you have the calves for lederhosen. I regret pointing that out to you in the English garden. I know you were trying to pull off the ‘when in Rome’ theme of the weekend, but just because of my lederhosen critique / nudist part of the park - so unnecessary to get your kit off there. And for the last time, yes it was a little breezy in the immediate area you were and clearly no where else.

In and Out: The Power of a Semi

Step 1: Celebrate Step 2: Never Look Back

Today’s blog will be brought to you by the letter’s G and T. Captain Morgan sends his regards and apologies for being the main culprit in the tardiness, and in effect, irrelevance of some of the following comments. With buildup like that, how could you not read on?

FA Cup Semis

I would discuss Saturday’s match, but with its insistence upon itself and the date to which it is played, I will bypass it. That, and I neglected to watch the match.

On to the London Derby! Or as I like to call it, El Clasico: London Edition if you will. After a great deal of build up and questions as to whether this set of supporters could remain well behaved after drinking for several hours before heading into Wembley, they seemed to manage. This of course is a broad definition of what one considers good behaviour. There was of course the little matter of the moment of silence - or the moment when Chelsea supporters decided they would ensure the FA would actually hear them. Thankfully, quick thinking television directors thought it would in no way seem suspect to cut away from the stadium to a moody shot of a candle flame. Thankfully, the gem that is YouTube has provided an excellent alternative to viewing the rumblings of thousands and thousands of supporters a ‘handful’ of fans.

And of course, if that wasn’t fun enough, there was of course *that* ‘goal’. Let’s all just pause for a moment and all laugh at Sp*rs. You know you want to. Go on....

Sure, in no way, shape, or form did that ball even touch the line, unless of course that line is John Terry’s arse (more on that to come...). However, what everyone has learned from this is, if you immediately celebrate a goal, it’s a sure way to convince the referee that it is in fact a goal. But can anyone really blame Martin Atkinson? (Spurs fans don’t count - ever). After seeing the joy on little Juan Mata’s face, it’d be impossible to rule his goal out. His little face was lit up, and left Atkinson with no choice. If he taken that away from Mata, it would have been like kicking a puppy.

John Terry’s Defensive Duties

Dear John Terry,

I know you’re all about proving yourself. But it is not YOUR job to defend everyone’s goal. Only Chelsea’s. I know it becomes confusing when you see Cudicini and Gallas, I accept that. But no more. You only have to defend the man in the little hat. That is not a euphemism.

Sincerely,

jb xx

Chelsea v Barca

According to just about everything written in the buildup to this match, Barcelona and their beautiful football should not have had to lower themselves to actually playing this match as they’d already won it, and it was beautiful. Tears were shed. Take a moment here to feel the emotional gravity of the beauty in their beautiful game with their pint size Jesus. Go on. Maybe it would help if I cut to a moody candle? No?

Outraging the press everywhere, Chelsea had the audacity to not allow free flowing attacking football to overpower them. How dare they? I hope that Chelsea are taking a long hard look at themselves right now. The cheek of Ashley Cole actually trying a little back heel pass of his own, and then tracking back to clear a goal of the line. What an absolutely terrible human being. And in other players beating Barcelona at their own game, Drogba utilizing his comedic timing to do his best imitation of most of La Liga - the horror. The irony of Barcelona making complaints about the injustice of it all was arguably one of the best things that has ever happened in the history of time.

What can one take away from all of this?

In football, just like in life, all that matters is if you get it in.

(or not in the case of Mata - but that would just have trampled my own point)

jb xx

The Team Least Likely To...

Proving he's -not- racist by offending
Fulham supporters.

Luckily I got caught up doing responsible adult like things* and did not get the opportunity to only look towards London’s final night out in the Champions League group stages - but now get the fun at looking at Manchester’s as well. More sniggering on that later.

Would it be completely immature of me to look back after Matchday 5 finished up? Sure it would. Am I going to do it anyways? I sure am! With only Arsenal securing their position in the knockout stages, things were technically precarious for the three remaining teams in England, but it was really only Chelsea who were presumed to be on their way to Channel 5. However, that little club in London managed to not only make it through, but topped their group. How could this happen when the mighty Casey had struck out Alex Ferguson had faltered?

Well, I’m not saying that Valencia were poor against Chelsea, but one of the pitch invaders to manage to dispossess their midfield of the ball. So.... there is that. However, it was really a culmination of ‘slap in the face’ goodness that managed to remind everyone why AVB is actually a very good manager with magnificent gravity defying hair. He allowed Valencia to tire their little legs out with possession while Drogba waited to pounce. 180 seconds counts as waiting, no? I'm sure I've been told this... (keep your minds out of the gutter....i mean it... )

Anyways, Didier definitely looked like his old self, and I’m sure this is in no way shape or form to do with any contract issues looming. Nor does the fact that he used Chelsea transfer listed papillion’s celebration after scoring his first. With Bosingwa thankfully unavailable, David Luiz was back at centre not rugby tackling anyone in the box. In fact, the only thing that was mildly out of control was his hair. Not to worry though, I’ve recommended an excellent conditioner to him.

In other news, that’s not actually news at all:

• Suarez did something offensive, tries to justify it
• Arsenal’s goal keeping is comic genius
• Mario Balotelli has upped his hilarious goal non-celebrations by preceding them with hilarious ways to score - headers are for suckers

jb xx

*in no way does this mean drinking**

**-maybe- it does...

Red Cards, Blue Shirts and 'Colour' Commentary

Mario Balotelli's Flying Circus

Deary me, another weekend another accusation of racism. I may be blatantly am a little bias here, but I think the parties aren't quite as sinister. We all know that Chelsea have a bit of a proper naughty captain, but he's not a complete div. He's not exactly going to say blatantly racist things to someone while Ashley Cole is right next to him. The one thing we can all take away from this? There are a phenomenal amount of lip reading experts on twitter. I now have a backup plan when I lose my hearing from going to one too many gigs.

Racist accusations aside, QPR's cup final was nothing if not interesting - for the neutrals. The home fans got to see there team manage to hold their own once Chelsea were reduced to 9 men. I know I'd certainly be giving it large to the away support seeing my team just barely manage to keep their one goal lead with 2 extra players on, plus the genius that is Tom Henning Overbo Chris Foy's refereeing tekkers. Good one Rangers.

Some of you out there may be wondering what Drogba was possibly thinking with *that* challenge. No disputing it was definitely a straight red. A fairly reliable source told me that it was one Gunnersaurus who convinced Drogba it'd be a good idea to be sent off. Arsenal need all the help they can get, and by preventing Drogba's guaranteed goal(s) against them this weekend, it puts them back on the level. How did this evil mastermind do this? Word on the street was he locked him in a room, plied his eyes open with toothpics and played a video of Torres' goals this season on a loop. Gunnersaurus is one sick Clockwork Orange loving mascot. Be afraid kids, be very afraid.

Facing rampant criticism from the genius that is Alan Hansen, David Luiz should carry that as a badge of honour. Never change DL, never change. You should be afraid when Hansen starts talking sense about you. Sure, your first half was a little dodgy, and you've now given up a fair few penalties, but you always more than make up for it. Central defender taking *that* overhead kick? All is forgiven you silly curly man.

Speaking of a bad day at the office, deary me SAF. Is there any whiskey or red wine left within the NW of England?? I could go on about the actual result, but why discuss actual fixtures and results when there are far better things to come out of that match. Mario Balotelli - comic genius. The appeal of the Christmas party he's planning just got better. I mean, just when you think he can't possibly he out do himself, he only goes and sets his house on fire. That's right. In the leadup to Sunday's derby, Mario put the darts away and thought it would be a great idea to set off fireworks out his bathroom window. Was it an early derby celebration? Or was this an early Guy Fawkes bonfire? Only Mario really knows.

How could Mr Balotelli possibly top such comic follies on a Friday evening? By revealing his "Why Always Me Shirt?" after scoring the opening goal at Old Trafford on Sunday. For a man who wears diamond encrusted shorts, a shirt with some naff hand writing with a sharpie just won't do. Mario bribed charmed City's kit man into making that shirt up for him. Expect to see them on sale next to the bluffer's guide to City any day now.

Roll on the Carling Cup - I know you're all on the edge of your seats unless of course you got embarrassed in the last round. Then of course no one wants to win this anyways.

jb xx

ps. I would be remiss in congratulating Petr Cech for being the only player in Chelsea's starting XI on Sunday to not receive a card from Tom Henning Overbo Chris Foy.

Fernando Finding his Feet...and Mark Gower's

Reminiscing about the 'good' times. It doesn't count
unless you do it in lederhosen.

I did briefly consider not writing about this weekend, I mean, if I don't type it, it didn't happen, right? But sod it. What else is a gym membership besides abusing their wifi to use the iPlayer and write nonsense? Yes, yes, it could in fact be used for working out and such, but there's a posh coffee bar here and I'm under caffeinated...

So despite managing two goals in two games after meticulously highlighting his hair, Fernando Torres will not in fact be scoring over the next 3 matches. He's been enjoying his time in London by watching too much Danny Dyer and pulled a proper naughty in Saturday's victory over Swansea. Is it wrong to be proud of his first red card? Maybe a little. But anyone who saw it, and with Sky having it on a constant loop for 24 hours, how could you not? But for those who saw it will know it wasn't a cynical challenge a la Scholes, but one that he may have just got a little, we'll call it, overenthusiastic. It was the first time he'd managed goals in two successive games for Chelsea, doubling his total for all of last season - surely no one can blame the lad for being excitable.

Drogba also managed to come back in fine form and within minutes of appearing on the pitch - scored. He couldn't have looked more surprised if Mikel had scored it. Of course the best way to celebrate a surprise goal like that is to don some lederhosen and head to Oktoberfest. Nice to see DD taking his recovery and preparation for Valencia this week so seriously.

In other news, Jamie Carragher has expressed his concern this week at having his record usurped by Richard Dunne. Dunne having been responsible for now a record NINE own goals, Carragher will have to step up his game in the Merseyside Derby this weekend if he wants to keep pace. We all have faith in your Carra.

Although own goals are, let's face it, always funny unless for your own club, the best part of QPR's match with Villa was not the game itself, but the fact that Warnock felt the need to come out for a second go in his post match discussion. There was a couple (only one) contentious calls for handball, and Warnock decided to review the tapes and have a second go. And if that weren't enough, he refereed to Traore as a disgrace a la Didier Drogba circa Champions League semi finals 2009. It was a fine Warnock moment. The threat of a fine for Traore was good, but to be truly great, he too should have ranted in a pair of slippers. Warnock has a lot to learn.

jb xx

Crouching Boas, Scoring Striker

Fernando shows the world he is master of
his own domain, er, bib.

Well hello there,

A little longer than normal between posts and my apologies for such a delay. And before you hear any rumours, I wasn't on some gin soaked bender...despite what people may tell you. It was rum....it wasn't. I considered telling you I took the fortnight off due to post traumatic stress syndrome because I'm just that in sync with Didier....or maybe I was just *that* embarrassed for my Gooner mates. But let's be honest, no one would believe the latter...I was in fact embarking on a bit of a move and it took up the time I usually spend sharing my expertise technical insight random, silly opinions with you. Despite no longer being able to write these from the comfort of my bed, I'll be a trooper and make the trip to the pub* Starbucks to inflict this upon you.

The geniuses at work who plan the fixtures carefully to maintain interest and refrain conflict did a stellar job this weekend and in no way does it reflect the possibility of randomly drawing fixtures out of a hat. Not only do we have another Monday night fixture, but Super Sunday saw Fulham host Blackburn, while West Brom headed to Norwich. I'm not being funny, but this isn't exactly the hangover repair fodder that I'm really looking for FA fixture officials. Just a thought for next season. They also thought it'd be a super idea to have Chelsea, Sp*rs, Arsenal, City and Liverpool all with 3pm Saturday kick offs. For those of us football whores who like to watch as many matches at possible when not able to actually attend, this was not only slightly schizophrenic, it made for an interesting mix of people braving my new local in Fulham.

As a sidenote on this new local, I'd like to thank the Wolves supporter (yes, you did actually read that correctly), who attempted to block the Jabba the Hut stunt double from repeated attempts to propose marriage and possibly suck out my soul - or lunch. It was a valiant effort against a man who makes Andy Reid look anorexic.

Obviously the big talking point amongst proper football journalists with real insight was the fact that Fernando Torres spent a little time on the bench to start the match. And they are correct, he was not in the starting line up. I'm pretty sure that anyone with eyeballs could have actually told you that. But, I may be crazy in saying this - wait for it - but maybe.....just maybe.... He did not start on the bench because of his form. There is that outside chance that with Chelsea having six strikers available to them and playing twice a week from here on out, that maybe, just maybe that crazy crouching manager may be resting some strikers to keep them fresh for the extra games they are about to embark in. And as a man of his word, he was required to start one Mr. Sturridge up front as his ban has been served.

Finally given his chance to shine with Chelsea, Danny certainly lived up to the hype I've been jamming down your throats since he left Manchester City. A slow start to the match, Chelsea were never really out of control and almost looked bored at the opposition, however a stunning pass to JT leading to the opening goal. His cheeky back-heeled goal made his performance today. Similar to an attempt that Balotelli made in pre-season which saw him unceremoniously substituted before the half, Danny's lead to his audition for Dancing with the Stars and a deserved ovation when he finally came off.

As for Arsenal, although you managed a win, I still highly recommend your use of Gunnersaurus as your centre back. You don't get to play the mighty Swansea every week. What he lacks in agility, he certainly makes up for in height and, er, girth. Surely he's as useful as Koscielny.

And for those of you too drunk sleepy to have stayed up for Match of the Day, you missed Jamie's Carragher's discussion of yet another penalty he gave away. In a moment of sheer brilliance he suggested that he -may- have got a little too close to Walters. Yes Jamie, wrapping your arm completely around the front of a man's body and then slipping it around his thigh is a little too close. At least that's what I've been told.**

Hope you all enjoyed your matches from wherever you were. Unless you're a United supporter of course. ;)

I would discuss upcoming Champions League fixtures here, but I'm still playing hard to get with the CL. It needs to work really hard during these group stages for me to really talk to CL again. And by really hard I mean a win tomorrow will probably see a waffling blog posted here on Wednesday.

Good to be back

jb xx

*ok, it is the pub, but I'd like to give off some air of respectability here - you just know me too well.

**am not a pervy rapist. Well, not a rapist. There's no restraining orders against me yet, so I'm sticking with this one.

This Charming Man...

Actual photograph from Saturday afternoon
(note: this is not the charming man)

Afternoon treacles,

I've been slightly forced into a stunned silence after sitting through not one, but three nil-nil matches which essentially are consecutive (if you count Stoke - Chelsea, which I very obviously do). So, er, thank you Wayne Rooney for a) breaking the goal drought [she says begrudgingly] and b) experimenting with hair growth formulas in full public view. I may be making a flip book of his hair loss to re-growth. And of course I'll be taking orders. Don't tell me you wouldn't have fun with that for hours...or at least minutes.

The most important of those scoreless droughts will always be of course Stoke - Chelsea. Probably just to those of us in London and Stoke, but never mind that. Arguably a very good performance from the Chelsea lads, especially in the first half. I fully expected a goal and feel slightly hard done by not to come away with one. Not that I'm one to blame the referee for poor calls, but Mark Halsey, you know that thing around your neck? It's a whistle. You may use this at any time when someone pushes the boundaries of acceptable a tad too far and you know ... give out cards, free kicks, or a Phil Dowd style talking to. And although, I would wholeheartedly started Drogba for his ability to plough through any line of defense, walls, possibly the space-time continuum....I would like to say that finally, our little Fernando is showing why we paid £50M for him. Great performance from him, looked up for it, and was fully deserving of the arse slap he got from AVB his Man of the Match honours. Also, somewhere over making up with Cheryl and being allowed to take the most horrendous free kick in pre season history, Ashley got pretty fancy with the tekkers. Scoring from a bicycle kick is sometimes necessary, but to pass the ball that way? Nice.

Special mention of course to Jon Obi Mikel. This was coming anyways as it was the closest he's ever come to scoring. [that goal will be this season. i promise*]. He had one of his best matches for us ever, cool on the ball etc and so on....but all of this after learning his father had been kidnapped. There's a lot of talk of people needing to man up. Mikel has just upped the standard of what that means.

Speaking of men that often need to man up - Manchester United.

.
.
.
.

Ok... not actually stopping there. I wasn't a fan of the 'I Am Jesus' type of goal celebration that Wazza had after his goal against City. However, fair play. Good goal and in a derby. There is some allowance for over the top douchey goal celebrations. But for snood wanker Ashley Young to repeat this against West Brom on an OWN GOAL. Sad. Just sad.

But who wants to talk about any of that when there is a Newcastle - Arsenal game to talk about. Obviously missing from the Arsenal lineup were Nasri and Fabregas. And although rumours have been floated about (very much on the d/l) about them wanting a transfer, I'm pretty sure that after watching Geordie Shore on their holidays they were slightly terrified of heading up there and running into Holly.

The focus of this weekend's drama should have been on Song and his still dodgy haircut stamp on Joey Barton. However, the media and supporters rather focus on on Joey Barton, so I'll just follow suit. Anyways the man at the centre of this knows how to get (and keep) an audience, whether on purpose or not. Say what you want about him - despite all the problems at the club, he comes out and does his job. Sure, he probably shouldn't have had a go at the fourth official or went down like Lindsay Lohan for a hit of coke, but a) he had issue for complaint and b) has since publicly held up his hands to acknowledge where he was wrong. There is also the fact that  he was merely helping Gervinho 'with his obviously dodgy balance'.

He does need credit for making himself available in a public forum to discuss the matter both on twitter and radio, and of course for being man enough to admit where he was wrong.

Dear Jack "Two Foot Tackle" Wilshire, if you're taking some time out of your busy X box schedule to accuse players of assault, you may also want to discuss the colours of pots and kettles. You may just end up with a new bestie. Love from JB

Enjoy your week boys and girls!

jb xx

http://twitter.com/cfc_jb



*promises of course are at my own whim, and if i am actually wrong, will not be distributing free pints to anyone who points this out.

I Want to be a Chelsea Ranger....

You know what? Those hair extensions
are doing Rooney a world of good.

.....because there is actually panic on the streets of London. What does this mean, Morrissey is a prophet and Joey Barton is now the happiest man in the world.***

Sorry I'm a tad late with this one lads I had to pick up a plasma, some x-box games and as many trainers as I could handle....er...anyways...

To those of you who looted The Body Shop... The Body Shop? Really gentlemen?... um...actually...I could do with some Satsuma lotion. Just saying.

So, since Danny Dyer is somewhere walking amazingly around Croydon about now where it's got proper naughty, he's really left all of football to us. So get your jackets zipped and white trainers on!

Despite pre-season just ending (and Championship beginning)...oh and some large plate being given away somewhere near Green Man, actual matches that actually mattered are starting to be cancelled thanks to a bunch of chavs apparently in desperate need to stick it to the man. And by the man I mean Gregg's. Does their selfishness know no bounds? People need football and pastries - and now will be suffering the week without either. That's right, there'll be no chicken bakes or West Ham match today. Everyone take a moment to reflect...

And while the rest of you are reflecting I'm going to take a moment to use this space for supporters at my local. Hey guys, remember that time when I proudly ponced in and was wearing my Sturridge shirt and you laughed at me? That is all.

The constantly rotated back line of Chelsea finally showed weakness (that wasn't Ross Turnbull) and conceded our first actual goal of the pre-season. It stung a little. The goal was early, the back line a bit of shambles, the travelling support arguably beyond day drunk (from the night before). I judge.* Thankfully, it was the last opportunity for everyone to show AVB and Robbie what they could do. And one Mr. Sturridge certainly rose to the occassion. He has been out to impress ever since joining from City and is taking the shot he has been given. He did my shirt proud. I'm sure that really matters to him. Chelsea have been missing someone in front of goal who can just put whatever rubbish given to him in. Not to say that was the situation on Saturday. Drogba was as dangerous as ever. He may not have ended up on the score sheet himself, but was definitely a whole lot to handle. Danny and Didier would be two of the first names I'd put on the sheet Sunday (if Danny weren't serving that ban of course). Nico, we've had a good run. We really have. But you didn't want to show and tell as much as the other boys in Glasgow, and you may have to spend some quality time on the bench with Ross and think *must do better*.

Back to this Derby match. Obviously the Big Mac Plate Community Shield is a pre-season friendly [Manchester City]  ..most important and glorious trophy to set the whole tone for the season [Manchester United] the only thing standing in our way for actual football to begin [everyone else] We could discuss Van der Sar's replacement - Manuel Almunia

Er...I've just been informed that it was not in fact Manuel Almunia. After the second goal, I was sure I'd seen him somewhere before. [Ed note: Dear any of the 17 strikers at Chelsea - when facing Manchester Red shoot anything you want from outside the box, it will probably go in.] There was also the fact that Rio "steal other people's phrases and annoy everyone with them" Ferdinand was so busy planning his next clothing line, modelled by none other than everyone's favourite - James Corden, he may have forgot that he was involved in Big Mac Plate and that he was meant to be marking Dzeko.

But the most important part of Big Mac Plate - the mystery of the semi final wink gate was solved. Balo Couture will always outshine any fashion line that Rio has Gavin & Stacey's Smithy modelling. Possibly because he is bedazzled like the disco ball in my gay bessie's room. It was rumoured that one Mario Balotelli left wearing "gold puffa jacket, knee-length denim shorts (diamond hem) and glittering-gold suitcase." This is a man who could clearly give a *&$@ ...Rio is rumoured to be so jealous after sporting those short shorts, that Mario has outdone him once again.


It has also been rumoured that it was the diamond hemmed shorts that started the riots in North London as Chavs across the area searched high and wide. Sorry gents, that type of bedazzling is a Balo Couture original. You're not going to find it in General House Clearance on Lordship Lane.


Oh and welcome to London Town Romelu Lukaku. It's a fantastic time to have a little bus tour around the city before you head to training. Just try and not get hit by a missile before you've had a chance to pass your medical.




jb xx

http://twitter.com/cfc_jb



*I'm jealous.
**I might also be drunk from the night before.
***anyone with access to twitter knows that he may now be the angriest man in the world as he's been incorrectly quoting Nietzsche and should have stuck to quoting Smiths lyrics all along.

Barclays Asian Trophy Glory!

Suffering the fate of those Robert Green who have let Torres
score...Shay Given has been given a timeout to think about
what he has done.

OK, maybe the headline was overstating my enthusiasm a smidge, but let's be honest, it is always fun to win. Although not important to the season itself, confidence is, and that's just what we were missing for large portions of last season - players and supporters alike. You know who you are.

Of course, the biggest news of the game was Frank Lampard being named the player of the tournament!!! OK, maybe that was the biggest news for me. But for someone who was written off by far too many, it was a brilliant source of personal smugness fantastic reminder that he still has a lot to offer on and off the pitch.

*time out for me to drink gin make my smug face fully consider the implications of pre-season*

Of course what grabbed headlines was the "great" goal by Fernando Torres. In no way am I dismissing it with my cheeky little quotes. But I would say it was a goal, and it was great to see Fernando smile score. However a little disconcerting his pavlovian like ability to score against claret and blue. With his only other goal against West Ham, its a little worrying that without them or Burnley in the big boy leagues, that only Villa will face his wrath next season. Sure, those of you in a certain mood will be quick to point out to me that he did also manage a goal against Wycombe, but ponder this - if a striker scores and no one sees it, does it make a sound in the forest?

Exactly.

Either way, Fernando will have a long way to go if he wants to come close to our real pre-season hero Own Goal. Since his departure from Manchester United, and arrival for our Asian Tour, Own Goal has only failed to score in our final match. Is it a matter of not being able to score against English teams, or is Own Goal unable to play with Fernando Torres. Only the coming weeks will tell. Still for the price of Joey Barton, Own Goal has been a delightful addition.

And for those of you who haven't seen it, the other highlights would of course being little Josh getting his first big boy goal and generally being awesome in the midfield. And of course, as we took this ever so seriously, the team abandoning JT as he went to lift the trophy for photos. Excellent prank / team work there lads.

For those of you who enjoyed the adventures of David Cameroon - a few of the other Chelsea players have been doing double duty. After their corner flag teaser, FloMo and Didi managed to recruit Petr Cech and Paulo Ferreira for their band. It does appear that Cech, not surprisingly, is actually the musician while the rest of the lads were his backup rhythm section. Didier of course being the machine that he is by doing double duty of rhythm AND operated camera as David Cameroon could not be there. Interested? In their summers off, they can be contacted for weddings and other events.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mu5TTtu17D0

In other comedic pre-season matches Manchester United found out they could beat Barcelona if they were missing most of their starting lineup and it didn't matter. Of course, by the way it was celebrated, I'm pretty sure this is the big goal that Michael Owen has been tediously promising. Well done Mikey, you managed to get off the bench and earn that pre-season medal.

But the biggest pre-season news, and trophy as it always is amongst my Gooner mates is the oft mentioned Emirates Cup. Ah yes. The gifted trophy from their sponsors. It was good of the Emirates to build them a stadium and then have a tournament all their own to win. But it appears that this season, someone failed to follow the script. Surely they couldn't lose their own trophy in their own stadium (again). How it was even lost is beyond me. The first half, Arsenal spent so much time in New York's half that Szczesny got out a cuddly toy and had a nap. However, in the second half Arsene Wenger probably should have taken my suggestion to substitute one of his defenders for Gunnersaurus. He remained on the pitch so long before kick off I actually thought he'd made the team sheet.

However, the request to have a member of the opposing team play for a pre-determined amount of time (no matter how short) is almost as laughable as requesting someone who wasn't going to play in a match to lift a trophy that has not yet been won. But I digress. Yes, the opposing player in this instance was Thierry Henry, but Gooners, you need to let it go. He's moved on. He's won the Emirates Cup. It wasn't for you. What you lot need is closure - and to pick easier opposition so you don't lose your own Cup again next season.

And this coming weekend it's actually back to proper football. Not quite the league, but just about. Chelsea will be on a steady diet of Irn Bru all week to prepare themselves for the trip to Ibrox on Saturday and Sunday sees the first of at least Manchester derbies with the Community Shield. Good luck to all the City supporters travelling to London this weekend. Am personally hoping for a little nudge and wink from Balotelli again.*

KTBFFH

jb xx

http://twitter.com/cfc_jb

*and by personally, I didn't mean he nudge nor wink at me.... just Rio.

**by just Rio, I mean that Mario should do those things again to Rio. Rio should do nothing to me or near me - ever. Phew...hope that's cleared up.