Chelsea 0-0 Tottenham: The one that was Roman Abrahmovich's 1000th match as owner

Legend

608 wins. 216 draws. 176 defeats. Five Premier League titles. Five FA Cups. Three League Cups. Three European trophies. Not a bad run for Roman Abramovich. It's only the tip of the iceberg for what he has brought to the club. From overhauling the training ground to building an academy envied by so many. The Roman Empire has reigned in London and long may it continue.

Tottenham 1-1 Chelsea: The one Eric Dier needed a poo

Never has the feeling of peaked too soon felt more apt than it did on Tuesday night. Everything seemed to fall right. Tottenham were to have an important Europa League clash just two days after this and Jose Mourinho openly admitted it was his priority. While you can write off his words as 'mind games' when the lineups dropped - he backed himself. Spurs started without a recognised striker.

Inside twenty minutes Timo Werner solidified is growing cult status amongst the Chelsea faithful to open the scoring in a well-worked goal. With the way he's performed since arriving at Stamford Bridge it feels suprising that this was his first goal for the club. If only the final whistle could have just been blown then. Spoiler... it wasn't.

Leicester 0-1 Chelsea: The one that saw a TRIPLE sub

This guy loves an FA Cup goal

Traditionally domestic cup games have been used as an opportunity for fringe and academy players to get a look in. And while useful to keep the squad fresh and give as many players an opportunity throughout the season making six changes to the team against opposition higher in the table isn't really best practice. This isn't the Chelsea of old where academy kids don't get a chance.

Frank Lampard has given no less than eight academy products a debut this season. There's no need to experiment for cup games especially on the back of this restart. The team need a little cohesion. This was the time to keep your back-line together, maybe make three changes to give players a rest - and use those five subs when the game is in hand.

Chelsea 2-1 Tottenham: The one Jose Mourinho returned to Stamford Bridge (again)

Master & Apprentice

A certain vociferous section at Stamford Bridge once again embarrassed the sensible majority. Jose Mourinho has moved on, you need to as well. If Chelsea aren't going to keep him employed - he's going to manage another club. And while it would have been nice of him to see out his days on the continent, he hasn't. Abusing the most successful manager in club's history isn't a good look. And if you really want to get under his skin, the best way would actually be playground rules - ignore him. No man loves attention more. He gives no ***** how he gets it.

Chelsea vs The Transfer Window: The One that needs Hazard to stay

Ooohh... football friends 

It’s rare that anything about the upcoming season can truly be gleaned from whatever we are witnessing in the marketing project that is pre-season. But here we are anyways, ready to speculate and draw inferences that may or may not be true once actual competitive football rears its head — this includes Big Plate match this weekend.

Chelsea vs Manchester United: The One That Was Harder, Faster, Stronger, Kante

Azpilicueta & one of the Kanté twins

On the back of last season you would be loathe to believe it, but Monday night proved that Jose Mourinho can in fact inspire an outstanding performance from Eden Hazard. Chelsea’s mercurial Belgian looked unplayable at times throughout the game. The times where he was on his feet and not having the living daylights kicked out of him of course.

Chelsea vs Manchester United: The One That Even Kante Scored

'Hello pot, this is the kettle. You're black'

The awkward moment when you’re forced to come face to face with an ex. Try as you might to pretend that they cease to exist in the universe - surely I’m not the only one - they do. They’re out there. Oh, and they’re with someone else and there’s not a single thing you can do about it. Words get said. You overanalyse them. They take on a life of their own. And by the time you are unwillingly dragged into this unwanted encounter by that bastard fate you have to force yourself to man up. Inevitably there is a winner and loser in these relationships - and Chelsea very much found themselves the former.

The One Where Jose Mourinho Was a Champion of Youth

"I'm so happy to give the kids a chance and, especially, when I give the chance and feel that they have the tools to answer well and make a career at Chelsea"

Jose Mourinho

Relationships are always fun at the beginning, aren’t they? Your future together seems so bright and shiny - full of rainbows and unicorns. And then reality hits you like a frying pan in the face. Promises uttered in those early warm and fuzzy moments never come to fruition. This could be your future Manchester United.

United have a longstanding tradition of having a youth team product in their match day squad — which they will remind you of over and over … and over again. Being the savvy character that he is, Mourinho came armed with a list of all the players he selflessly gave debuts to ease concerns about the “one lie repeated many times”. 

Unsurprisingly no one *actually* saw this list when he was waving it brazenly about the press room. He eventually handed over the list of players he spotted and ‘gave a chance’ to. So who were those hidden gems that JM unearthed and gave to the world?

Chelsea vs Sunderland: The First One Without JoMo 2.0

Man Love

And here we are again ….

Obviously it’s impossible to say we didn’t see this coming - the end of JoMo 2.0. Of course, the chancers who were constantly speculating week in and week out claiming that *this* game or *that* game was definitely going to be Jose Mourinho’s final one helped - or hurt depending on how you look at it. Either way, we all knew our time together was coming to a dramatic and disappointing end.

At whatever point this season you accepted it had become a matter of when and not if, Chelsea’s conscious uncoupling with Jose Mourinho felt horrendous. I cannot confirm nor deny some of us cried like babies and skipped their company Christmas dos. It was like Michael Emenalo and co. had ruined Christmas — and then some.

Stoke vs Chelsea: The One Without The Special One

No good ever comes of listening to Rio

At least all the speculation about what would happen to Chelsea if Jose Mourinho weren’t stalking around in the technical area can end now, right? Another game - another loss. Which, let’s be honest, has really put Chelsea in a bit of a pickle. And by pickle I mean they have fewer points than 2 of the 3 promoted teams and have a worse defensive record than Newcastle. Newcastle!

And all this just as Chelsea enter the dreaded month of November where a point is rarely gained. Try and not tempt fate by waxing lyrical about how it could possibly get worse. There is always a way - Chelsea would definitely find a way. Keep in mind that not only is Being Brendan Rodgers sniffing around for work, but David Moyes has been let go from his position at Real Sociedad for his failed attempts at saying his players names. No one wants Cesar Azpilicueta to go through that.

Porto vs Chelsea: The One Where Casillas Almost Smiles

Not the face of a man who resents the favourite ... (It is)

I have a confession - I did actually think Chelsea would beat Porto on Tuesday night. I have no good reason for it based on some all of the recent performances. And if truth be told, I wasn’t happy with the starting lineup. But still — there was still a nagging part of me that thought Chelsea would come away with the points. It defies logic really. My naivety really kicked into full swing at about the hour mark - otherwise known as the moment Eden Hazard joined the fray.

Everton vs Chelsea: The One Chelsea Lost (Again)

Steven Naismith's biggest fan

There was a good chance that this opening paragraph would just be an expletive laden rant and certainly could still devolve into that. Apologies in advance. But really, with the turgid performances that have been on display there just aren’t a lot of words in the English language better suited to describe what we’re all witnessing at the moment.

West Brom vs Chelsea: The One with Chelsea's First Win

Mou Loves Pu - The feelings are real

Apologies for the delay. My internet this week has been just about as patchy as Chelsea’s defence. A delight if your job is, you know, on the internet. Anyways, if we can all remember back that far, there was an actual game played over the weekend. And you know what? It wasn’t horrendous. Which, let’e be honest, came as some surprise.

Not only has Yokohama Chelsea not exactly lived up to it’s Korean electronic counterpart, but the Hawthorns hasn’t exactly been a happy hunting ground. Before last weekend, Chelsea had lost on 3 of their last 4 trips there. I’d hazard a guess they don’t have a worse (recent) record anywhere else. However last season’s jaunt to the midlands can be forgiven seeing as Chelsea had a) already won the league so were effectively on summer holidays and b) the sheer comedy value of Cesc Fàbregas.

Man City vs Chelsea: The One Without Jon Fearn

Costa just can't have pretty things

Oh Sunday. Bloody Sunday. Apologies for being late on this. It’s possible I’ve only just got through the traffic on the M40 and back to civilisation. If any of us are looking for a remote positive from the result it is at least a reprieve for and from Eva Carneiro and everything that surrounds that narrative. Don’t worry Jon Fearn — we’ll never forget you.

Thanks to the sensible planning from the City hierarchy, I nearly missed kick-off courtesy of a forced excursion to the Academy Stadium. And by the looks of how the match began, I don’t think I’m the only one who missed out and turned up exhausted — not pointing any fingers. But you know who you are Cesc Fàbregas* and the entire back line.

Arsenal v Chelsea: The One With No Handshake (at Wembley)

Every good thing must come to an end - as does any significant run in football. Jose Mourinho boasted an infamous record against best mate Arsene Wenger, but it couldn’t go on forever. Of course the proverbial monkey was lifted off of Wenger’s back in arguably the most Arsenal way ever - in a pre-season match that counts for little more than a few days of bragging rights. It only took 14 tries, so well done and all that.

Chelsea are good at many things. The Charity Community Shield is not one of them. Including Sunday’s trip to Wembley, Chelsea have lost in 5 of their last 6 attempts at starting the season with a glorified plate. David Moyes won it for United, and we all know how well that turned out. The match and result mattered far more to the Arsenal fans who turned up in their best Benzema shirts and Petr Cech helmets to mark the occasion. No really.

Asmir Begovic Won't Settle for Second Best

Diego, meet Asmir

It’s easy to be cynical about transfers with the bloated figures that surround them. Most players earn more in a week than I’ll see in a lifetime. The bastards. So when a first-choice goalkeeper moves to a team with an established keeper in place, it’s natural to assume that it’s simply a money move. That the player wants nothing more than to update his social medial channels from the warm embrace of the bench.

This certainly seemed like the case for Asmir Begovic who left his role as first choice goalkeeper at Stoke to, by and large, Thibaut Courtois’ understudy. But is he really a player looking for an easy ride and a better view of the game than any one of us have.* He might just have ambitions that go beyond keeping Cuadrado Salah Falcao (other players may be available) company on the bench.

Chelsea vs United: The One that Juan Returned (but left without a point)

Reunited & It Feels So Good

Chelsea versus Manchester United is never a match without some dramatic talking points — but they aren’t always the ones that happen on the pitch. Just today (two days after the match for those of you reading this in the future —hi mum!) there was some concern that all Mourinho’s careful foil-Fellaini planning would have to be scrapped just before the match.

Mourinho had spent the better part of last week training his side to deal with United’s unexpected target man — apparently using Ruben Loftus-Cheek as a stand in. However, a doorman had thought he’d seen Fellaini arrive on match day and promptly told Mourinho he wouldn’t be playing. JM had the good sense to suss out that it was actually Fellaini's brother, once again highlighting his next-level genius. Who would ever suspect that there is another person in the world who thinks that a unibrow and fuzzy hair is a style to aim for?! Only Jose sussed out that there could be two.

Chelsea vs PSG: The One Where Forwards Were Merely Acccessories

Silly hair is not enough to intimidate Diego Costa

This is going to be a full on out and out whinge. I may end up regretting some of the things that will be said later. I accept that. But if you don't fancy a proper moan about a depressing Champions League exit - then there are a multitude of over-analysing happy-clappy tactics nonsense pieces floating about. They -will- contain references as to who should actually have played and where because obviously they all know better than the man with a cupboard full of trophies and fabulous overcoats.

Chelsea vs Maribor: The one where Drogba scored a CL penalty (again)

Before all those goals - the view from the press box

With no sign of Diego Costa or his hamstring anywhere near the pitch last night, Loïc Remy got the call to start up front. However, within minutes of the game kicking off it was evident that Costa was not the only one carrying an injury. Remy’s understudy on the night, Didier Drogba, began warming up after just 10 minutes. Nevertheless the Frenchman wasn’t going to let any underlying pain stop him from finding the back of the net. Remy scored from a through ball from John Terry that would have made Cesc Fàbregas proud. But that would be Remy’s sole contribution on the night as he winced his way down the tunnel.

As Chelsea continued with a wave of attacks upon the Slovenian champions, Ales Mertelj thought he should just scoop the ball out of his own 18 yard box and in doing so gave the home side a penalty. Although Eden Hazard has an outstanding record from the spot, Drogba stepped up to take this one, scoring 886 days after his last goal for Chelsea.

Chelsea vs Arsenal: The One Where Chelsea have Cesc Fàbregas

When Chelsea bought Cesc Fàbregas from Barcelona this summer, the transfer nearly brought Twitter to a standstill. So with Chelsea playing host to Arsenal this week, it was no surprise that the buildup focused on what might have been, had Fàbrgreas returned to his former club.