Chelsea vs Arsenal: The One without a goal

It won't be the last ... 

Literally the worst time that any team can face Arsenal is the moment when they appear to be just your type on paper. Disarray in the dressing room. Having their ground taken over by a bunch of Germans. Failing to get even a single goal past Liverpool's dodgy back line. Everyone has written them off and expects them to concede another 4. Everyone gets lulled into this false sense of security and then bam. Their balls drop. They pull together and put in a performance. While on balance of play a draw was fair, Arsenal probably had the better chances. Thankfully the posts and offside flag were in full effect.

Tottenham vs Chelsea: The one that saw the suit return

Hero

Without half the squad available due to injury, suspension and dodgy text messages — the last team Chelsea needed to face this week was the one with ‘the most points over the last two season’. Other trophyless titles are available. See also best offence and / or best defence in the country.

There were some glimmers of hope that were carefully placed in the papers and on your social media timelines. Mostly in the form of a tiny little Belgian magician who just happens to love a goal against Tottenham. Eden Hazard returned to full training for the first time this week and there was a chance that he could make the bench. He didn’t.

However, one of Chelsea’s other walking wounded not only got into the match day squad, but only found himself in the starting XI. Tiemoue Bakayoko would likely not have been risked if it had not been for Cesc Fabregas’ love of sarcasm. He looks like he still needs time to settle and sort out his knee. But there’s a lot of physical potential there to fill the Nemanja Matic sized hole.

Liverpool vs Chelsea: The One David Luiz Made 100 PL Apps

Bottoms Up

Is there any fixture in the Premier League calendar that generates more nonsense in terms of narrative and delusion that Liverpool vs Chelsea? Before the match there were a number of comments about how ‘everyone’ was desperate for Liverpool to win this one, Jürgen Klopp included. As Liverpool fans seem to exist in a bubble, I suppose an argument could be made for them thinking it was everyone.

I suspect that sensible supporters, and I do realise that is an oxymoron, but supporters within touching distance of second would rather see both teams drop points. And I certainly find it unlikely that Manchester United fans were desperate to see Liverpool beat anyone, especially one that could draw them anywhere near top of the table.

Man City vs Chelsea: The One That Had Everything (Except a Cat)

Defending his man

Is there anything that could have made Saturday’s lunch time fixture more fun? Goals, tackles flying in, dodgy calls, indignation and outrage, a little bust up at the end. I mean, I wouldn’t have said no to an animal pitch invader having a little scamper around the pitch. But for all intents and purposes this game had it all. The task here is basically futile. Words just aren’t as fun - go watch it if you somehow missed it. And not just the highlights!

Over the last two months, Antonio Conte has made this Premier League lark look pretty easy. But Chelsea haven’t faced a serious threat to their system until this weekend. It was definitely set to be a clash for the FM lovers out there. While its typical that the hype surrounding these fixtures is better than the game itself, Saturday turned out to be the opposite. Sure those ‘systems’ were dispatched, but frustration won in the end - which really was a victory for us all. 

As its been ages since the actual game - or may just feel like ages since watching the game on a loop for the last four days - I thought it prudent to just break down the best moments …

Chelsea vs Everton: The One That Remembered

Costa: caged

After some of the scenes last season, I had braced myself for a season of transition. Some dodgy results to come Chelsea’s way and hopefully a handful of players fighting for a position under the new regime. Nothing that has happened in the last 18 months prepared me for Saturday’s scintillating performance.

Difficult to imagine that before the weekend, Everton boasted the second best defence in the Premier League — conceding just 8 goals in their opening 8 fixtures. They left London lucky not to have conceded that many in the afternoon. If not more. But just how did we get there?

David Luiz: Return of the Curls

He's baaaaaaack

After last summer’s transfer window shambles in the very public and painstaking pursuit of John Stones, this summer was shaping up to be another miserable one for Chelsea’s transfer committee — whoever they may be. Not to take anything away from the excellent N’Golo Kanté or effervescent Michy Batshuayi who are fantastic additions to Chelsea’s squad.

But John Terry, Branislav Ivanovic and Gary Cahill are not getting any younger. Chelsea have very publicly been chasing a centre back and full back to give the team a boost. And yet, I did not see that deadline day deal coming. 

Swansea vs Chelsea: Continuing the BA-ttle

"Hold Me Closer, Tony Danza"

If Sunday's early game did anything it was to throw Chelsea supporters into a bit of a wobble as they tried to do some quick math and put personal feelings aside. Which result would be most palatable pitted against which result would benefit Chelsea's title hopes the most. Taking a moment here to curse Pulis' Palace for this decision even having to be made and then moving on.

Mathematically, a Liverpool win was Chelsea's most beneficial result, as distasteful as it felt. If Chelsea went on to beat Swansea (spoiler alert: they did) it would mean that if Chelsea don't Palace it up again and win their remaining 4 (FOUR!) games with City dropping a couple of points in one of their 26 games in hand - we could see Mourinho wear a trophy like a crown once again.

Sounds easy enough. Chelsea have shown time and again this season that they know how to handle a big match matching title challengers and just about every step. The crux of that ,of course, is 3 of Chelsea's 4 remaining games are against relegation fodder. The fixtures that recall the recent trips to Palace and Villa or even the visit from London's Eastenders.

Chelsea vs PSG: We've Done It Before

CL match winner Demba Ba. Let that sink in.

With some stumbles in recent weeks, notably to Villa and Palace, it was difficult to tell which Chelsea side would turn up at Stamford Bridge last night. Yes there was the emphatic win over Stoke, but Peter Crouch isn't exactly Edinson Cavani.

Two years ago Chelsea found themselves on the wrong end of a 3-1 away and a victory over Stoke before not only going on to beat Napoli but to only go on and win the whole bloody thing. Would luck favour them again or was it all used up against Barcelona and Munich?

Chelsea vs Stoke: Stoke’s Aversion to Goals at the Bridge Continues

So. Much. Hair.

After losing 3-1 away in a Champions League tie, is to host Stoke in the PL right before the continental types make their way to Stamford Bridge. Of course this time around there wasn’t a flurry of other matches and managerial changes before Stoke at home but the similarities are close enough to give those in and around SW6 enough hope going into Tuesday night’s tie.

Crystal Palace vs Chelsea: Tony Pulis’ Lucky Number 13

"You know what happens when ballboys waste time vs Chelsea"

From the outside, things looked brilliant for Chelsea going into Saturday’s game with Palace. Not only had they just humiliated Arsenal a week before, but Tony Pulis had never managed a win over a Chelsea side - losing on 10 of those occasions. TEN. But for those who know Chelsea a little better than the casual outside, they’ll have had some trepidation. They’ll know Chelsea will make things as hard for themselves as possible - easily beating title contenders and struggling against anyone that looks set for a stint in the Championship.

Chelsea vs Arsenal: 999 Games + 1 Wenger Would Like to Forget

Not Kieran Gibbs

You may not have heard, but Saturday was Arsene Wenger's 1000th game in charge of Arsenal. The press had kept it pretty quiet in the roundup, so thought I'd make sure you lot knew. And although I had something pretty special intended for the post-mortem on the match, I thought I'd send in Kieran Gibbs to do it instead.

With the special relationship which the managers have developed over the years, Arsene Wenger was undoubtedly delighted to mark the occasion of his big game against his close personal friend Jose Mourinho. A man he has yet to see victory over on or off the pitch.

West Brom vs Chelsea: The Little Horse Has a Little Wobble

Torres: In defence of Gary

Dropped points away to West Brom, and the Chelsea manager hasn't been sacked. Roman Abramovich has gone soft. Or he hasn't found out yet. Either way without a confusing analogy about horses or eggs to divert attention from the performance on the pitch, it's difficult to not feel a little cheated.

So the black kit returns to Chelsea, and Chelsea return to London with a single point. Is it possible that a black kit is just too sleek for Chelsea and they can't handle the swagger of it? Admittedly I'm a fan of turning up to a ground looking like a complete bad-ass.* And while the team were certainly dressed the part, they didn't do much worthy of the kit furthering the jinx that Chelsea seem to have in black.

Chelsea vs Newcastle: The Little Horse "Learning" to Jump (City + Arsenal)

Ivanovic assists Hazard in more way than one

It might come as a surprise to some of you, but I don't José Mourinho actually meant what he said about Chelsea just trying to finish top 4 this season. I know. Minds blown. If you need to take a minute to consider that, I'm happy to wait here for you .... And by wait here I mean top up a G&T.

Chelsea vs Manchester United: Round 2

"Sure you'll score 3 vs United today. I believe you"

Note: any delays in the production of this match report have been in whole part due to the 'writer' having a sad about the possible exit of London fanboy, Juan Mata. Although not fully recovered from aforementioned sad, it would have been remiss of said 'writer' to not report on the joy that preceded the moody strop to which she has descended.

Although it may be Manchester United who get the last (beautifully bearded) laugh this week, it was Chelsea who took all three points this weekend. In no small way did this make the task for David Moyes a bigger challenge than it was to offload Anderson. And somehow, somehow he pulled that off. More impressive than the move was Anderson not breaking any aircraft weight allowances to get make it to Fiorentina.

Hull vs Chelsea: Tigers Tamed

"You've Changed ... "

After seeing Chelsea play Hull on the opening day of the season, Hull looked sure to be heading back to the Championship sooner than later. Cut to 5 months later and they've joined the mid-table likes of Aston Villa and Manchester United with an impressively solid look about that at home. Saturday's lunchtime kick off was not going to be like the fun and games of the opening day.

Schalke vs Chelsea: A Torres'd Time of It

Torres finally has his head in the game

All week the papers have been warning London about severe weather warnings were imminent. They failed to mention the elusive storm, otherwise known as El Nino, would make its way from the capital to Germany.

Norwich vs Chelsea: Carrow Road provides three points and Delia-cious pie

Mourinho not loving what he smells in Norwich

Three games. Three managers. Three wins. Hello nurs… Norwich.

It doesn’t seem to matter the manager, Chelsea have managed a win over Norwich just about every time they face the Canaries. And with the ‘crisis’ ever lurking in the papers, they couldn’t have faced them at a better time.

Tottenham vs Chelsea: Cat Scratch Fever

Torres shows his appreciation for some great refereeing

There’s always a lot of anticipation when Chelsea goes to Tottenham and not just for those looking for a little slap and tickle. But with the return of Mourinho, and Villas Boas sticking around somewhere long enough to start a second season – all eyes were firmly planted on the technical area. It was all terribly master and servant with quotes being pulled from a year ago to heighten the excitement and constructed rivalry.

Swindon Town vs Chelsea: Return of the Special Juan

'Jose made me do it'

There’s not too many people that would consider Chelsea’s Milk Capital One Cup tie a glamour fixture – it’s like Sky knew something they didn’t.  Tuesday night’s match turned out to be an opportunity for Chelsea’s players to show why they should be on the teamsheet week in and week out. Although most clubs use this very somewhat important competition as an opportunity to watch their youth and fringe players, only Chelsea would have Juan Mata and David Luiz on that list.

Manchester United v Chelsea: The Chelsea Smile Returns

This man is incapable of not laughing

Chelsea faced Manchester United for the FIFTH time this season. FIFTH. It was like Benitez’ dream come true. In part as it’s a team that the interim one can beat winning the last four of five League meetings with United. Unlike Reading where he’s won one of his last five in all competitions with the Championship incumbents.

With United already securing the title and failing to be able to match Mourinho’s points record, United were left with nothing to play for except pride. And Ferguson’s lineup pretty much said as much. As the lineups were released, North London wondered what they’d ever done to SAF to warrant such a lineup. I hate to be the one to break it to North London, but I’m afraid it’s not all about you. Ferguson is far too self involved for such matters and his only concern is ensuring his onlookers play enough games to get themselves a medal too.