Liverpool v Chelsea: Reality Bites

The moment Suarez realises he did
not bite Ivanovic hard enough

How was this weekend’s football ever going to live up to all the excitement of last weekend where a man squared up to a horse, and Aguero played proctologist for a day? Saturday limped through with nothing more than QPR and Reading playing chicken with points, and Arsenal doing what they could to make the race for top four interesting. And then came Sunday ....

Rain soaked and crammed into tiny pubs all around Anfield, Chelsea watched as seven minutes was all it took for Spurs to turn Chelsea's match with Liverpool from probably should win into absolutely have to win. It was about as positive a sign as was a manager being in charge of the club in his former ground hearing what sounded like applause for the first time for him this season. Or was that merely interim applause?

Either way as supporters made their way in they were treated with a lot of pomp and circumstance and a minute’s applause for fear that the ne’re-do-well Chelsea supporters ruin their moment again. A woman who’d spent her life fighting for the justice of her son’s lost life warranted that moment. People who lost their lives while punishing their bodies for the good of a number of charities deserved their moment. Linking the two tragedies was crass, inappropriate at minimum.

The match was always going to be a lively one on and off the pitch. And despite some cynical thoughts that may have transversed by imagination, the lineup wasn’t the Southampton-style horror show I had anticipated. However, with such a delicate constitution and not being cup tied for Thursday, the mask of Torres should have been a spectator for this occasion only. This moment could have tipped the balance just enough to be even more powerful than the influence that masochistic accessory.

Third Round of the FA Cup ... Before all the Replays Arsenal and United

When Frank went up to lift the FA Cup...
Sign him up!!

Magic of the cup... cupset ... er, insert generic footballing cliche here. Thought I’d get them all out of the way before I bang on about some of the high and lowlights from the latest edition of Budweiser’s Third Round of the FA Cup. Other poor American lagers are available. The highs, the lows, the hands .... We had it all.

Southampton v Chelsea

Chelsea scored 5 goals, 2 from the new boy in town. Sound familiar? It’s all so 2010. Demba Ba has taken his role as Sturridge’s replacement very seriously and began his Chelsea career in the exact same manner. Chelsea supporters of course will be hoping that he plays a bit better with others and learns the fine art of passing as well as poaching.

That Time of the Month

Cech: The One. The Only.
Have a happy period.

Who would have thought that having a lady physio would come in quite as handy as it did for Chelsea this weekend. As Cech's already reinforced head took another beating (the one on his shoulders you little sauce pots), Dr Eva came to the rescue. Lucky for all of us that it was *that* time for her and she managed to instantaneously procure some tampons. I'll pause here for you all to dry heave a little at the thought of lady time.

We good now? Another minute maybe (because it's only going to get worse from here)...

Eva may need a raise as she's clearly not sprung for sanitary products with extra leak protection. Cech's nose continued to bleed like ....oh, even I can't continue that one. Anyways, King of Tampax managed to keep a very rare clean sheet with some assistance from Ramires. Someone has needed to step up in defence, who knew it would be such an unlikely candidate. Either way, Petr Cech is MOTM* for me as it simply takes some serious bollocks to stand in front of 31000 men with tampons in your nose a broken nose and get on with your job as well as he did.

In honour of SAF's anniversary I hope that you all spent the weekend very much intoxicated and rarely making sense. Just me then? I thought not.. It was always a given that Steve Bruce would gift the geezer with another 3 points. But for Wes Brown to step up and score for United must have made it all the more special. To be fair, after the number of own goals Brown has already been at fault for against United, he does probably owe him one.

And with no one caring about the International Friendlies until it actually coming to team selection, it was nice of Capello to finally listen to my badgering about Danny Sturridge. Studge has finally got the big call up for England as Capello is testing out a Rooney free starting XI. If these are meant to prepare correctly for Euros, Don Fabio may have just got things right there. And to continue what is hovering on a compliment of Capello's selection, he's actually stood behind Terry and the innocent until proven guilty mantra. He could have saved a lot of time and trouble if he'd thought about that when it came to John's P in a V...but no matter. And to prove my sanity sobriety skepticism at Capello's acumen, Micah Richards has been pushed out by Glen Johnson. It is the only time that Johnson would be able to win a one on one with just about anyone even with the help of a bullish Italian.

Enjoy the break!

jb xx

* Ok, we all know it'd be Frank for knowing when to go get down and use his head.**

** That may or may not have been the gin strawberry ribena talking.

Red Cards, England Strikers and a Stroppy Frenchman .... Nothing New

Olympic Diving 2012: Team Douche

Finally the giant ‘time out’ that is the international break is over and I have something to do on the weekend again. There weren’t even any dishy rumours to keep us going until the league matches began again this weekend. And let’s be honest, Rooney getting a red card for being a petulant twat is as much news as the rain in Scotland. If only there had been some other global tournament that England could embarrass themselves by exiting in the quarter finals to keep me going....

Back to the league where the men are men and the mouthbreathers refuse to play.

Some of you may have been mildly dismayed (just let me have this one...) at my lack of Bolton - Chelsea blog. However, the men of the Chelsea FanCast allowed me to waffle on about Frank on their actual podcast rather than have to, you know, write it down etc and so on...

*Blantant self promotion contained immediately below*

http://podcasts.footballfancast.com/chelsea_fancast/

Anyways, thanks to one of my very good friends, I got to spend this weekend’s fixture in the ever posh West Stand. It is everything you’ve heard it to be. I mean, I thought the stewards in full black tie was a bit excessive for a football match, buy why not? Right?

A team managed by a feisty Scot and captained by a son of Neville Neville, was always going to be a difficult affair. Everton had managed five success draws at Stamford Bridge, and for the opening 20 minutes, it really did not look like that was going to change. However, as soon as the man I said would find a way through - found a way through it became arguably one of Chelsea’s most comfortable games of the season so far. Juan Mata spread himself around so much that at one point he was nice enough to get me a drink and share the seat next to me. But I digress.

I actually am in need of some help here. I’m confused (about SO many things, but let’s just stick to football shall we). It is both annoyed and bemused me that Fabio Capello has ignored our star striker for so long. How he has not yet made the England squad is beyond my comprehension. But with Rooney now ruling himself out of the group stages at Euro to braid his hair or something, we have a striker who constantly wants the ball, will play in the centre or at the right, and you know, scores lots of f*%^£*@g goals. In my meager estimation, that should pretty much make him an automatic selection. But I am trying to think like a man who thought Emile Heskey was the answer to every question posed of England in the World Cup.

And up north there is currently a battle between two of the most repugnant individuals around. And no, it’s not Rio Ferdinand versus Piers Morgan Part CIXVII. It’s Patrice Evra v Luis Suarez. How does anyone really pick a side here. And it stems from Evra accusing someone of racism, because he’s never done that before. With his high cheekbones and perfectly groomed facial hair, I’m not sure he’s exactly got the street cred to be at the centre of all racism. However, he is accusing someone who feels its ok to actually bite people after the age of 2. I know Suarez has an unfair advantage when it comes to teeth, but he’s really just taking the p*ss there. This one is definitely to be continued...but does anyone care? 

Mini-poll: with a gun to your head, who’s side would you take? 

It may only be October gift, but we have already been given a Christmas gift that will keep on giving - Mario Balotelli will be planning Manchester City’s Chrimbo Party. You’re Welcome.

Happy Champions League week!

jb xx

http://twitter.com/cfc_jb

Feel like a Heineken and Singing in a Silly Voice...

Laughing at your teammate after you score and he
doesn't? Priceless

Well it’s back. And we all know I’d be easier than the cast of Geordie Shore. I tried to ignore the re-emergence of Champions League, but with a theme tune like that - how could I deny it? Sure, it was alluring enough when the groups were drawn, but not irresistible. Especially with the wank groups gifted to Manchester United and Barcelona...again, I was definitely able to ignore the many Heineken advertisements.

The Chelsea faithful managed a decent protest against the raise in ticket pricing and called for a boycott of the game. In theory, I was on board. Ignore my nemesis - the Champions League? Yes. Done. Easy....or is it? First, my mates were all going...but I was still going to take a stance against this persistent abuser of my senses. Oh no, wait, now someone has offered me a ticket...a Champions League ticket. One that would see the return of one Herr Ballack. Of course I crumbled and went with blind enthusiasm that should really only be reserved for children in fairgrounds. And as with most group stages - Chelsea’s time in the Champion’s League did not fail to disappoint.

Herr Ballack was given the reception that was due both before kick off and again when he was substituted late in the game. His would not be the only standing ovation of the night. Further ovations were offered to Danny Sturridge and David Luiz. Feel free to refer to the last blog to see me waffling on about Sturridge. And as for Luiz, yes, he was the goal scorer, but what really surprised me was that he took full control of our back line. That’s right, Branislav Ivanovic did what that man with *that* hair told him to. I’ll let you take a moment to really think about that.

And not to be repetitive, but actually to be completely repetitive - another fantastic performance from Torres. With a £50M price tag, no one will ever hear the end of his shortcomings until he starts scoring himself, but his work rate is phenomenal as is his selflessness. He constantly looked up for it, and has no problem moving into a wide position to get the ball into the box for say.....little Juan Mata. And although Mata was again great, er, who’s idea was it for him to take corners? 

FloMo, if you’re reading this (which you obviously are) - physically harm him if you have to. I know that he looks exactly like the manager which makes things confusing, but he should never be allowed near a corner flag again.

Apparently there were some other English teams also involved in this. I don’t want to ruin it for you, but they all drew (as did some team from Spain - they keep it on the downlow, but they are sponsored by a charity making them infinitely better than all of you). 

Arsene, I told you before - Gunnersaurus at centre back. You can thank me later.

Fergie, I know that you’re a fan of whiskey and gum, but it has done your waistline no favours whatsoever. Clearly you’ve been hiding this Andy Reid diet under your suit jacket. Either make friends with vegetables or I’m going to have to issue you a touchline ban for any country warm enough that sees you take off the jacket. Also, I realise you're not used to compliments and that (and you won't as you continue to expand), but when someone appreciates the skills shown by your starting keeper, it is not necessarily some diabolical attack on the one you didn't play. It could in fact be a genuine appreciation shown to his skill and your insight in signing him. So, maybe have yourself a steam with Giggsy, chill out (and cheers for not playing him this coming weekend).

Yaya, Dzeko (or is that one person?) and co., the crossbar is not your friend. Please look back to Didier Drogba’s actual attack on it. Works a treat. <warning: do not take it to f*cking disgrace levels>

Michael Owen, you probably should have brought that challenging horsey jigsaw puzzle you started a few weeks back. As sad as it is for me to discuss this, it makes me feel a little sadder that I think you may not have finished it yet. Thankfully, those seats on the bench are pretty cosy.

Anders Lindegaard, you may want to avoid the jigsaw puzzling Mr. Owen. You may be surprised to learn this, but he's actually your teammate. Difficult to tell while he's cosied up next to the Berba. I realise your stance is that you don't want to pick Nani's nose. If you're hoping to maintain that enthusiasm, just steer clear of that vortex where a striker once was.

And finally....

Adidas, who's idea was it there to have Chelsea's CL training kits and bibs done up to match traffic cones? Genuinely, it was slightly worrying as it appeared the stewards would make up the bench on Tuesday evening. It was like some type of perverted camouflage. If this is how Chelsea engages in 'mindgames', by hiding the team amongst the stewards, I'm going to suggest we step it up and remember the good times of managers hiding in laundry bins.

Roll on the weekend...or Europa league tonight if you fancy that sort of thing.

jb xx

Crouching Boas, Scoring Striker

Fernando shows the world he is master of
his own domain, er, bib.

Well hello there,

A little longer than normal between posts and my apologies for such a delay. And before you hear any rumours, I wasn't on some gin soaked bender...despite what people may tell you. It was rum....it wasn't. I considered telling you I took the fortnight off due to post traumatic stress syndrome because I'm just that in sync with Didier....or maybe I was just *that* embarrassed for my Gooner mates. But let's be honest, no one would believe the latter...I was in fact embarking on a bit of a move and it took up the time I usually spend sharing my expertise technical insight random, silly opinions with you. Despite no longer being able to write these from the comfort of my bed, I'll be a trooper and make the trip to the pub* Starbucks to inflict this upon you.

The geniuses at work who plan the fixtures carefully to maintain interest and refrain conflict did a stellar job this weekend and in no way does it reflect the possibility of randomly drawing fixtures out of a hat. Not only do we have another Monday night fixture, but Super Sunday saw Fulham host Blackburn, while West Brom headed to Norwich. I'm not being funny, but this isn't exactly the hangover repair fodder that I'm really looking for FA fixture officials. Just a thought for next season. They also thought it'd be a super idea to have Chelsea, Sp*rs, Arsenal, City and Liverpool all with 3pm Saturday kick offs. For those of us football whores who like to watch as many matches at possible when not able to actually attend, this was not only slightly schizophrenic, it made for an interesting mix of people braving my new local in Fulham.

As a sidenote on this new local, I'd like to thank the Wolves supporter (yes, you did actually read that correctly), who attempted to block the Jabba the Hut stunt double from repeated attempts to propose marriage and possibly suck out my soul - or lunch. It was a valiant effort against a man who makes Andy Reid look anorexic.

Obviously the big talking point amongst proper football journalists with real insight was the fact that Fernando Torres spent a little time on the bench to start the match. And they are correct, he was not in the starting line up. I'm pretty sure that anyone with eyeballs could have actually told you that. But, I may be crazy in saying this - wait for it - but maybe.....just maybe.... He did not start on the bench because of his form. There is that outside chance that with Chelsea having six strikers available to them and playing twice a week from here on out, that maybe, just maybe that crazy crouching manager may be resting some strikers to keep them fresh for the extra games they are about to embark in. And as a man of his word, he was required to start one Mr. Sturridge up front as his ban has been served.

Finally given his chance to shine with Chelsea, Danny certainly lived up to the hype I've been jamming down your throats since he left Manchester City. A slow start to the match, Chelsea were never really out of control and almost looked bored at the opposition, however a stunning pass to JT leading to the opening goal. His cheeky back-heeled goal made his performance today. Similar to an attempt that Balotelli made in pre-season which saw him unceremoniously substituted before the half, Danny's lead to his audition for Dancing with the Stars and a deserved ovation when he finally came off.

As for Arsenal, although you managed a win, I still highly recommend your use of Gunnersaurus as your centre back. You don't get to play the mighty Swansea every week. What he lacks in agility, he certainly makes up for in height and, er, girth. Surely he's as useful as Koscielny.

And for those of you too drunk sleepy to have stayed up for Match of the Day, you missed Jamie's Carragher's discussion of yet another penalty he gave away. In a moment of sheer brilliance he suggested that he -may- have got a little too close to Walters. Yes Jamie, wrapping your arm completely around the front of a man's body and then slipping it around his thigh is a little too close. At least that's what I've been told.**

Hope you all enjoyed your matches from wherever you were. Unless you're a United supporter of course. ;)

I would discuss upcoming Champions League fixtures here, but I'm still playing hard to get with the CL. It needs to work really hard during these group stages for me to really talk to CL again. And by really hard I mean a win tomorrow will probably see a waffling blog posted here on Wednesday.

Good to be back

jb xx

*ok, it is the pub, but I'd like to give off some air of respectability here - you just know me too well.

**am not a pervy rapist. Well, not a rapist. There's no restraining orders against me yet, so I'm sticking with this one.

I Want to be a Chelsea Ranger....

You know what? Those hair extensions
are doing Rooney a world of good.

.....because there is actually panic on the streets of London. What does this mean, Morrissey is a prophet and Joey Barton is now the happiest man in the world.***

Sorry I'm a tad late with this one lads I had to pick up a plasma, some x-box games and as many trainers as I could handle....er...anyways...

To those of you who looted The Body Shop... The Body Shop? Really gentlemen?... um...actually...I could do with some Satsuma lotion. Just saying.

So, since Danny Dyer is somewhere walking amazingly around Croydon about now where it's got proper naughty, he's really left all of football to us. So get your jackets zipped and white trainers on!

Despite pre-season just ending (and Championship beginning)...oh and some large plate being given away somewhere near Green Man, actual matches that actually mattered are starting to be cancelled thanks to a bunch of chavs apparently in desperate need to stick it to the man. And by the man I mean Gregg's. Does their selfishness know no bounds? People need football and pastries - and now will be suffering the week without either. That's right, there'll be no chicken bakes or West Ham match today. Everyone take a moment to reflect...

And while the rest of you are reflecting I'm going to take a moment to use this space for supporters at my local. Hey guys, remember that time when I proudly ponced in and was wearing my Sturridge shirt and you laughed at me? That is all.

The constantly rotated back line of Chelsea finally showed weakness (that wasn't Ross Turnbull) and conceded our first actual goal of the pre-season. It stung a little. The goal was early, the back line a bit of shambles, the travelling support arguably beyond day drunk (from the night before). I judge.* Thankfully, it was the last opportunity for everyone to show AVB and Robbie what they could do. And one Mr. Sturridge certainly rose to the occassion. He has been out to impress ever since joining from City and is taking the shot he has been given. He did my shirt proud. I'm sure that really matters to him. Chelsea have been missing someone in front of goal who can just put whatever rubbish given to him in. Not to say that was the situation on Saturday. Drogba was as dangerous as ever. He may not have ended up on the score sheet himself, but was definitely a whole lot to handle. Danny and Didier would be two of the first names I'd put on the sheet Sunday (if Danny weren't serving that ban of course). Nico, we've had a good run. We really have. But you didn't want to show and tell as much as the other boys in Glasgow, and you may have to spend some quality time on the bench with Ross and think *must do better*.

Back to this Derby match. Obviously the Big Mac Plate Community Shield is a pre-season friendly [Manchester City]  ..most important and glorious trophy to set the whole tone for the season [Manchester United] the only thing standing in our way for actual football to begin [everyone else] We could discuss Van der Sar's replacement - Manuel Almunia

Er...I've just been informed that it was not in fact Manuel Almunia. After the second goal, I was sure I'd seen him somewhere before. [Ed note: Dear any of the 17 strikers at Chelsea - when facing Manchester Red shoot anything you want from outside the box, it will probably go in.] There was also the fact that Rio "steal other people's phrases and annoy everyone with them" Ferdinand was so busy planning his next clothing line, modelled by none other than everyone's favourite - James Corden, he may have forgot that he was involved in Big Mac Plate and that he was meant to be marking Dzeko.

But the most important part of Big Mac Plate - the mystery of the semi final wink gate was solved. Balo Couture will always outshine any fashion line that Rio has Gavin & Stacey's Smithy modelling. Possibly because he is bedazzled like the disco ball in my gay bessie's room. It was rumoured that one Mario Balotelli left wearing "gold puffa jacket, knee-length denim shorts (diamond hem) and glittering-gold suitcase." This is a man who could clearly give a *&$@ ...Rio is rumoured to be so jealous after sporting those short shorts, that Mario has outdone him once again.


It has also been rumoured that it was the diamond hemmed shorts that started the riots in North London as Chavs across the area searched high and wide. Sorry gents, that type of bedazzling is a Balo Couture original. You're not going to find it in General House Clearance on Lordship Lane.


Oh and welcome to London Town Romelu Lukaku. It's a fantastic time to have a little bus tour around the city before you head to training. Just try and not get hit by a missile before you've had a chance to pass your medical.




jb xx

http://twitter.com/cfc_jb



*I'm jealous.
**I might also be drunk from the night before.
***anyone with access to twitter knows that he may now be the angriest man in the world as he's been incorrectly quoting Nietzsche and should have stuck to quoting Smiths lyrics all along.