Watford vs Chelsea: The one that saw tears (and not just Chelsea fans’)

Cesar knows

There’s no getting around the fact that the Chelsea results of 2018 have been poor. Shipping seven goals across 180 minutes does not feel good. No matter who the opposition are or where the team plays. And sitting through three consecutive goalless draws did not feel a shade better. However, some people need to dial their crisis-o-meter’s back a bit.

Some people might want think about what they’re doing and give themselves a social media timeout before their faces melt off. Fans are rife with entitlement and finger pointing. Looking for any sort of scape goat. Two things to always keep in mind are that no team wins every match and when there’s a clusterfuck of results, it’s never one person’s fault. So you’re only working yourselves into an embarrassing state for nothing.

Chelsea vs Newcastle: The one that made a case for playing Batman

Who's lives in a pineapple under the sea...

After Chelsea took 210 actual minutes to earn themselves a penalty shootout against Championship mid-table stalwarts Norwich City in the Energy Drink Cup, it was really anyone’s guess how they would fare against a Premier League side in the better domestic cup competition. Even if that Premier League side was Newcastle. 

After watching Tottenham struggle against Newport County and Liverpool exit at the hands of Alan Pardew’s side, it was up to Chelsea to keep the FA Cup fun going (not for you neutrals. For me, you heathens). They have very much been their own worst enemy this season. But there was reason to be positive before the game.

Tottenham vs Chelsea: The one that saw the suit return

Hero

Without half the squad available due to injury, suspension and dodgy text messages — the last team Chelsea needed to face this week was the one with ‘the most points over the last two season’. Other trophyless titles are available. See also best offence and / or best defence in the country.

There were some glimmers of hope that were carefully placed in the papers and on your social media timelines. Mostly in the form of a tiny little Belgian magician who just happens to love a goal against Tottenham. Eden Hazard returned to full training for the first time this week and there was a chance that he could make the bench. He didn’t.

However, one of Chelsea’s other walking wounded not only got into the match day squad, but only found himself in the starting XI. Tiemoue Bakayoko would likely not have been risked if it had not been for Cesc Fabregas’ love of sarcasm. He looks like he still needs time to settle and sort out his knee. But there’s a lot of physical potential there to fill the Nemanja Matic sized hole.

Chelsea vs Crystal Palace: The One that was an April Fool

Looking back on those opening 4 mins like...

It goes without saying - but I’ll say it anyways - Saturday didn’t exactly go to plan for Chelsea. But a little perspective might need injected here. Chelsea losing on the same weekend second place Tottenham win is far from ideal in the title race. However, the weekend’s results that left Twitter in a little mini-meltdown see Chelsea still sit seven points clear at the top of the league in April.

Liverpool vs Chelsea: The One David Luiz Made 100 PL Apps

Bottoms Up

Is there any fixture in the Premier League calendar that generates more nonsense in terms of narrative and delusion that Liverpool vs Chelsea? Before the match there were a number of comments about how ‘everyone’ was desperate for Liverpool to win this one, Jürgen Klopp included. As Liverpool fans seem to exist in a bubble, I suppose an argument could be made for them thinking it was everyone.

I suspect that sensible supporters, and I do realise that is an oxymoron, but supporters within touching distance of second would rather see both teams drop points. And I certainly find it unlikely that Manchester United fans were desperate to see Liverpool beat anyone, especially one that could draw them anywhere near top of the table.

Chelsea vs Spurs: The One That Spurs Quit Champions League For

Diego Will Stare Into Your Soul

Much has been made this week about European competition and the direct effect it has on domestic results. But what’s the point of fighting to qualify for a competition if you’re only going to whinge about being in it? Tottenham took it a step further and essentially chose a result at Stamford Bridge rather than continuing on in the Champions League.

What they hadn’t planned on was the result which they came away with. Even if they’d won, three points likely won’t make or break their season come May. But a mid-week mishap at Monaco would would mean the end of their Champions League campaign, so why prioritise the domestic game? Why give up Champions League to get a domestic result in hopes of — qualifying for Champions League?

Chelsea vs Bristol Rovers: The One That Was in the 2nd Round of the League Cup

Batman & Ruben

Remember when Tuesday night’s were for Champions League matches? Me neither. COME BACK CHAMPIONS LEAGUE — I MISS YOU It doesn’t get much better than the second round of the league cup. The last time Chelsea made an appearance this early Antonio Conte was lifting the Champions League trophy, Ruben Loftus-Cheek had just arrived in the world and Take That were splitting up. All in all a pretty good year.

PSG v Chelsea: The One Where the Result Didn't Matter

Diego Costa doesn't do friendlies

Chelsea had the opportunity to take revenge for their Champions League exit! Or so the buildup to last night’s pre-season friendly would have you believe. But a pre-season friendly in America doesn’t quite hold the same gravitas amongst fans as say the actual Champions League. Shocking revelations, I know.

Aside from the obvious shirt sale extravaganzas, the matches are meant to prepare the team for games that actually matter. Or pseudo competitions like next week’s big plate competition - otherwise known as the first time Chelsea have to see Petr Cech in the wrong kit. The oh so very wrong kit.

Chelsea v Rubin Kazan: The Lone Ranger Strikes Aga... Finally

Who is this masked man?

Who was that masked man? No really. Who was he? Much has been undoubtedly and deservedly made of the man who masqueraded in a Torres shirt yesterday. What an absolutely brilliant game from the man who will henceforth be known as Zorres.*

The masked man of mystery knew he had a task ahead of him as much was made about the toe poke from his previously masked counterpart - Demba Ba. Only when Ba's mask was removed was he able to provide Chelsea with all the fire power his big toe could muster. How would Zorres cope as Torres is not one for competition. And with a guaranteed start on Thursday night's would his toes be able to live up to the press that Ba's did? Those were toes that eliminated Manchester United from another domestic cup.

Kicking Off the Europa League and Not In Style

Hazard: will not be judged for wearing gloves

The final sixteen would look a lot different in the very much respected somewhat revered Europa League if it weren't for a left footed shot in the dying seconds from a Belgian. Not one, but two of England's four clubs would have found themselves more than a little embarrassed at their progress towards European glory the Europa League tin cup.