Manchester United vs Chelsea: The One With a Silly Guus

Kurt smash

When Chelsea, in all their infinite wisdom, let Jose Mourinho go, did they also decide to consciously uncouple with their opposition scout — or all common sense? I appreciate that some of the Bank Holiday squad was dictated by suspensions and illness, but that’s no excuse to start Nemanja Matic and John Obi Mikel together. Ever.

This is not in anyway a criticism of either player - they do a fine job. But -- the same job. And maybe this could have been a keen idea deployed against a formidable attacking side like Leicester or Manchester City, but it was complete overkill when facing a team who’d managed to score 2 whole goals in their last 4 games. 2 goals. In 360 minutes. In fact, with the number of times they’ve failed to score in a match this season, Hiddink could have showed some real cojones and done away with a holding midfielder altogether.

Chelsea vs Sunderland: The First One Without JoMo 2.0

Man Love

And here we are again ….

Obviously it’s impossible to say we didn’t see this coming - the end of JoMo 2.0. Of course, the chancers who were constantly speculating week in and week out claiming that *this* game or *that* game was definitely going to be Jose Mourinho’s final one helped - or hurt depending on how you look at it. Either way, we all knew our time together was coming to a dramatic and disappointing end.

At whatever point this season you accepted it had become a matter of when and not if, Chelsea’s conscious uncoupling with Jose Mourinho felt horrendous. I cannot confirm nor deny some of us cried like babies and skipped their company Christmas dos. It was like Michael Emenalo and co. had ruined Christmas — and then some.

Chelsea vs Newcastle: The One Where Time Was Wasted

So many happy faces

Despite the recent emergence of Newcastle as Chelsea’s ‘bogey’ team, the home side looked like they should have romped to an easy victory -- on paper. But it never really does work out that way, does it?! Promises of random squad rotation and dodgy keepers abounded. But somehow Newcastle's lengthy list of injries was all but forgotten with Tim Krul recovring in time to make his first appearance since November, along with Jamie Carragher's first choice manager -- Fabricio Coloccini.

Luckily for Chelsea, John Carver was still in charge of the North East side so to speak. The tactics he chose to impart were a) let Rémy Cabella do whatever he wants because he basically can. And b) time waste at each and every given opportunity - from minute 1 -- even if you’re chasing the game. The time wasting went from frustrating to baffling as it was the only real mark that Newcastle left on the game (outside of Cabella’s brilliant performance).

Crystal Palace vs Chelsea: The One with All the Balls

Towards the end of last season, Chelsea had become accustomed to dropping points in matches that they were expected to win. After the defeat at Selhurst Park in March, Jose Mourinho noted on a journalist's pad what Chelsea were missing most were "balls". Seven months on and they headed into Saturday's derby without their striker and his dodgy hamstring -- but did anyone really notice?

Chelsea vs Arsenal: 999 Games + 1 Wenger Would Like to Forget

Not Kieran Gibbs

You may not have heard, but Saturday was Arsene Wenger's 1000th game in charge of Arsenal. The press had kept it pretty quiet in the roundup, so thought I'd make sure you lot knew. And although I had something pretty special intended for the post-mortem on the match, I thought I'd send in Kieran Gibbs to do it instead.

With the special relationship which the managers have developed over the years, Arsene Wenger was undoubtedly delighted to mark the occasion of his big game against his close personal friend Jose Mourinho. A man he has yet to see victory over on or off the pitch.

Chelsea vs Manchester United: Round 2

"Sure you'll score 3 vs United today. I believe you"

Note: any delays in the production of this match report have been in whole part due to the 'writer' having a sad about the possible exit of London fanboy, Juan Mata. Although not fully recovered from aforementioned sad, it would have been remiss of said 'writer' to not report on the joy that preceded the moody strop to which she has descended.

Although it may be Manchester United who get the last (beautifully bearded) laugh this week, it was Chelsea who took all three points this weekend. In no small way did this make the task for David Moyes a bigger challenge than it was to offload Anderson. And somehow, somehow he pulled that off. More impressive than the move was Anderson not breaking any aircraft weight allowances to get make it to Fiorentina.

Southampton vs Chelsea: Saints & Sinners

Oh Hello 2014

Fernando Torres' New Year's resolution: score more goals.

With so much being made of no Chelsea striker scoring away from home in the Premier League for the whole of 2013, you had to have known that Torres was going to score on New Years Day. Had to. OK, even if you didn't know, I knew for you. Oh, I knew ....

Fernando Torres carried on from his brief cameo against his former shell suit sporting club like a man possessed. Not one to sit back and wait for service, Torres only went and dribbled circles around Southampton's midfield. Of course that did him and Chelsea no good in the first half, but it sure did look impressive.

Chelsea vs Southampton: The first 13 seconds don't count

Difficult to tell if Terry or Ivanovic is more excited here

Like quickly tearing off a plaster, let's get this bit of the match done and over with … Michael Essien had a bit of a 'mare on Sunday. Not only did he forget that the match had actually started as he assisted Southampton's opening (and only) goal, but then only went and got himself booked for diving. The ridiculous dive was an obvious attempt to help everyone of the Chelsea faithful forget the initial 13 seconds. To be fair to the Bison, with the match that Michael Oliver had, he may well have called it as a fouled. 

Now that's over, we shall never speak of Essien's performance against Southampton again. Ever. 

West Ham vs Chelsea: Hammers 0-2 Frank Lampard (& Oscar 1)

Jose: Forever Bursting Bubbles

For all the hype surrounding the 'friendly derby', the fact that Chelsea were away to West Ham seemed to fly under the radar. A completely sensible idea to have these supporters spend most of the day drinking before hitting up Upton Park … In no way was anyone more riled up from half the District Line being shut down causing absolute havoc for just about anyone trying to get to the ground.

Norwich vs Chelsea: Carrow Road provides three points and Delia-cious pie

Mourinho not loving what he smells in Norwich

Three games. Three managers. Three wins. Hello nurs… Norwich.

It doesn’t seem to matter the manager, Chelsea have managed a win over Norwich just about every time they face the Canaries. And with the ‘crisis’ ever lurking in the papers, they couldn’t have faced them at a better time.

Chelsea vs Fulham: John Obi Mikel - Goal Machine

185 Games in the Making

It doesn’t get much more exciting than derby day does it? Well, unless of course your derby is with Putney based upstarts – Fulham. With their performances such as they are, and their massive support making it the whole 2 miles up the road, it wasn’t going to really be classic derby atmosphere.  But this match took it to a new level without even a card being issued over the course of 90 minutes.

Basel Faulty: Does Chelsea's Loss to Basel Mata?

Schar enjoying Van Ginkel more than the goal #awkward

As I attempted to press on triumphantly throughout the day, my performance suffered and I became increasingly less effective at the office. Eventually I succumbed to the forsaken -- man flu! After watching Chelsea’s performance tonight, it’s evident I wasn’t the only one struck down by this horrible disease!

Not to diminish the performance of Basel in any way as they looked the more threatening of the two in the first half. It was lucky that Chelsea took the lead at the half. Salah constantly tested Chelsea’s defence. Although at times this evening, even bed ridden, I may have been able to challenge Chelsea’s defence. It takes something pretty special for a goal to be the fault of three players.

Chelsea v Hull City (Tigers): Welcome Back, Welcome Back, Welcome Back

Blowing Kisses. Proper Football.

The eagerly anticipated Mourinho 2.0 era has kicked off. Days before kick-off, supporters were wondering who would be given the gift of sharing the adulation that would be ringing out through the stands. Were they worried someone would miss out who deserved a start? Thinking had Lukaku done enough in pre-season to impress Jose? Or were they just sorting out their fantasy teams because Chelsea play twice this week?*

Chelsea's April Fool Manages To Put United Out of Another Cup

May As Well Have Been In Qatar for this One too

In true holiday spirit, Rafa Benitez tried to resurrect the possibility of anyone considering him a viable option at their club next season by putting all his eggs into one giant Budweiser sponsored FA Cup shaped basket. He made this abundantly clear in the lineup selected for Chelsea’s league match against Southampton. He wants a trophy to attempt to continue the mystique of his insightful tactics. But maybe even more than advancing further in the Cup, Benitez was trying to get one over on his favourite frenemy ‘the manager of Manchester United.’ Chelsea managed to put United out of one cup this season - will it be two? And is that more important to Benitez than winning any himself?

Rafa Benitez: Mad Rant or Clever PR Strategy

It's not me, it's them.

It has to be said that whether you support Chelsea or not, last night’s rant on 5Live made for seriously entertaining listening - a rarity on that program. But as a match with West Brom looms large, Rafa Benitez reached a breaking point. Losses to West Brom became the moment of truth for both Villas-Boas and Di Matteo. So would be a fitting end to Benitez' reign of apathy. Rafa has been not stranger to a good rant in the past, so it shouldn’t have surprised many that he had another one brewing just under the surface.

Before the man himself kicked off last night, there's been a lot said and written about the treatment of this poor millionaire by the people who pay to see the fruits of his labours. A lot of those seem to think the unrest should not be directed at this man, who again receives a very heft pay cheque, but to the man that hired him. How dare Chelsea supporters not turn on a man who has spent billions of his own money to improve the club and the academy. Ingrates really. The cash influx is not the only reason that Chelsea supporters have not turned on Abramovich. 

Supporters would definitely like a decent manager to stay longer than it takes for a spot to clear up, but it's not the current culture ... mostly because of the success the turnover has seen. Each interim manager has been progressively more successful with last year's model winning both the FA Cup and that big shiny trophy. Those with any sense know that no matter how cringey the decision is (the sackings of Mourinho, Ancelotti and RDM to name but a few), he's not doing it with a disregard for the club or its supporters - he is trying to do what's best, even if that best is misguided by the clowns on Chelsea's board. The appointment of Benitez was arguably one of the worst decisions that has been made. But it wasn't a move out of spite - it was one to try and get a certain be-freckled striker, well, striking again. And we all know how well that's worked out for them.

Kicking Off the Europa League and Not In Style

Hazard: will not be judged for wearing gloves

The final sixteen would look a lot different in the very much respected somewhat revered Europa League if it weren't for a left footed shot in the dying seconds from a Belgian. Not one, but two of England's four clubs would have found themselves more than a little embarrassed at their progress towards European glory the Europa League tin cup.

Champions League: The Honeymoon is Over

Oh Champions League,

This is awkward. Our honeymoon period has been shorter than Britney and K-Fed’s marriage. Is it because I even know who Britney and K-Fed are? And technically, technically Champions League we’re still together. Until May! I’ve now had to update our status on Facebook to ‘It’s Complicated’. After such a long courtship (and the breakups), I thought surely you’d want us to stay together for more than the year.

Admittedly, I’ve let myself go a bit. Putting on a few extra pounds. Not fitting into the tight little black number that I used to. It’s not my fault that Dolce and Gabanna refuse to re-tailor it. And sure, I clearly made a muck of my wrongly coloured accessories. But somewhere deep down, I really thought that tie would draw your attention to what was on the pitch.

Look how happy we were together

But that’s all now. You really bailed on me long before that happened. In fact, I actually blame you for the current state of affairs. That’s right. This is your fault. I mean, I tried Champions League. Oh yes, I tried!! 

Munich was amazing. Best day of my life - and probably will be for some time to come. I thought I could keep the momentum going. People were in your ear that you were crazy to get together with me, that I was getting a bit rough around the edges - but you ignored them. But I thought I’d keep you happy and get a little nip and tuck. And what better way to keep the notion of temptation than to use The Garden of Eden (Hazard) as inspiration. And of course keep things really fresh with a brand new Brazilian. How could you resist?

But resist you did Champions League.