Man United 0-0 Chelsea: The one where no one wanted to make a mistake

Like a city bus, you wait your managerial career for a goalless draw to come along and get two in less than a week. You are welcome neutrals. The Premier League had become a little too fun this season with mad results and goals galore. It's important to have balance -- something Chelsea could do with a little more of at the moment.

While loathe to ever agree with the musings of a mad man, Patrice Evra did make a solid point when he went to war with Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink following Man United's stalemate with Chelsea. Both teams were playing from a position of fear. Neither side were willing to open themselves up in case they found their defence under siege.

Chelsea 0-2 Man United: The one where VAR lost the plot

VAR: Not a red...

Manchester United managed their first league double over Chelsea since 1988. And the first time they've managed it without conceding since 1965. None of those formidable Sir Alex Ferguson sides managed it. But here we are.

It was another frustrating night out at Stamford Bridge. And not the ideal preparation for a now very much in-form Bayern Munich side. Olivier Giroud once again overlooked for a starting place while Kepa still bizarrely remains on the sidelines.

Chelsea vs Manchester United: The One That Was Harder, Faster, Stronger, Kante

Azpilicueta & one of the Kanté twins

On the back of last season you would be loathe to believe it, but Monday night proved that Jose Mourinho can in fact inspire an outstanding performance from Eden Hazard. Chelsea’s mercurial Belgian looked unplayable at times throughout the game. The times where he was on his feet and not having the living daylights kicked out of him of course.

Chelsea vs Manchester United: The One That Even Kante Scored

'Hello pot, this is the kettle. You're black'

The awkward moment when you’re forced to come face to face with an ex. Try as you might to pretend that they cease to exist in the universe - surely I’m not the only one - they do. They’re out there. Oh, and they’re with someone else and there’s not a single thing you can do about it. Words get said. You overanalyse them. They take on a life of their own. And by the time you are unwillingly dragged into this unwanted encounter by that bastard fate you have to force yourself to man up. Inevitably there is a winner and loser in these relationships - and Chelsea very much found themselves the former.

Chelsea vs Manchester United: The One with a Last Minute Equaliser (again)

Queing for Mata hugs - who could blame them?

It’s possible that Chelsea’s beloved Guus Hiddink could be using the team to bolster his CV after his failed stints as the Netherlands and Turkey’s head coach. He’s once again swanned in and taken a losing side to an unbeaten side. Opting for DM squared week in and week out, Hiddink is setting up the team to not lose. And while it’s 'worked' insofar as he can say Chelsea remain unbeaten under him, they haven’t really progressed, have they?

When Hiddink took over from Steve Holland JoMo 2.0, Chelsea sat 15th in the Premier League. Overseeing an unbeaten run of SEVEN matches, Hiddink’s side have reached the lofty heights of … wait for it …. wait ….. 13th. Seven matches without a loss and Chelsea have moved up 2 places on the league table. While the teams just ahead of the Blues have done their part to help the cause — Crystal Palace winning themselves 1 whole point this calendar year - Chelsea still have not had a look in at the top 10.

Manchester United vs Chelsea: The One With a Silly Guus

Kurt smash

When Chelsea, in all their infinite wisdom, let Jose Mourinho go, did they also decide to consciously uncouple with their opposition scout — or all common sense? I appreciate that some of the Bank Holiday squad was dictated by suspensions and illness, but that’s no excuse to start Nemanja Matic and John Obi Mikel together. Ever.

This is not in anyway a criticism of either player - they do a fine job. But -- the same job. And maybe this could have been a keen idea deployed against a formidable attacking side like Leicester or Manchester City, but it was complete overkill when facing a team who’d managed to score 2 whole goals in their last 4 games. 2 goals. In 360 minutes. In fact, with the number of times they’ve failed to score in a match this season, Hiddink could have showed some real cojones and done away with a holding midfielder altogether.

Chelsea vs United: The One that Juan Returned (but left without a point)

Reunited & It Feels So Good

Chelsea versus Manchester United is never a match without some dramatic talking points — but they aren’t always the ones that happen on the pitch. Just today (two days after the match for those of you reading this in the future —hi mum!) there was some concern that all Mourinho’s careful foil-Fellaini planning would have to be scrapped just before the match.

Mourinho had spent the better part of last week training his side to deal with United’s unexpected target man — apparently using Ruben Loftus-Cheek as a stand in. However, a doorman had thought he’d seen Fellaini arrive on match day and promptly told Mourinho he wouldn’t be playing. JM had the good sense to suss out that it was actually Fellaini's brother, once again highlighting his next-level genius. Who would ever suspect that there is another person in the world who thinks that a unibrow and fuzzy hair is a style to aim for?! Only Jose sussed out that there could be two.

Chelsea's Deal with the Devil for Juan Mata

Loved by fans

Chelsea player of the year 2011/12. Chelsea player of the year 2012/13. FA Cup winner. Champions League winner. Thursday Night Cup winner. World Cup winner. Euro 2012 winner.

There is no question that in August of 2011, Chelsea inherited an absolutely exceptional talent in Juan Mata. And by inherited spent maybe the best £24M they've ever spent. And I consider myself lucky for having had the privilege of watching him in person every week. Not in an every breath you take, every move you make sort of way -- I mean at the games!

Chelsea vs Manchester United: Round 2

"Sure you'll score 3 vs United today. I believe you"

Note: any delays in the production of this match report have been in whole part due to the 'writer' having a sad about the possible exit of London fanboy, Juan Mata. Although not fully recovered from aforementioned sad, it would have been remiss of said 'writer' to not report on the joy that preceded the moody strop to which she has descended.

Although it may be Manchester United who get the last (beautifully bearded) laugh this week, it was Chelsea who took all three points this weekend. In no small way did this make the task for David Moyes a bigger challenge than it was to offload Anderson. And somehow, somehow he pulled that off. More impressive than the move was Anderson not breaking any aircraft weight allowances to get make it to Fiorentina.

Manchester United vs Chelsea: No Suprise as No Strikers Mean No Goals

Moyes Tip 127: How to Prevent a Poke in the Eye

It's a good thing no one hyped this match up to be a fantastic battle or there could be a few disappointed souls on Tuesday morning. It's not like Sky ran endless promos or anything ...

Manchester United versus Chelsea. After no less than five meetings  between  the two last season, it became evident that despite the new men in each dugout -- these players may just know each other a little too well. Tactics by and large cancelling each other out.

Manchester United v Chelsea: The Chelsea Smile Returns

This man is incapable of not laughing

Chelsea faced Manchester United for the FIFTH time this season. FIFTH. It was like Benitez’ dream come true. In part as it’s a team that the interim one can beat winning the last four of five League meetings with United. Unlike Reading where he’s won one of his last five in all competitions with the Championship incumbents.

With United already securing the title and failing to be able to match Mourinho’s points record, United were left with nothing to play for except pride. And Ferguson’s lineup pretty much said as much. As the lineups were released, North London wondered what they’d ever done to SAF to warrant such a lineup. I hate to be the one to break it to North London, but I’m afraid it’s not all about you. Ferguson is far too self involved for such matters and his only concern is ensuring his onlookers play enough games to get themselves a medal too.

Chelsea's April Fool Manages To Put United Out of Another Cup

May As Well Have Been In Qatar for this One too

In true holiday spirit, Rafa Benitez tried to resurrect the possibility of anyone considering him a viable option at their club next season by putting all his eggs into one giant Budweiser sponsored FA Cup shaped basket. He made this abundantly clear in the lineup selected for Chelsea’s league match against Southampton. He wants a trophy to attempt to continue the mystique of his insightful tactics. But maybe even more than advancing further in the Cup, Benitez was trying to get one over on his favourite frenemy ‘the manager of Manchester United.’ Chelsea managed to put United out of one cup this season - will it be two? And is that more important to Benitez than winning any himself?

Third Round of the FA Cup ... Before all the Replays Arsenal and United

When Frank went up to lift the FA Cup...
Sign him up!!

Magic of the cup... cupset ... er, insert generic footballing cliche here. Thought I’d get them all out of the way before I bang on about some of the high and lowlights from the latest edition of Budweiser’s Third Round of the FA Cup. Other poor American lagers are available. The highs, the lows, the hands .... We had it all.

Southampton v Chelsea

Chelsea scored 5 goals, 2 from the new boy in town. Sound familiar? It’s all so 2010. Demba Ba has taken his role as Sturridge’s replacement very seriously and began his Chelsea career in the exact same manner. Chelsea supporters of course will be hoping that he plays a bit better with others and learns the fine art of passing as well as poaching.

Chelsea v United: Almost Let a Good Game of Football Ruin Headlines

Does this look like the face of someone who would
say offensive things to players?

We were 90 minutes away from getting through the weekend where the papers on Monday would be littered with *gasp* discussion of actual football. Except of course from Norwich’s turgid affair with Aston Villa where there was 90 minutes of wishing something - anything - would happen. In fact - I could go so far as to say we were 45 minutes away from it. Even Rio Ferdinand helped the cause (and you know he loves a cause) ahead of kick off by doing the unthinkable - behaving like a grown up and shaking Ashley Cole’s hand.

Where did it all go wrong?

Crimes and Misdemeanours: The FA's (In)Activity

Twitter isn't the only thing bringing the ENTIRE GAME
into disrepute.

After #BUNCHOFTWATS-gate broke last week it was inevitable that everyone’s favourite diminutive panto-villain would end up being charged by both club and country. Although there are many at Chelsea who no doubt agree with Ashley Cole’s sentiment, the overriding consensus was that it was not the preferred execution of such a statement and broke the club’s social networking policy.

Chelsea took away Cole’s car keys before telling him he’d be without two week’s salary for interrupting Roberto Di Matteo’s presser. When you consider the incident in isolation the punishment seems reasonable enough…but what about when you consider it alongside other punishments? For Chelsea – an irresponsible tweet equals £240K – only £10K less than if Cole had did something as drastic as shooting a work experience student. I mean interns are easily replaced, but still…

The FA followed Chelsea’s lead, as the #BUNCHOFTWATS charged Ashley Cole with ‘bringing the entire game into disrepute’. THE ENTIRE GAME! Who knew you could master that in 140 characters with some questionable grammar? Despite the accuracy of Cole’s statement-and it arguably being one of the nicer things uttered about the ever-competent FA-it’s not something you can really say about your employer and not have them respond. And their timing could not be better.

Handshakes, Gladrags and .. Batman - This Weekend in Football

The fallout from handshake gate continues ... or does it?

I can't say I was particularly looking forward to Chelsea's trip to Arsenal. Not for any concern of the result - but more for the possibility of a very flat match for my £62.

Last year the same fixture saw one of the dullest games I can recall and with both clubs coming out of Capital One cup matches and looking ahead to Champions League - this all had the stink of a gutless nil-nil game. I couldn't have had it more wrong. It's predictions like head that make my fantasy football team a dire failure year to year.

Chelsea Back to Winning Ways - in the League!

Transformers: Robots in Disguise

Goodbye weekends, hello football. The thief of any semblance of spare time or money has come back and robbed me. And by robbed me, given me some purpose as I leave my pub stool and lager for, well, a seat inside the ground and lager.* And it certainly didn’t fail to disappoint. Unless of course you are fans of QPR, Norwich, or Liverpool. Those three matches saw thirteen, THIRTEEN! goals from Swansea, Fulham, and West Brom. 

As shocking as that is, it gets even more dramatic. Steve Clarke somehow made an actual striker out of aimlessly large Romelu Lukaku. Not only did he score, but he caused trouble - and not just from standing around and being in the way. Too early to consider him for a position on my fantasy team? Or am I really trying to get you to put him in your fantasy league so I’ll win. Or am I writing this at a pub right now, and have lost all sense of what I’m actually saying? That’s SAF levels of mind games right there.

And in news, that's not really news at all from the Liverpool match. Joe Cole featured for 10 minutes before his hamstring gave up on him. Joe, go back to France. Your hamstring can thank me later.

Of course they weren’t the only ones in action, as friendly neighbours Tottenham and Arsenal were both in action. Not with each other... but you knew that already. AVB has started his campaign by sanctioning one of the few top players that he has which of course resulted him starting life in charge of Sp*rs with a 2-1 defeat at Newcastle. However, to no stranger to impressing supporters of the club he’s in charge of, AVB is weighing up Meireles and Chamakh! No really. It’s a subtle way of winning the Chelsea faithful back, showing them he really does have a sense of humour.

Handbags & Gladrags: The Final Day of the Season

"LOOK AT ME" "NO, YOU LOOK AT ME"

Although the dailies have a tendency to embellish facts completely blow things out of proportion to sell papers build matches up to often disappointing results, this weekend did not let most down - unless you were a Chelsea / Blackburn / Everton / Liverpool... OK, there were in fact a lot of matches that at the end of the day, did nowt to the table. So opening with the highs and lows at Stamford Bridge this past weekend would amount to wondering what Lukaku’s actual age is purpose is parents actually fed him and is Cech’s son too young to fill in for Turnbull. The only regrets any Cheslea supporter could have after this weekend was that David Brent’s Steve Kean’s video did not surface twenty four hours earlier.

One of the greatest things to happen in a match has to be when a large number of supporters and players feel that they have scored a goal, run off to celebrate it, only to find out later it was denied. *cough* Andy Carroll *cough* ... The disappointed grumblings and sad little faces is amazing -- unless it’s my sad little face, in which case there is absolutely nothing funny about that. So, to my sheer sadistic delight, how great was it to have Manchester United supporters thinking they won the league six weeks ago and finding out two minutes later, that their ‘noisy neighbours’ had done the ‘impossible’ and won it. Scenes. This moment may top Nani’s tears when he failed the BGT audition as a Michael Jackson impersonator met Jamie Carragher’s boot.

Barcelona: I Had This Perfect Dream...

The look of a man that knows - Terry
is with his bird. aka Bridgeface

Dear Champions League,

It’s been quite a year for the two of us since this:

http://cfc-jb.blogspot.co.uk/2011/04/que-sera-sera.html

Your words seemed hollow when I consider the history we’ve had together, but I have to say, you’ve really worked hard to win me over - despite a few bumps along the way. 

As always, you tried to woo me back in the heat of the summer by putting Chelsea into a group that seems fairly manageable. But by handing over groups to Manchester United and Barcelona that even an MLS team could beat was not really the way to go about winning me over. Realising your error in judgement, you really pulled one out. Unceremoniously passing on all of those minxes Manchester to your little brother - Europa League - was inspired.

Although, if we’re really thinking about doing this, I should mention that Europa League has been flirting with me pretty heavily. Not only did EL immediately also get rid of Manchester, and well, everyone else in England, but has also been flaunting the exotic locations that could be in my very near future. And not that I’m saying you should take a long hard look at yourself - but he doesn’t come as a package deal with ITV. Just a thought. 

In recent years, I may have let myself go a little, started to get a little complacent about my appearance and made some changes - just for you - despite my better judgement. I added some serious volume to my hair, some glorious highlights and worked some Dolce and Gabanna on the touchline like nobody’s business. But you threw it all back in my face in Italy. And it is this very behaviour that makes me distrust you. Lessoning the pain by embarrassing those tarts in North London was your only saving grace. But instead of looking at you - I looked within and changed again. For you. Why? Because I want a big f*ck off shiny trophy!! Sometimes I’m not sure...

Fight the Power: Don Fabio Stands By His Man

Smoking a pipe (not a euphemism) and reading 

us all tales from Masterpiece theatre

Breaking News: Sir Howard of Webb has a shocker and it favours Manchester United. In other news, the sky is blue, the grass is green, and I may or may not be recovering from some sort of hangover.*

Doing the dignified thing and waiting until emotions were not running high, and I could again form a comprehensive sentence has caused somewhat of a delay in getting this published, but no matter. The kinetic forces of Jose Bosingwa and Howard Webb being on the pitch at the very same time ensured that Chelsea were never getting out of this fixture with a clean sheet. I’m sure a snowflake just got in Webb’s eye and he missed Danny Welbeck having a look down at Ivanovic’s foot before having a leap over it in a worse acting performance than even the last Underworld film brought into the world.

Before getting all riled up again, let’s all just sit back and remember *that* goal from our teeny tiny Spaniard. Yes, I even mean you United fans who continue to put yourself through reading this.... You’re all going to need this happy memory as it all gets a bit tetchy from here.

I’m not one to ever have a go at the press here or anywhere else, but the sensationalising / PC bollocks needs to stop. The booing at the end of the match was not booing the club, the players, the manager or anyone else except the spectacular performance of that bald headed ‘completely unbiased’ twat referee Tom Henning Overbo Howard Webb. But the commentary on the rest of the booing is the one far more concerning. Chelsea supporters booed Rio Ferdinand. So? How is this even a story? First, if this was about the race accusations, surely, it would have made far more sense to boo Anton last week at Loftus Road rather than save it for his brother. That aside, Rio’s a gobby c*&t who plays for a rival club (AND formerly of Leeds and West Ham fame!) who’s been disruptive and had negative things to say about the club’s captain? Black or white, that player is going to get booed. If there are going to be stories like this, why not take it a step further can complain of the xenophobia shown towards the sheep shaggers Welsh players like Bellamy or the booing Scholes got for also being a ginger twat gobby...OK, I’ll stop there. Ferdinand has been booed before and he’ll be booed again.

It’s not getting any prettier from here. There’s a elephant on your screen (and yes, *that* picture at the top DOES count). But it’s the reason for the booing, it’s the reason that JT was sat next to Ramires and hugging him on camera** John Terry seems to be having some sort of never ending Groundhog Day that we are all being subjected to. Last week a player was not going to shake his hand. This week he’s been stripped of the England Captaincy. It’s all SO very two years ago. I had a lot to say about it then and am tempted to just cut and paste my views from then. Although much of my vitriol was directed at Capello for being a puppet and caving to FA pressure for something he clearly did not want to do. So, because he’s finally found his own cojones I have to actually write something new.

I realise the FA has always rather someone else hold the captaincy whether it be someone who fails drugs tests, someone who shags granny prostitutes and their own English Rose, someone who assaults DJs on camera and has simply abysmal taste in music. I can see how NONE of these men would be a mar on England’s international reputation. Since they were so keen to see one of these men with the armband they should have leapt at the opportunity to strip JT of it four months ago. However, they have now waited until court dates have been set, ones that everyone knew would be delayed until the summer, and opted not only to strip him of captaincy but ensure no due process by laying down their own verdict. The FA in their continuing ineptitude have ensured that John Terry cannot have a fair trial as no juror in the country will have not heard and be prejudiced by their assessment of the situation. These are no longer “footballing reasons” (I’m looking at you Mr. Holt), these are issues which could impact the future life and career of a man. I’m sure a value held dear in this country is one of a man to be presumed innocent until proven guilty. Well done The FA you utter twunts.

Of course flicking the vee’s at them, outside of Stamford Bridge is of course Fabio Capello who not only believes in this principle, checked his own contract to see if he could over rule them. Failing that he’s taken to the press to let everyone know, armband or not, Terry is still his captain. Take that next one who has to actually wear the armband. Lucky for everyone Ferdinand graciously bowed out, in no way looking like a complete and presumptuous ass. As many of you other twitterites have, I too have ruled myself out as next England captain. I had as much chance of Ferdinand, and now knowing that Terry is Fabio’s one true captain, it just didn’t feel like the right time to take the armband. Instead I’ve opted to watch the game Michael Owen style - from my sofa.***

And if you’re still reading and want to think about something other than Chelsea, Manchester United, England, racism, well, you’re almost in luck. Luis Suarez returned to Liverpool’s lineup last night. For those of us who just could not be bothered with 3D, we got to hear him portrayed as some sort of returning hero as he nearly scored and it could have been a ‘fairy tale’ return. I’ve read a lot of fairytales in my day and at no point does any prince sit out of a quest as punishment for an accusation of racism. For those of you lucky enough to look like a twat in glasses while watching the game, the more accurate discussion of marred reputations was given. That of course is a sidebar to the actual contribution that was Suarez’ which was kicking Scotty ‘next captain of England’ Parker in the stomach in an attempt to prove he’s not racist, he’s just a dirty c%&t. But with that fixture as it was, the only thing that anyone will take away from it was the best player on the pitch all night was the cat who mugged off Sp*rs entire defence, showing Andy Carroll just how it’s done.

And in the imminent words of Chuck D and Flavor Flav ‘our freedom of speech is freedom or death’

Peace out

jb xx

* Howard Webb can safely be blamed for that one too.

** From the Sepp Blatter Handbook of ‘How to Not Look Racist’

*** Pub.