Barcelona 1-2 Chelsea: The one that saw Frank Lampard lift his first trophy

The big one... all hail the Rakuten Cup

One month into his new role and Frank Lampard has led Chelsea to the dizzying heights of Rakuten Cup champions. A completely meaningful trophy that shall no doubt be revered for some time to come. Insert terrible overplayed jokes about it being more trophies than Mauricio Pochettino, Ole Gunnar Solskjaer, etc and so on. Still no idea why actual trophies are given out in these pre-season friendlies. It’s odd. So nevermind that, Chelsea only went and did a win against fierce rivals Barcelona.

Chelsea's Managerial Merry-Go-Round: And Another One Di Matteo Bites the Dust

Photo: Six months ago. Today: .... sacked.

The only thing that shocked me about RDM’s abrupt dismissal is that it did in fact catch me by surprise. On many levels, and by many, I do mean all here - there was no way that Di Matteo was ever going to remain a permanent fixture at Stamford Bridge. Not that he’s not deserving of his time to shine, but it’s just not how the club is going to operate under Roman Abramovich. We all learned it as quickly as it took Roman to say Ranieri’s name.

And if I’m being honest, I had my own questions about the tactical nous that Di Matteo possessed for the long term success of the club. There’s a bit of guess work and a lot of luck certainly helped Chelsea achieve the heights that they did under the club legend. Maybe I didn’t want to get too attached to him in the role to avoid the shock of this morning’s chop. 

That being said, and despite my own hesitations, I was fully behind Di Matteo and think that a big f*ck off shiny European trophy with bonus FA Cup success should be more than enough to keep the man until the end of his contract. It wasn’t a ridiculous Pardew sized contract - but a short and sweet one to give a little stability to a club very clearly in transition. 

Barcelona: I Had This Perfect Dream...

The look of a man that knows - Terry
is with his bird. aka Bridgeface

Dear Champions League,

It’s been quite a year for the two of us since this:

http://cfc-jb.blogspot.co.uk/2011/04/que-sera-sera.html

Your words seemed hollow when I consider the history we’ve had together, but I have to say, you’ve really worked hard to win me over - despite a few bumps along the way. 

As always, you tried to woo me back in the heat of the summer by putting Chelsea into a group that seems fairly manageable. But by handing over groups to Manchester United and Barcelona that even an MLS team could beat was not really the way to go about winning me over. Realising your error in judgement, you really pulled one out. Unceremoniously passing on all of those minxes Manchester to your little brother - Europa League - was inspired.

Although, if we’re really thinking about doing this, I should mention that Europa League has been flirting with me pretty heavily. Not only did EL immediately also get rid of Manchester, and well, everyone else in England, but has also been flaunting the exotic locations that could be in my very near future. And not that I’m saying you should take a long hard look at yourself - but he doesn’t come as a package deal with ITV. Just a thought. 

In recent years, I may have let myself go a little, started to get a little complacent about my appearance and made some changes - just for you - despite my better judgement. I added some serious volume to my hair, some glorious highlights and worked some Dolce and Gabanna on the touchline like nobody’s business. But you threw it all back in my face in Italy. And it is this very behaviour that makes me distrust you. Lessoning the pain by embarrassing those tarts in North London was your only saving grace. But instead of looking at you - I looked within and changed again. For you. Why? Because I want a big f*ck off shiny trophy!! Sometimes I’m not sure...

In and Out: The Power of a Semi

Step 1: Celebrate Step 2: Never Look Back

Today’s blog will be brought to you by the letter’s G and T. Captain Morgan sends his regards and apologies for being the main culprit in the tardiness, and in effect, irrelevance of some of the following comments. With buildup like that, how could you not read on?

FA Cup Semis

I would discuss Saturday’s match, but with its insistence upon itself and the date to which it is played, I will bypass it. That, and I neglected to watch the match.

On to the London Derby! Or as I like to call it, El Clasico: London Edition if you will. After a great deal of build up and questions as to whether this set of supporters could remain well behaved after drinking for several hours before heading into Wembley, they seemed to manage. This of course is a broad definition of what one considers good behaviour. There was of course the little matter of the moment of silence - or the moment when Chelsea supporters decided they would ensure the FA would actually hear them. Thankfully, quick thinking television directors thought it would in no way seem suspect to cut away from the stadium to a moody shot of a candle flame. Thankfully, the gem that is YouTube has provided an excellent alternative to viewing the rumblings of thousands and thousands of supporters a ‘handful’ of fans.

And of course, if that wasn’t fun enough, there was of course *that* ‘goal’. Let’s all just pause for a moment and all laugh at Sp*rs. You know you want to. Go on....

Sure, in no way, shape, or form did that ball even touch the line, unless of course that line is John Terry’s arse (more on that to come...). However, what everyone has learned from this is, if you immediately celebrate a goal, it’s a sure way to convince the referee that it is in fact a goal. But can anyone really blame Martin Atkinson? (Spurs fans don’t count - ever). After seeing the joy on little Juan Mata’s face, it’d be impossible to rule his goal out. His little face was lit up, and left Atkinson with no choice. If he taken that away from Mata, it would have been like kicking a puppy.

John Terry’s Defensive Duties

Dear John Terry,

I know you’re all about proving yourself. But it is not YOUR job to defend everyone’s goal. Only Chelsea’s. I know it becomes confusing when you see Cudicini and Gallas, I accept that. But no more. You only have to defend the man in the little hat. That is not a euphemism.

Sincerely,

jb xx

Chelsea v Barca

According to just about everything written in the buildup to this match, Barcelona and their beautiful football should not have had to lower themselves to actually playing this match as they’d already won it, and it was beautiful. Tears were shed. Take a moment here to feel the emotional gravity of the beauty in their beautiful game with their pint size Jesus. Go on. Maybe it would help if I cut to a moody candle? No?

Outraging the press everywhere, Chelsea had the audacity to not allow free flowing attacking football to overpower them. How dare they? I hope that Chelsea are taking a long hard look at themselves right now. The cheek of Ashley Cole actually trying a little back heel pass of his own, and then tracking back to clear a goal of the line. What an absolutely terrible human being. And in other players beating Barcelona at their own game, Drogba utilizing his comedic timing to do his best imitation of most of La Liga - the horror. The irony of Barcelona making complaints about the injustice of it all was arguably one of the best things that has ever happened in the history of time.

What can one take away from all of this?

In football, just like in life, all that matters is if you get it in.

(or not in the case of Mata - but that would just have trampled my own point)

jb xx

English Team in Fifth gets a semi... I mean to the semis

Channelling Roberto Mancini if he *really* let himself go.
Jesus was just the right amount of angry last night.

Controversy. Negative comments stemming from ‘jealousy’. Less attractive than one would like to think. That’s right, Chelsea woke up this morning and realised they were Samantha Brick. The horror!  The shame! The extraneous exclamation points!

But what we have all learned from watching Carlos Tevez is, you don’t have to be attractive to play effective football. Chelsea were more stretched than my ex’s waistband over the holidays last night, but did what they had to do. 

Sure, ‘Barcelona won’t be quaking in their boots’*, but if Chelsea had managed to put five or six past ten-man Benfica, would they have been then? No. I’m not even going to allow you to entertain that idea. Barcelona have great players, a great manager, and as 2009 proved, a great referee. But with all the warm and fuzzies down at Cobham now, you never know what this team could pull out. As long as still has a match in them like last night at City against Sp*rs their FA cup tie against Leicester. That’s right, I will take my face Barca like Leicester and run with it.

However, over the next fortnight there’s an FA Cup tie and a few pesky league matches for Chelsea to contend with. The good news for Chelsea is, their next two are against Wigan and Fulham. The bad news is Chelsea’s league form. I’ll put it kindly and say it’s questionable, at best. Their performance at Villa Park was enough that a single goal inspired a mini pitch invasion. Luckily Jacob Mellis distracted Villa’s players the best way he knows how.... Good luck to him when he tries those grenades out on Joseph Barton.

And for those of you worried about John Terry’s trouble breathing... initial reports that it was possibly cracked ribs. But reports today have reliably informed me that he had merely read Samantha Brick’s article and laughed himself to a slight sprain. Sources close to the player reveal that even he “would not tap that.”

I was going to use this space to discuss all the other English teams involved in Europe....

....

Done.

And for those of you still muttering about a tiny Argentinian - abuse the wifi at your office to take a look at this goal:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0iJMkFfi4RE

jb xx

*I cannot believe how many times I have read that in the last 24 hours. I don’t think this multiple vision is due to any form of gin.**

**It really isn’t. 

Bonus: Because you know you want to read camp song lyrics..

Barcelona! Such a beautiful horizon
Barcelona! Like a jewel in the sun
Por ti sere gaviota de tu bella mar

Barclays Asian Trophy Glory!

Suffering the fate of those Robert Green who have let Torres
score...Shay Given has been given a timeout to think about
what he has done.

OK, maybe the headline was overstating my enthusiasm a smidge, but let's be honest, it is always fun to win. Although not important to the season itself, confidence is, and that's just what we were missing for large portions of last season - players and supporters alike. You know who you are.

Of course, the biggest news of the game was Frank Lampard being named the player of the tournament!!! OK, maybe that was the biggest news for me. But for someone who was written off by far too many, it was a brilliant source of personal smugness fantastic reminder that he still has a lot to offer on and off the pitch.

*time out for me to drink gin make my smug face fully consider the implications of pre-season*

Of course what grabbed headlines was the "great" goal by Fernando Torres. In no way am I dismissing it with my cheeky little quotes. But I would say it was a goal, and it was great to see Fernando smile score. However a little disconcerting his pavlovian like ability to score against claret and blue. With his only other goal against West Ham, its a little worrying that without them or Burnley in the big boy leagues, that only Villa will face his wrath next season. Sure, those of you in a certain mood will be quick to point out to me that he did also manage a goal against Wycombe, but ponder this - if a striker scores and no one sees it, does it make a sound in the forest?

Exactly.

Either way, Fernando will have a long way to go if he wants to come close to our real pre-season hero Own Goal. Since his departure from Manchester United, and arrival for our Asian Tour, Own Goal has only failed to score in our final match. Is it a matter of not being able to score against English teams, or is Own Goal unable to play with Fernando Torres. Only the coming weeks will tell. Still for the price of Joey Barton, Own Goal has been a delightful addition.

And for those of you who haven't seen it, the other highlights would of course being little Josh getting his first big boy goal and generally being awesome in the midfield. And of course, as we took this ever so seriously, the team abandoning JT as he went to lift the trophy for photos. Excellent prank / team work there lads.

For those of you who enjoyed the adventures of David Cameroon - a few of the other Chelsea players have been doing double duty. After their corner flag teaser, FloMo and Didi managed to recruit Petr Cech and Paulo Ferreira for their band. It does appear that Cech, not surprisingly, is actually the musician while the rest of the lads were his backup rhythm section. Didier of course being the machine that he is by doing double duty of rhythm AND operated camera as David Cameroon could not be there. Interested? In their summers off, they can be contacted for weddings and other events.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mu5TTtu17D0

In other comedic pre-season matches Manchester United found out they could beat Barcelona if they were missing most of their starting lineup and it didn't matter. Of course, by the way it was celebrated, I'm pretty sure this is the big goal that Michael Owen has been tediously promising. Well done Mikey, you managed to get off the bench and earn that pre-season medal.

But the biggest pre-season news, and trophy as it always is amongst my Gooner mates is the oft mentioned Emirates Cup. Ah yes. The gifted trophy from their sponsors. It was good of the Emirates to build them a stadium and then have a tournament all their own to win. But it appears that this season, someone failed to follow the script. Surely they couldn't lose their own trophy in their own stadium (again). How it was even lost is beyond me. The first half, Arsenal spent so much time in New York's half that Szczesny got out a cuddly toy and had a nap. However, in the second half Arsene Wenger probably should have taken my suggestion to substitute one of his defenders for Gunnersaurus. He remained on the pitch so long before kick off I actually thought he'd made the team sheet.

However, the request to have a member of the opposing team play for a pre-determined amount of time (no matter how short) is almost as laughable as requesting someone who wasn't going to play in a match to lift a trophy that has not yet been won. But I digress. Yes, the opposing player in this instance was Thierry Henry, but Gooners, you need to let it go. He's moved on. He's won the Emirates Cup. It wasn't for you. What you lot need is closure - and to pick easier opposition so you don't lose your own Cup again next season.

And this coming weekend it's actually back to proper football. Not quite the league, but just about. Chelsea will be on a steady diet of Irn Bru all week to prepare themselves for the trip to Ibrox on Saturday and Sunday sees the first of at least Manchester derbies with the Community Shield. Good luck to all the City supporters travelling to London this weekend. Am personally hoping for a little nudge and wink from Balotelli again.*

KTBFFH

jb xx

http://twitter.com/cfc_jb

*and by personally, I didn't mean he nudge nor wink at me.... just Rio.

**by just Rio, I mean that Mario should do those things again to Rio. Rio should do nothing to me or near me - ever. Phew...hope that's cleared up.