Newcastle v Chelsea: The One where Chelsea won at St James Park

St James’ Park has not been a happy hunting ground for Chelsea. In large part due to Jose Mourinho’s shocking record there, but managers that followed in his footsteps seemed to carry on that tradition. But Maurizio Sarri is not a man to follow convention or tradition. Chelsea only did a win at St James’ Park on Sunday afternoon - their first there in SEVEN years.

Chelsea vs Newcastle: The one that made a case for playing Batman

Who's lives in a pineapple under the sea...

After Chelsea took 210 actual minutes to earn themselves a penalty shootout against Championship mid-table stalwarts Norwich City in the Energy Drink Cup, it was really anyone’s guess how they would fare against a Premier League side in the better domestic cup competition. Even if that Premier League side was Newcastle. 

After watching Tottenham struggle against Newport County and Liverpool exit at the hands of Alan Pardew’s side, it was up to Chelsea to keep the FA Cup fun going (not for you neutrals. For me, you heathens). They have very much been their own worst enemy this season. But there was reason to be positive before the game.

Chelsea vs Newcastle: The one that had Benitez back

When you're facing Eden Hazard in a free role

Rafa Benitez. The name still offers up a visceral reaction — no matter how much I have tried to blank out his brief and boo-y stint at the Bridge. It happened. There’s no denying it. So the next best thing would be to remind him that our relationship, remains a frosty one. Especially as he appears to have completely forgotten how well it went the first time round. 

Hindsight is the egotistical narcissist's best mate. Also works well for Twitter trolls, but that’s a separate matter entirely. For those of you who braved The Hungry One’s pre-match press conference in the build up to his ‘triumphant’ return, you may have noticed some discrepancies in how he remembers his time at Chelsea and how it actually was. 

Aston Villa v Chelsea: Goals, Ghost Goals, Red Cards, Injuries and Number Two Oh Three

Torres and Mata celebrate Lampard's 203rd
Eden Hazard celebrates Torres' bottom

After Chelsea slipped up against Spurs in their Champions League spot playoff of sorts - or a trophy as Arsenal see it - they only had two games left to guarantee their futures. The CL is more than just a jaunt to the continent, but could also be the defining factor in a special return, what players could be in and out over the summer. But it wasn’t like Chelsea were taking on someone they’d knocked in eight against over Christmas ... 

Of course the 66 other games Chelsea have somehow managed to play have begun to take their toll on bodies and minds. It’s the only sensible explanation for Ramires’ ‘performance’ yesterday. Two rash challenges and Lee Mason decided to improve Chelsea’s chances by sending him for an early shower. 

A goal and a man down going into the second half, you’d think Chelsea were facing a team who were in a relegation battle and needed a win to guarantee their safety. And with tactical wizard Bentiez at the helm, what could go wrong? Well, er, nothing this time. Or nothing that he could control anyways. 

Manchester United v Chelsea: The Chelsea Smile Returns

This man is incapable of not laughing

Chelsea faced Manchester United for the FIFTH time this season. FIFTH. It was like Benitez’ dream come true. In part as it’s a team that the interim one can beat winning the last four of five League meetings with United. Unlike Reading where he’s won one of his last five in all competitions with the Championship incumbents.

With United already securing the title and failing to be able to match Mourinho’s points record, United were left with nothing to play for except pride. And Ferguson’s lineup pretty much said as much. As the lineups were released, North London wondered what they’d ever done to SAF to warrant such a lineup. I hate to be the one to break it to North London, but I’m afraid it’s not all about you. Ferguson is far too self involved for such matters and his only concern is ensuring his onlookers play enough games to get themselves a medal too.

Liverpool v Chelsea: Reality Bites

The moment Suarez realises he did
not bite Ivanovic hard enough

How was this weekend’s football ever going to live up to all the excitement of last weekend where a man squared up to a horse, and Aguero played proctologist for a day? Saturday limped through with nothing more than QPR and Reading playing chicken with points, and Arsenal doing what they could to make the race for top four interesting. And then came Sunday ....

Rain soaked and crammed into tiny pubs all around Anfield, Chelsea watched as seven minutes was all it took for Spurs to turn Chelsea's match with Liverpool from probably should win into absolutely have to win. It was about as positive a sign as was a manager being in charge of the club in his former ground hearing what sounded like applause for the first time for him this season. Or was that merely interim applause?

Either way as supporters made their way in they were treated with a lot of pomp and circumstance and a minute’s applause for fear that the ne’re-do-well Chelsea supporters ruin their moment again. A woman who’d spent her life fighting for the justice of her son’s lost life warranted that moment. People who lost their lives while punishing their bodies for the good of a number of charities deserved their moment. Linking the two tragedies was crass, inappropriate at minimum.

The match was always going to be a lively one on and off the pitch. And despite some cynical thoughts that may have transversed by imagination, the lineup wasn’t the Southampton-style horror show I had anticipated. However, with such a delicate constitution and not being cup tied for Thursday, the mask of Torres should have been a spectator for this occasion only. This moment could have tipped the balance just enough to be even more powerful than the influence that masochistic accessory.

Fulham v Chelsea: Who Needs Strikers When You Have Central Defenders

Ryan Bertrand loved David Luiz goal a little
TOO much.

With Chelsea out of the FA Cup, it of course allows the club to focus on the league. A little matter that the interim one may have wanted to think about when they faced Southampton and he put out *that* team. With Arsenal dropping a couple of points the night before, it seemed reasonable to expect a very stale and typical draw at Craven Cottage.

For those of you who’ve only heard of this mythical land that is Craven Cottage, protected by a renowned paedophile popstar Nani lookalike statue of the king of pop, sat sleepily by the river - it’s not the gentile place that you may think. As I happily walked through the park in the sunshine, I had no idea what sinister events would await me. And no, it did not involve the Berba - but I can see where you’d all think that. My bag was searched - standard procedure. And a violent missile was found - what could this be? What would I have brought to a game to show that I’m really up to no good? A bottle of perfume. Yes, that’s right. I was trying to make the world smell a better place. Unfortunately I was paired up with a pikey female steward who tried to keep it for herself. I even said I’d rather not attend so I could have it back. (Clearly a bold faced lie) And she made off with it. Knowing it was far too good for her, her boss intervened and laughed at her thinking I was going to attack Benitez with good scents because we all know he needs some.

City v Chelsea: When Aguero Met Luiz' Buttock

Oh hi David Luiz' bum

With replay after replay, Chelsea somehow found themselves back and Wembley in the FA Cup. Could the magic of the Cup and new Wembley be enough to trump Rafa? Er, no. No it could not. No magic or luck is powerful enough to battle yet another dodgy lineup. The interim one was the first of many a manager to drop both Frank Lampard and John Terry from a semi-final or final since 2006. And we all know how well that worked out for him.

If anyone has any idea what the tactics were to have Chelsea's diminutive midfield pitted against the juggernaut that is Yaya Toure without any girth themselves, I'd love to hear it. Mystifying choice beyond the fact that Lampard played on Thursday. Either way you cut it, you need both an experienced man and sizeable character if you're going to stop Toure.

Chelsea's Loss is Thursday Night Cup's Gain

"Lost. But still winning sums up my career"

This space is usually reserved to question the tactics of the Interim One where he's made some creative decisions with the starting XI and the substitutions ... my god, the substitutions. A line up that features none other than Yossi Benayoun as the answer to the midfield dilemma would normally generate nothing but a lot of moaning. However, this was a team that ensured the tiny dynamic duo of Mata and Hazard could rest. This starting XI's only job was to not lose 2-0. But as they have done for most of the season under the Interim One's guidance, they came near as anyone could to c*cking the whole thing up.

English teams collectively decided that Champions League was overrated and Thursday Night Cup was where it was at. With three teams left to represent the best league in the world* it was all to play for. And two of those three teams certainly did. Chelsea was not one of the two. In fact, Chelsea were the only losing side last night and somehow - and by somehow I mean heading to Moscow with a sizeable lead - are the last man standing left to represent England in Europe for the second season running.

Chelsea v Sunderland: When Football Goes Pinball

"Maybe this jumper was a mistake"

As expected, this was never going to be a very attractive game. And Paolo Di Canio ensured that with that dodgy vest he opted to sport for his Sunderland debut. Knowing that all eyes would be on this game, that vest can be considered no less than an act of aggression by the Italian.

Of course no one was more pleased at Di Canio's appointment ahead of this fixture than the Interim One. Benitez assumed that having an admitted fascist at Stamford Bridge Sunday would somehow take the target off his back and give those Eastern European bloggers someone else to 'slander'. Obviously deluded sentiment, but in his enthusiasm, he forgot to separate Mata, Hazard, and Oscar. Not getting too carried away of course he did sit Lampard and ensured Terry could remain close to Di Canio. But regrettably, I do have to give him credit for the trio behind Demba Ba. I will not be giving credit for the lad behind me who tried to rhyme Di Canio with Nazio.*

Chelsea's April Fool Manages To Put United Out of Another Cup

May As Well Have Been In Qatar for this One too

In true holiday spirit, Rafa Benitez tried to resurrect the possibility of anyone considering him a viable option at their club next season by putting all his eggs into one giant Budweiser sponsored FA Cup shaped basket. He made this abundantly clear in the lineup selected for Chelsea’s league match against Southampton. He wants a trophy to attempt to continue the mystique of his insightful tactics. But maybe even more than advancing further in the Cup, Benitez was trying to get one over on his favourite frenemy ‘the manager of Manchester United.’ Chelsea managed to put United out of one cup this season - will it be two? And is that more important to Benitez than winning any himself?

Benitez: Tinkering Himself Out of Future Employment as Chelsea lose to Saints

What's that smell? Definitely not integrity

Well the good news for Chelsea is that Rafa Benitez is definitely leaving at the end of the season. The bad news for Chelsea is that Rafa Benit... no, it’s still good he’s leaving. It’s bad news that he is very clearly choosing personal glory over what’s best for the club. Some may address the ‘could you blame him?’ trope. I like to call those people wrong. No surprise they are some of the same people were onside with Ferdinand’s vacation in Qatar rather than report for England duty.

When the lineup was announced, it was clear that players were being rested for Monday’s FA Cup replay with United, and that the league is in no way being prioritised. Ridiculous decisions all around. Normally sensible to rest Hazard after he played 180 minutes for Belgium mid-week, but with Mata out, he should definitely have started. Bentiez usually misses a trick by never starting Mazacar, two of the three members of this triumvirate should be first on the teamsheet week in and week out.

Sharing is Caring: Chelsea v West Ham

200 Not Out. No Big Deal

Although it must have been tempting for The Interim One to tinker the hell out of the lineup as Chelsea faced a club who've only gained 14 points in 16 matches, Benitez went for the subtle 4 changes approach. It would be silly to let Fernando Torres play now that he's got a goal behind him and would have been facing the club that he's scored more goals against then any other club. But no matter, in Benitez terms, it was a decent lineup.

Many of those at the game had travelled from far and wide. Brentford. As the Chelsea Under-19s continued to embarrass teams in the NextGen Series. And with a mudhole there in place of a pitch, you can see why Griffin Park was picked to host part of the tournament. Once these players get to be man sized, they could be a real threat on pitches with grass and everything. Those that didn't make the trip, of course, had a full day of drinking in them on St Paddy's day to make nice with friendly neighbours West Ham. 

Chelsea v Steaua Bucharest: Torres Bleeding Blue*

"Woah. What do you mean this isn't Big Cup?"

The biggest shock in and around Stamford Bridge was not the ridiculous amounts of denim and zippers parading about but in the lineup. For one of the few times in his all to long tenure, Benitez looked to have picked a team that should have been up to the task from the get go. Some of us would not have rested Ivanovic, but nevermind. Mikel and Terry were restored to the starting lineup and it -should- have all gone smoothly. But with Chelsea, they never make anything easy on themselves, and the first half performance was a testament to that. After giving themselves a 2 goal hole to dig themselves out of this past weekend, why not do it all again?!?

A shocking number of supporters opted to give this one a miss. The Rafa effect finally taking hold? The fact that Chelsea have played more than some teams have played in a couple of seasons combined? But only twenty-eight thousand opted to take in Thursday Night Cup action at the Bridge last night. And with the large number of Romanians buying half and half scarves to try and sneak in the home stands and largely being turned away by those savvy stewards its amazing there was anyone in the ground at all to hear the stadium announcer welcome the visitors from the Czech Republic. You can imagine how ruffled that denim got upon hearing that. Oh, and then there was the match. 

Rafa Benitez: Mad Rant or Clever PR Strategy

It's not me, it's them.

It has to be said that whether you support Chelsea or not, last night’s rant on 5Live made for seriously entertaining listening - a rarity on that program. But as a match with West Brom looms large, Rafa Benitez reached a breaking point. Losses to West Brom became the moment of truth for both Villas-Boas and Di Matteo. So would be a fitting end to Benitez' reign of apathy. Rafa has been not stranger to a good rant in the past, so it shouldn’t have surprised many that he had another one brewing just under the surface.

Before the man himself kicked off last night, there's been a lot said and written about the treatment of this poor millionaire by the people who pay to see the fruits of his labours. A lot of those seem to think the unrest should not be directed at this man, who again receives a very heft pay cheque, but to the man that hired him. How dare Chelsea supporters not turn on a man who has spent billions of his own money to improve the club and the academy. Ingrates really. The cash influx is not the only reason that Chelsea supporters have not turned on Abramovich. 

Supporters would definitely like a decent manager to stay longer than it takes for a spot to clear up, but it's not the current culture ... mostly because of the success the turnover has seen. Each interim manager has been progressively more successful with last year's model winning both the FA Cup and that big shiny trophy. Those with any sense know that no matter how cringey the decision is (the sackings of Mourinho, Ancelotti and RDM to name but a few), he's not doing it with a disregard for the club or its supporters - he is trying to do what's best, even if that best is misguided by the clowns on Chelsea's board. The appointment of Benitez was arguably one of the worst decisions that has been made. But it wasn't a move out of spite - it was one to try and get a certain be-freckled striker, well, striking again. And we all know how well that's worked out for them.

Is the Writing on the Wall Yet for Benitez? And does it say F*ck Off?

Terry: did not care to warm up and watch
from the bench.

It would have been a fitting end to his tenure at Chelsea, however it seems that Benitez has still managed to not be handed his P45 after what can only be described as an affair as limp* on the pitch as Raheem Sterling's wrist. *Other adjectives for the European Champions performance could include but are not limited to: turgid, abysmal, flat ... poo.


Since his opening match against City where both clubs drew to a 0-0 draw attempting to bore the 40,000 at Stamford Bridge into a comatose state, one would think that Benitez in all his tactical prowess would have bothered learning a thing or two about, at minimum, his opposition. Fielding an extremely defensive lineup against a team missing their best defender? Brilliant. It's almost like it was a lineup from a man who would make pointless substitutions in the 80th minute.

Even Frank Lampard, who's not put a step wrong since his campaign to embarrass the club into a (deserved) contract extension began missed his penalty. It was just not going to go Chelsea's way on Sunday, but they could have at least acted like they cared, if (and definitely) not for the 'manager', but for the fans, for each other, for the pay cheques they are only too happy to collect. The fight is gone on and off the pitch at the moment. Not to take anything away from City, but that was a display that anyone would probably like to extract from their memory. I may or may not have opted to drink until I could not feel feelings.

Kicking Off the Europa League and Not In Style

Hazard: will not be judged for wearing gloves

The final sixteen would look a lot different in the very much respected somewhat revered Europa League if it weren't for a left footed shot in the dying seconds from a Belgian. Not one, but two of England's four clubs would have found themselves more than a little embarrassed at their progress towards European glory the Europa League tin cup.

Capital One Cup's First Leg Semi A Bit Embarrassing

"Think. Think. Think. Ok Frank, I think I will put you
on for another CM, non."

About time to take up the mantra of everyone else who exits the competition and say the newly branded Capital One Cup doesn’t matter? Swarth ourselves in that Luke Skywalker in a ton-ton? Feels right, but smells just as gash. There is no glory in being eliminated from any competition, no matter how ‘mickey mouse’ the trophy is.

On a technicality, neither Villa or Chelsea are out of this semi-final. But it never really felt like either were really in it. With Villa facing Bradford City in Tuesday’s match, I opted to just keep on living my life rather than watch - which I’ve clearly now regretted. For no greater moment than Michael Owen letting twitter know that Bradford were “on fire”. That was more awkward than anyone still referring to him as a footballer.

Swansea have showed everyone, that despite the departure of Being Brendan, they are still a formidable addition to the Premier League, maybe even moreso with Michael Laudrup in charge, and Michu leading the line. So despite the 3-1 predictions that were being bandied about (moreso from the previous night’s result than anything else) it was going to be a tough game.

Some Premature Excitement from Benitez' Supporters

Difficult to fill in for a club legend - moreso
if you're name is Benitez. Fact.

Everyone take a moment and think to yourselves - when is premature ever really a good thing?

No instances? None? ....  Exactly.

But thanks to a lot of column inches needing filled before the transfer window bursts open with aplomb, there needs to some other more 'substantial' controversy. What better story to focus on than Chelsea supporters and who they should support. The 'hows' of supporting were covered quite thoroughly earlier this season when Chelsea supporters stole Arsenal's favourite song - BOO.