SAFC v CFC: The One Where Chelsea Remembered It Was November

Black Friday Sale on Cahills!

Off the back of two outstanding performances, West Brom and Schalke for those of you who's memories are fragile from a night out in Newcastle, the Sunderland match was anything but. It wasn't fun. It wasn't a tactical masterclass. It wasn't a win. But it wasn't really  the worst result.

Cardiff vs Chelsea: The Little Horse Gets Over the Final Hurdle

Torres + Schürrle counting Salah's offtarget shots

With the little horse completely out of the title race on the final day of the season, discussion in the build-up focused on how many of the players who limped to a 0-0 against Norwich (NORWICH FFS) may have played their last game at Stamford Bridge. Thankfully, the World Cup may reduce the number of tedious rumours that will surround half the team until pens are put to paper.

With the back five arguably creating the majority of highlights this season, Mourinho opted for a complete rejigging … just because he can. Which gave Ashley Cole one more opportunity to remind Mourinho that he’s good enough to attend Christmas parties — wherever they are being held. It also gave the travelling support one more chance to try and reduce him to tears letting him know they want him to stay.

Fernando Torres got the nod ahead of Demba Ba and Samuel 'only scores at Stamford Bridge’ Eto’o. Torres, of course, promptly rewarded Mourinho with that vote of confidence by getting tangled up in some balloons in the opening minutes and then having his brilliant shot denied by Steven Caulker. Only then did the Cardiff grounds crew decide that they needed to dispose of the balloons before the game continued.

Chelsea vs PSG: We've Done It Before

CL match winner Demba Ba. Let that sink in.

With some stumbles in recent weeks, notably to Villa and Palace, it was difficult to tell which Chelsea side would turn up at Stamford Bridge last night. Yes there was the emphatic win over Stoke, but Peter Crouch isn't exactly Edinson Cavani.

Two years ago Chelsea found themselves on the wrong end of a 3-1 away and a victory over Stoke before not only going on to beat Napoli but to only go on and win the whole bloody thing. Would luck favour them again or was it all used up against Barcelona and Munich?

Chelsea vs Arsenal: 999 Games + 1 Wenger Would Like to Forget

Not Kieran Gibbs

You may not have heard, but Saturday was Arsene Wenger's 1000th game in charge of Arsenal. The press had kept it pretty quiet in the roundup, so thought I'd make sure you lot knew. And although I had something pretty special intended for the post-mortem on the match, I thought I'd send in Kieran Gibbs to do it instead.

With the special relationship which the managers have developed over the years, Arsene Wenger was undoubtedly delighted to mark the occasion of his big game against his close personal friend Jose Mourinho. A man he has yet to see victory over on or off the pitch.

Galatasaray vs Chelsea: Welcome to H-E-1-1

One. There's one striker.

With all the buildup focusing on Mourinho's comments about Eto'o's age Chelsea facing Champions League hero Didier Drogba, in well, the Champions League -- everyone forgot that formerly special, formerly happy little horse might have a trick up his sleeve. Despite his super secret conversation in a packed press room regarding his lack of strikers, Mourinho only went and found himself one.

Samuel Eto'o was widely expected to start with his preferred non-injured status, however, it was Fernando Torres who got his name on the finely printed teamsheet and lineup against the man he replaced. The same Fernando Torres who began 2014 with a couple of cheeky away goals and an injury which had him sidelined more or less until his re-emergence in 'hell' -- like a freckled phoenix. It took just 9 minutes to assure Mourinho that he does in fact have a striker on his hands after all. It was Torres' 6th goal in his last 5 CL starts -- and has taken his goal tally in the CL beyond what he ever managed for Liverpool. This, of course, will give them more reasons to burn any remaining shirts they have lying around.

West Brom vs Chelsea: The Little Horse Has a Little Wobble

Torres: In defence of Gary

Dropped points away to West Brom, and the Chelsea manager hasn't been sacked. Roman Abramovich has gone soft. Or he hasn't found out yet. Either way without a confusing analogy about horses or eggs to divert attention from the performance on the pitch, it's difficult to not feel a little cheated.

So the black kit returns to Chelsea, and Chelsea return to London with a single point. Is it possible that a black kit is just too sleek for Chelsea and they can't handle the swagger of it? Admittedly I'm a fan of turning up to a ground looking like a complete bad-ass.* And while the team were certainly dressed the part, they didn't do much worthy of the kit furthering the jinx that Chelsea seem to have in black.

Chelsea vs Manchester United: Round 2

"Sure you'll score 3 vs United today. I believe you"

Note: any delays in the production of this match report have been in whole part due to the 'writer' having a sad about the possible exit of London fanboy, Juan Mata. Although not fully recovered from aforementioned sad, it would have been remiss of said 'writer' to not report on the joy that preceded the moody strop to which she has descended.

Although it may be Manchester United who get the last (beautifully bearded) laugh this week, it was Chelsea who took all three points this weekend. In no small way did this make the task for David Moyes a bigger challenge than it was to offload Anderson. And somehow, somehow he pulled that off. More impressive than the move was Anderson not breaking any aircraft weight allowances to get make it to Fiorentina.

Hull vs Chelsea: Tigers Tamed

"You've Changed ... "

After seeing Chelsea play Hull on the opening day of the season, Hull looked sure to be heading back to the Championship sooner than later. Cut to 5 months later and they've joined the mid-table likes of Aston Villa and Manchester United with an impressively solid look about that at home. Saturday's lunchtime kick off was not going to be like the fun and games of the opening day.

Southampton vs Chelsea: Saints & Sinners

Oh Hello 2014

Fernando Torres' New Year's resolution: score more goals.

With so much being made of no Chelsea striker scoring away from home in the Premier League for the whole of 2013, you had to have known that Torres was going to score on New Years Day. Had to. OK, even if you didn't know, I knew for you. Oh, I knew ....

Fernando Torres carried on from his brief cameo against his former shell suit sporting club like a man possessed. Not one to sit back and wait for service, Torres only went and dribbled circles around Southampton's midfield. Of course that did him and Chelsea no good in the first half, but it sure did look impressive.

Newcastle vs Chelsea: Toon-ed Out

This man does NOT do early starts

Not sure if after a 500 mile round trip that anyone wants to hear The Proclaimers the manager made ELEVEN mistakes in his team selection that day. ELEVEN! Not that Jose Mourinho has ever been one to inflate things for the media or provide a distraction for the poor quality of football on the pitch. But if there was in fact 11/11 errors made in selection, maybe there should be some sort of compensation for the travelling contingent that saw only three of the those mistakes come over and clap their effort to leave before dawn to see 45 minutes of sub par football.

Chelsea vs Manchester City: Torres Enjoying a Hart Attack

Behold: Match Winner

You were either getting that or 'Joe Hart is no longer Head and Shoulders above the rest' as a title. And despite the absolute shocker Hart had with Nastastic - Torres is the man who deserves the full plaudits and attention for Sunday's match. If you were worried about this being some sort of pseudo love letter to the freckled Spaniard rather than the sensible* match reports you're used to you may be right.

Schalke vs Chelsea: A Torres'd Time of It

Torres finally has his head in the game

All week the papers have been warning London about severe weather warnings were imminent. They failed to mention the elusive storm, otherwise known as El Nino, would make its way from the capital to Germany.

Tottenham vs Chelsea: Cat Scratch Fever

Torres shows his appreciation for some great refereeing

There’s always a lot of anticipation when Chelsea goes to Tottenham and not just for those looking for a little slap and tickle. But with the return of Mourinho, and Villas Boas sticking around somewhere long enough to start a second season – all eyes were firmly planted on the technical area. It was all terribly master and servant with quotes being pulled from a year ago to heighten the excitement and constructed rivalry.

Swindon Town vs Chelsea: Return of the Special Juan

'Jose made me do it'

There’s not too many people that would consider Chelsea’s Milk Capital One Cup tie a glamour fixture – it’s like Sky knew something they didn’t.  Tuesday night’s match turned out to be an opportunity for Chelsea’s players to show why they should be on the teamsheet week in and week out. Although most clubs use this very somewhat important competition as an opportunity to watch their youth and fringe players, only Chelsea would have Juan Mata and David Luiz on that list.

Chelsea vs Fulham: John Obi Mikel - Goal Machine

185 Games in the Making

It doesn’t get much more exciting than derby day does it? Well, unless of course your derby is with Putney based upstarts – Fulham. With their performances such as they are, and their massive support making it the whole 2 miles up the road, it wasn’t going to really be classic derby atmosphere.  But this match took it to a new level without even a card being issued over the course of 90 minutes.

Basel Faulty: Does Chelsea's Loss to Basel Mata?

Schar enjoying Van Ginkel more than the goal #awkward

As I attempted to press on triumphantly throughout the day, my performance suffered and I became increasingly less effective at the office. Eventually I succumbed to the forsaken -- man flu! After watching Chelsea’s performance tonight, it’s evident I wasn’t the only one struck down by this horrible disease!

Not to diminish the performance of Basel in any way as they looked the more threatening of the two in the first half. It was lucky that Chelsea took the lead at the half. Salah constantly tested Chelsea’s defence. Although at times this evening, even bed ridden, I may have been able to challenge Chelsea’s defence. It takes something pretty special for a goal to be the fault of three players.

Bayern Munich vs Chelsea: UEFA's Charity Shield

Drogba, Terry ... Ramires

With the buildup to this year’s Super Cup consisting mostly of people suspecting that Bayern Munich’s A or B team would turn Chelsea over and last year’s game still clouded in a vat of lime, mint and rum – it was difficult to tell what Chelsea supporters could expect. Aside from a brilliant few days out in Prague of course. Not that some of us were left behind and lamenting the sunshine of London as reports of the mythical £1 beers flooded in.

Manchester United vs Chelsea: No Suprise as No Strikers Mean No Goals

Moyes Tip 127: How to Prevent a Poke in the Eye

It's a good thing no one hyped this match up to be a fantastic battle or there could be a few disappointed souls on Tuesday morning. It's not like Sky ran endless promos or anything ...

Manchester United versus Chelsea. After no less than five meetings  between  the two last season, it became evident that despite the new men in each dugout -- these players may just know each other a little too well. Tactics by and large cancelling each other out.

Chelsea v Hull City (Tigers): Welcome Back, Welcome Back, Welcome Back

Blowing Kisses. Proper Football.

The eagerly anticipated Mourinho 2.0 era has kicked off. Days before kick-off, supporters were wondering who would be given the gift of sharing the adulation that would be ringing out through the stands. Were they worried someone would miss out who deserved a start? Thinking had Lukaku done enough in pre-season to impress Jose? Or were they just sorting out their fantasy teams because Chelsea play twice this week?*

Chelsea's Torrid Affair with Thursday Night Cup

We're in serious like - but not yet love

Dear Thursday Night Cup Europa League,

I can’t say that our continued affair right under the nose of your big brother would have lasted this long. We didn’t exactly get together in the best of circumstances. And if I’m being really honest, I was using you to make Champions League jealous after he so callously tossed us aside. Not that I’m annoyed that the honeymoon period was so short. (I am). But nevertheless, you’ve stayed with us even though, we have let ourselves go.