Chelsea vs Manchester United: The One That Even Kante Scored

'Hello pot, this is the kettle. You're black'

The awkward moment when you’re forced to come face to face with an ex. Try as you might to pretend that they cease to exist in the universe - surely I’m not the only one - they do. They’re out there. Oh, and they’re with someone else and there’s not a single thing you can do about it. Words get said. You overanalyse them. They take on a life of their own. And by the time you are unwillingly dragged into this unwanted encounter by that bastard fate you have to force yourself to man up. Inevitably there is a winner and loser in these relationships - and Chelsea very much found themselves the former.

Chelsea vs Manchester United: The One with a Last Minute Equaliser (again)

Queing for Mata hugs - who could blame them?

It’s possible that Chelsea’s beloved Guus Hiddink could be using the team to bolster his CV after his failed stints as the Netherlands and Turkey’s head coach. He’s once again swanned in and taken a losing side to an unbeaten side. Opting for DM squared week in and week out, Hiddink is setting up the team to not lose. And while it’s 'worked' insofar as he can say Chelsea remain unbeaten under him, they haven’t really progressed, have they?

When Hiddink took over from Steve Holland JoMo 2.0, Chelsea sat 15th in the Premier League. Overseeing an unbeaten run of SEVEN matches, Hiddink’s side have reached the lofty heights of … wait for it …. wait ….. 13th. Seven matches without a loss and Chelsea have moved up 2 places on the league table. While the teams just ahead of the Blues have done their part to help the cause — Crystal Palace winning themselves 1 whole point this calendar year - Chelsea still have not had a look in at the top 10.

Chelsea vs United: The One that Juan Returned (but left without a point)

Reunited & It Feels So Good

Chelsea versus Manchester United is never a match without some dramatic talking points — but they aren’t always the ones that happen on the pitch. Just today (two days after the match for those of you reading this in the future —hi mum!) there was some concern that all Mourinho’s careful foil-Fellaini planning would have to be scrapped just before the match.

Mourinho had spent the better part of last week training his side to deal with United’s unexpected target man — apparently using Ruben Loftus-Cheek as a stand in. However, a doorman had thought he’d seen Fellaini arrive on match day and promptly told Mourinho he wouldn’t be playing. JM had the good sense to suss out that it was actually Fellaini's brother, once again highlighting his next-level genius. Who would ever suspect that there is another person in the world who thinks that a unibrow and fuzzy hair is a style to aim for?! Only Jose sussed out that there could be two.

Chelsea's Deal with the Devil for Juan Mata

Loved by fans

Chelsea player of the year 2011/12. Chelsea player of the year 2012/13. FA Cup winner. Champions League winner. Thursday Night Cup winner. World Cup winner. Euro 2012 winner.

There is no question that in August of 2011, Chelsea inherited an absolutely exceptional talent in Juan Mata. And by inherited spent maybe the best £24M they've ever spent. And I consider myself lucky for having had the privilege of watching him in person every week. Not in an every breath you take, every move you make sort of way -- I mean at the games!

Chelsea vs Manchester United: Round 2

"Sure you'll score 3 vs United today. I believe you"

Note: any delays in the production of this match report have been in whole part due to the 'writer' having a sad about the possible exit of London fanboy, Juan Mata. Although not fully recovered from aforementioned sad, it would have been remiss of said 'writer' to not report on the joy that preceded the moody strop to which she has descended.

Although it may be Manchester United who get the last (beautifully bearded) laugh this week, it was Chelsea who took all three points this weekend. In no small way did this make the task for David Moyes a bigger challenge than it was to offload Anderson. And somehow, somehow he pulled that off. More impressive than the move was Anderson not breaking any aircraft weight allowances to get make it to Fiorentina.

Hull vs Chelsea: Tigers Tamed

"You've Changed ... "

After seeing Chelsea play Hull on the opening day of the season, Hull looked sure to be heading back to the Championship sooner than later. Cut to 5 months later and they've joined the mid-table likes of Aston Villa and Manchester United with an impressively solid look about that at home. Saturday's lunchtime kick off was not going to be like the fun and games of the opening day.

Southampton vs Chelsea: Saints & Sinners

Oh Hello 2014

Fernando Torres' New Year's resolution: score more goals.

With so much being made of no Chelsea striker scoring away from home in the Premier League for the whole of 2013, you had to have known that Torres was going to score on New Years Day. Had to. OK, even if you didn't know, I knew for you. Oh, I knew ....

Fernando Torres carried on from his brief cameo against his former shell suit sporting club like a man possessed. Not one to sit back and wait for service, Torres only went and dribbled circles around Southampton's midfield. Of course that did him and Chelsea no good in the first half, but it sure did look impressive.

Chelsea vs Southampton: The first 13 seconds don't count

Difficult to tell if Terry or Ivanovic is more excited here

Like quickly tearing off a plaster, let's get this bit of the match done and over with … Michael Essien had a bit of a 'mare on Sunday. Not only did he forget that the match had actually started as he assisted Southampton's opening (and only) goal, but then only went and got himself booked for diving. The ridiculous dive was an obvious attempt to help everyone of the Chelsea faithful forget the initial 13 seconds. To be fair to the Bison, with the match that Michael Oliver had, he may well have called it as a fouled. 

Now that's over, we shall never speak of Essien's performance against Southampton again. Ever. 

Newcastle vs Chelsea: Toon-ed Out

This man does NOT do early starts

Not sure if after a 500 mile round trip that anyone wants to hear The Proclaimers the manager made ELEVEN mistakes in his team selection that day. ELEVEN! Not that Jose Mourinho has ever been one to inflate things for the media or provide a distraction for the poor quality of football on the pitch. But if there was in fact 11/11 errors made in selection, maybe there should be some sort of compensation for the travelling contingent that saw only three of the those mistakes come over and clap their effort to leave before dawn to see 45 minutes of sub par football.

Norwich vs Chelsea: Carrow Road provides three points and Delia-cious pie

Mourinho not loving what he smells in Norwich

Three games. Three managers. Three wins. Hello nurs… Norwich.

It doesn’t seem to matter the manager, Chelsea have managed a win over Norwich just about every time they face the Canaries. And with the ‘crisis’ ever lurking in the papers, they couldn’t have faced them at a better time.

Tottenham vs Chelsea: Cat Scratch Fever

Torres shows his appreciation for some great refereeing

There’s always a lot of anticipation when Chelsea goes to Tottenham and not just for those looking for a little slap and tickle. But with the return of Mourinho, and Villas Boas sticking around somewhere long enough to start a second season – all eyes were firmly planted on the technical area. It was all terribly master and servant with quotes being pulled from a year ago to heighten the excitement and constructed rivalry.

Swindon Town vs Chelsea: Return of the Special Juan

'Jose made me do it'

There’s not too many people that would consider Chelsea’s Milk Capital One Cup tie a glamour fixture – it’s like Sky knew something they didn’t.  Tuesday night’s match turned out to be an opportunity for Chelsea’s players to show why they should be on the teamsheet week in and week out. Although most clubs use this very somewhat important competition as an opportunity to watch their youth and fringe players, only Chelsea would have Juan Mata and David Luiz on that list.

Chelsea vs Fulham: John Obi Mikel - Goal Machine

185 Games in the Making

It doesn’t get much more exciting than derby day does it? Well, unless of course your derby is with Putney based upstarts – Fulham. With their performances such as they are, and their massive support making it the whole 2 miles up the road, it wasn’t going to really be classic derby atmosphere.  But this match took it to a new level without even a card being issued over the course of 90 minutes.

Basel Faulty: Does Chelsea's Loss to Basel Mata?

Schar enjoying Van Ginkel more than the goal #awkward

As I attempted to press on triumphantly throughout the day, my performance suffered and I became increasingly less effective at the office. Eventually I succumbed to the forsaken -- man flu! After watching Chelsea’s performance tonight, it’s evident I wasn’t the only one struck down by this horrible disease!

Not to diminish the performance of Basel in any way as they looked the more threatening of the two in the first half. It was lucky that Chelsea took the lead at the half. Salah constantly tested Chelsea’s defence. Although at times this evening, even bed ridden, I may have been able to challenge Chelsea’s defence. It takes something pretty special for a goal to be the fault of three players.

Manchester United v Chelsea: The Chelsea Smile Returns

This man is incapable of not laughing

Chelsea faced Manchester United for the FIFTH time this season. FIFTH. It was like Benitez’ dream come true. In part as it’s a team that the interim one can beat winning the last four of five League meetings with United. Unlike Reading where he’s won one of his last five in all competitions with the Championship incumbents.

With United already securing the title and failing to be able to match Mourinho’s points record, United were left with nothing to play for except pride. And Ferguson’s lineup pretty much said as much. As the lineups were released, North London wondered what they’d ever done to SAF to warrant such a lineup. I hate to be the one to break it to North London, but I’m afraid it’s not all about you. Ferguson is far too self involved for such matters and his only concern is ensuring his onlookers play enough games to get themselves a medal too.

Liverpool v Chelsea: Reality Bites

The moment Suarez realises he did
not bite Ivanovic hard enough

How was this weekend’s football ever going to live up to all the excitement of last weekend where a man squared up to a horse, and Aguero played proctologist for a day? Saturday limped through with nothing more than QPR and Reading playing chicken with points, and Arsenal doing what they could to make the race for top four interesting. And then came Sunday ....

Rain soaked and crammed into tiny pubs all around Anfield, Chelsea watched as seven minutes was all it took for Spurs to turn Chelsea's match with Liverpool from probably should win into absolutely have to win. It was about as positive a sign as was a manager being in charge of the club in his former ground hearing what sounded like applause for the first time for him this season. Or was that merely interim applause?

Either way as supporters made their way in they were treated with a lot of pomp and circumstance and a minute’s applause for fear that the ne’re-do-well Chelsea supporters ruin their moment again. A woman who’d spent her life fighting for the justice of her son’s lost life warranted that moment. People who lost their lives while punishing their bodies for the good of a number of charities deserved their moment. Linking the two tragedies was crass, inappropriate at minimum.

The match was always going to be a lively one on and off the pitch. And despite some cynical thoughts that may have transversed by imagination, the lineup wasn’t the Southampton-style horror show I had anticipated. However, with such a delicate constitution and not being cup tied for Thursday, the mask of Torres should have been a spectator for this occasion only. This moment could have tipped the balance just enough to be even more powerful than the influence that masochistic accessory.

Chelsea's April Fool Manages To Put United Out of Another Cup

May As Well Have Been In Qatar for this One too

In true holiday spirit, Rafa Benitez tried to resurrect the possibility of anyone considering him a viable option at their club next season by putting all his eggs into one giant Budweiser sponsored FA Cup shaped basket. He made this abundantly clear in the lineup selected for Chelsea’s league match against Southampton. He wants a trophy to attempt to continue the mystique of his insightful tactics. But maybe even more than advancing further in the Cup, Benitez was trying to get one over on his favourite frenemy ‘the manager of Manchester United.’ Chelsea managed to put United out of one cup this season - will it be two? And is that more important to Benitez than winning any himself?

Rafa Benitez: Mad Rant or Clever PR Strategy

It's not me, it's them.

It has to be said that whether you support Chelsea or not, last night’s rant on 5Live made for seriously entertaining listening - a rarity on that program. But as a match with West Brom looms large, Rafa Benitez reached a breaking point. Losses to West Brom became the moment of truth for both Villas-Boas and Di Matteo. So would be a fitting end to Benitez' reign of apathy. Rafa has been not stranger to a good rant in the past, so it shouldn’t have surprised many that he had another one brewing just under the surface.

Before the man himself kicked off last night, there's been a lot said and written about the treatment of this poor millionaire by the people who pay to see the fruits of his labours. A lot of those seem to think the unrest should not be directed at this man, who again receives a very heft pay cheque, but to the man that hired him. How dare Chelsea supporters not turn on a man who has spent billions of his own money to improve the club and the academy. Ingrates really. The cash influx is not the only reason that Chelsea supporters have not turned on Abramovich. 

Supporters would definitely like a decent manager to stay longer than it takes for a spot to clear up, but it's not the current culture ... mostly because of the success the turnover has seen. Each interim manager has been progressively more successful with last year's model winning both the FA Cup and that big shiny trophy. Those with any sense know that no matter how cringey the decision is (the sackings of Mourinho, Ancelotti and RDM to name but a few), he's not doing it with a disregard for the club or its supporters - he is trying to do what's best, even if that best is misguided by the clowns on Chelsea's board. The appointment of Benitez was arguably one of the worst decisions that has been made. But it wasn't a move out of spite - it was one to try and get a certain be-freckled striker, well, striking again. And we all know how well that's worked out for them.

Magic of the Cup Lost on the Daytrippers at Stamford Bridge

Brining a tuna sandwich to a press conference
is also just taking the piss

Another FA Cup weekend done and dusted. Time to reflect on the ‘magic’ of it. Because what would the FA Cup be without constant inane chat of magic? Matt Smith’s goal that just about avoided being a handball from a keeper who forgot what box he was in was as close as it got this weekend. Arsenal’s loss to Blackburn wasn’t so much magic as it was comedic genius. Only made better by arguably one of the best press conferences Arsene Wenger has ever given. If you haven’t had a chance to see it or read the transcript, do yourselves a favour.

Chelsea v United: Almost Let a Good Game of Football Ruin Headlines

Does this look like the face of someone who would
say offensive things to players?

We were 90 minutes away from getting through the weekend where the papers on Monday would be littered with *gasp* discussion of actual football. Except of course from Norwich’s turgid affair with Aston Villa where there was 90 minutes of wishing something - anything - would happen. In fact - I could go so far as to say we were 45 minutes away from it. Even Rio Ferdinand helped the cause (and you know he loves a cause) ahead of kick off by doing the unthinkable - behaving like a grown up and shaking Ashley Cole’s hand.

Where did it all go wrong?