Arsenal vs Chelsea: The One That Arsenal Scored Against Chelsea

Gary Cahill A man in desperate need of a spa day

I think it’s safe to say that Saturday did not go to plan. Unless the plan was to show complete and utter derision to the very notion of organisation. If that were the case then I think Chelsea did an admirable job in those opening 45 minutes.

Branislav Ivanovic was quoted on the club’s site after the game saying that the players didn’t believe in what they were doing at the start of the match. What does that even mean?! That despite an actual decent run of results under a seasoned and decorated manage, on this particular occasion you didn’t quite buy into what he was selling?

Even if Antonio Conte had a terrible plan in place to face Arsenal - it would have been miles better than literally anything that happened in front of our eyeballs for 40 minutes. It got to the point that Chelsea looked so bewildered that Petr Cech briefly considered letting in a pity goal or two. 

Chelsea vs Spurs: The One Where Spurs Did Not Win The League

Oh haaaiiiiii 

While considered by many to be ‘small club mentality’ or a ‘cup final’ to celebrate a victory draw to the extent Chelsea did against Tottenham on Monday night - I’m not sure it really counts when a) it’s against Spurs and b) said team has had a few fair actual cup finals to celebrate. But most of the teams bemoaning that wouldn’t know about or remember their own club’s achievements.

And let’s be honest, Chelsea fans have had literally nothing to celebrate since lifting the league trophy a year ago. The post-season / pre-season hijinks. The transfer window - incomings and a certain scrum-capped outgoing. And then the season itself. The list goes on. The Chelsea faithful deserved to have a bit of fun at least once this season to celebrate a beloved former manager and get one over on a fierce rival.

Chelsea vs Manchester United: The One with a Last Minute Equaliser (again)

Queing for Mata hugs - who could blame them?

It’s possible that Chelsea’s beloved Guus Hiddink could be using the team to bolster his CV after his failed stints as the Netherlands and Turkey’s head coach. He’s once again swanned in and taken a losing side to an unbeaten side. Opting for DM squared week in and week out, Hiddink is setting up the team to not lose. And while it’s 'worked' insofar as he can say Chelsea remain unbeaten under him, they haven’t really progressed, have they?

When Hiddink took over from Steve Holland JoMo 2.0, Chelsea sat 15th in the Premier League. Overseeing an unbeaten run of SEVEN matches, Hiddink’s side have reached the lofty heights of … wait for it …. wait ….. 13th. Seven matches without a loss and Chelsea have moved up 2 places on the league table. While the teams just ahead of the Blues have done their part to help the cause — Crystal Palace winning themselves 1 whole point this calendar year - Chelsea still have not had a look in at the top 10.

Watford vs Chelsea: The One with Costa's Clothing Capers

Welcome to the gun show

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I’m not saying that Hiddink’s transitioning to Susan Boyle from questionable decision making to baffling persistence - but is there any reason he expects the partnership of Nemanja Matic and John Obi Mikel to work?

Their natural positioning sense means that they continue to be in the same place at the same time and not in a romantic serendiptious type way. They're either leaving  a gaping hole in the midfield or a bit of a mess for someone else to clean up. While the threat of Watford’s attack is real, they had lost 4 of their last 5 ahead of Wednesday match, so Chelsea probably didn’t need defensive midfield twinsies.

Chelsea vs Everton: The One That Was Offside

Carnage

The insistence of playing John Obi Mikel and Nemanja Matic together reminds me of Rachel’s trifle from Friends. Just because meat is good* and jam is good does not mean they should co-exist in the same dish or on the same pitch.

In theory, the pairing should work to create a glorious fortress of solitude in front of the back four, but for whatever reason it just makes a mess of any semblance of shape and a disconnectedness between the attack and everyone else. They are trying to do the same job, but seemingly in the same place at the same time rather than spreading their considerable size across the pitch. In other words they leave a massive gaping hole for anyone just to have a leisurely stroll through. Which is exactly what Everton did for large expanses of Saturday’s little slice of chaos.

Chelsea vs Southampton: The One Chelsea Lost At Home Again

That Bench Life

Saturday started well, didn’t it? The sun was shining, some of us enjoyed a bubbly libation before heading to the ground and the captain was reinstated into Chelsea’s back four. What could possibly go wrong? Nothing against Southampton who were fantastic last season, but there away record was literally on par with that of Newcastle’s before they got to Stamford Bridge. That means 10 actual Premier League games away from St Mary’s without a win. TEN!

Porto vs Chelsea: The One Where Casillas Almost Smiles

Not the face of a man who resents the favourite ... (It is)

I have a confession - I did actually think Chelsea would beat Porto on Tuesday night. I have no good reason for it based on some all of the recent performances. And if truth be told, I wasn’t happy with the starting lineup. But still — there was still a nagging part of me that thought Chelsea would come away with the points. It defies logic really. My naivety really kicked into full swing at about the hour mark - otherwise known as the moment Eden Hazard joined the fray.

West Brom vs Chelsea: The One with Chelsea's First Win

Mou Loves Pu - The feelings are real

Apologies for the delay. My internet this week has been just about as patchy as Chelsea’s defence. A delight if your job is, you know, on the internet. Anyways, if we can all remember back that far, there was an actual game played over the weekend. And you know what? It wasn’t horrendous. Which, let’e be honest, came as some surprise.

Not only has Yokohama Chelsea not exactly lived up to it’s Korean electronic counterpart, but the Hawthorns hasn’t exactly been a happy hunting ground. Before last weekend, Chelsea had lost on 3 of their last 4 trips there. I’d hazard a guess they don’t have a worse (recent) record anywhere else. However last season’s jaunt to the midlands can be forgiven seeing as Chelsea had a) already won the league so were effectively on summer holidays and b) the sheer comedy value of Cesc Fàbregas.

Man City vs Chelsea: The One Without Jon Fearn

Costa just can't have pretty things

Oh Sunday. Bloody Sunday. Apologies for being late on this. It’s possible I’ve only just got through the traffic on the M40 and back to civilisation. If any of us are looking for a remote positive from the result it is at least a reprieve for and from Eva Carneiro and everything that surrounds that narrative. Don’t worry Jon Fearn — we’ll never forget you.

Thanks to the sensible planning from the City hierarchy, I nearly missed kick-off courtesy of a forced excursion to the Academy Stadium. And by the looks of how the match began, I don’t think I’m the only one who missed out and turned up exhausted — not pointing any fingers. But you know who you are Cesc Fàbregas* and the entire back line.

PSG v Chelsea: The One Where the Result Didn't Matter

Diego Costa doesn't do friendlies

Chelsea had the opportunity to take revenge for their Champions League exit! Or so the buildup to last night’s pre-season friendly would have you believe. But a pre-season friendly in America doesn’t quite hold the same gravitas amongst fans as say the actual Champions League. Shocking revelations, I know.

Aside from the obvious shirt sale extravaganzas, the matches are meant to prepare the team for games that actually matter. Or pseudo competitions like next week’s big plate competition - otherwise known as the first time Chelsea have to see Petr Cech in the wrong kit. The oh so very wrong kit.

Chelsea v Liverpool: The One with the Guard of Honour

The desperate face of trying to keep up with Hazard

Although the official post-season tour begins in Thailand at the end of this month - it quite clearly began on Sunday afternoon. It’s difficult to fault all those tired legs for failing to keep their motivation up after winning but not yet receiving the trophy against Palace last weekend. But it doesn’t make for great viewing - for all you fans of ‘boring, boring Chelsea’ - now is your time to shine.

Of course, not having anything to play for does lend itself to a few relaxing afternoons out and the opportunity to watch some players that may not have got the chance otherwise. Ruben Loftus-Cheek being the most obvious example. He was given a brilliant reception by the home support AND the media who have loved his pass completion (100%). Loftus-Cheek’s performance was just what the media and Football Manager fan boys wanted. It’s all about possession for those crazy kids at the moment!

Chelsea vs PSG: The One Where Forwards Were Merely Acccessories

Silly hair is not enough to intimidate Diego Costa

This is going to be a full on out and out whinge. I may end up regretting some of the things that will be said later. I accept that. But if you don't fancy a proper moan about a depressing Champions League exit - then there are a multitude of over-analysing happy-clappy tactics nonsense pieces floating about. They -will- contain references as to who should actually have played and where because obviously they all know better than the man with a cupboard full of trophies and fabulous overcoats.

Liverpool vs Chelsea: The One Where Chelsea Forgot to Shoot

Luis explaining the importance of a headband for his 'look'

With Liverpool's exit from the Champions League a few seasons ago, supporters across the world were given a reprieve from watching them face Chelsea 60 odd times a season. But the League Cup* semi-final draw had other plans, it was feeling nostalgic for those days. Maybe it was the 'mind games', or the post-match 'banter' or the football that made you question what happened to the 90 minutes of your life that you'd never get back. Thankfully both sides have evolved beyond trying to bore the other into submission. More or less anyways.

After some pretty hapless performances from the home side as of late, it appears they saved all their vim and vigour up for last night's match. They started well and tested the re-instated Thibaut Courtois early and often. The partnership of John Obi Mikel and Nemanja Matic which had been so effective at Stoke looked sluggish or like they'd never met one another (they definitely have). Either way it left John Terry and Co. more exposed than usual. But it wasn't until the second half that there was any real damage to Chelsea's quest for another trip to Wembley.

Chelsea vs Maribor: The one where Drogba scored a CL penalty (again)

Before all those goals - the view from the press box

With no sign of Diego Costa or his hamstring anywhere near the pitch last night, Loïc Remy got the call to start up front. However, within minutes of the game kicking off it was evident that Costa was not the only one carrying an injury. Remy’s understudy on the night, Didier Drogba, began warming up after just 10 minutes. Nevertheless the Frenchman wasn’t going to let any underlying pain stop him from finding the back of the net. Remy scored from a through ball from John Terry that would have made Cesc Fàbregas proud. But that would be Remy’s sole contribution on the night as he winced his way down the tunnel.

As Chelsea continued with a wave of attacks upon the Slovenian champions, Ales Mertelj thought he should just scoop the ball out of his own 18 yard box and in doing so gave the home side a penalty. Although Eden Hazard has an outstanding record from the spot, Drogba stepped up to take this one, scoring 886 days after his last goal for Chelsea.

Premier League: Team of the Season

It's that time of the year for people to put fake teams together and ponder the what-ifs if this were actually at team. The players selected here are ones that impressed (me) this season. In a bid to set aside bias, it is not Chelsea's starting XI even if the team has a blue hue. With the excitement of a season that saw both the favourite and richest club go and win the darn thing, there could be an argument for more City players to make an appearance in this XI. Yaya Touré the most glaring omission. He had a brilliant season following in Frank Lampard's footsteps scoring 20 goals in a season. So rather than include him in the XI, he gets a special mention.

Crystal Palace vs Chelsea: Tony Pulis’ Lucky Number 13

"You know what happens when ballboys waste time vs Chelsea"

From the outside, things looked brilliant for Chelsea going into Saturday’s game with Palace. Not only had they just humiliated Arsenal a week before, but Tony Pulis had never managed a win over a Chelsea side - losing on 10 of those occasions. TEN. But for those who know Chelsea a little better than the casual outside, they’ll have had some trepidation. They’ll know Chelsea will make things as hard for themselves as possible - easily beating title contenders and struggling against anyone that looks set for a stint in the Championship.

England: In Need of John Terry's Fighting Spirit

Uncle Roy loves a bit of Terry

International friendlies amidst a busy March full off Premier and Champions League football is never going to make for thrilling viewing. It's a puffed up affair for indecisive managers to make up their mind on a few question marks in their lineups and sponsors to make a few more quid for those willing to pay to watch this level of football.

But as England plod through their night at Wembley with Bendtner FC, it's apparent what they're missing. I know you know where this is going. But there's a reason you know. There's a reason that people are STILL talking about it. Writing silly little blogs insightful pieces on it. England are missing a leader at the back, and arguably the Premier League's best defender -- John Terry. Someone needs to organise that back four and get the ball forward. There's not many better in the game at the moment.

West Brom vs Chelsea: The Little Horse Has a Little Wobble

Torres: In defence of Gary

Dropped points away to West Brom, and the Chelsea manager hasn't been sacked. Roman Abramovich has gone soft. Or he hasn't found out yet. Either way without a confusing analogy about horses or eggs to divert attention from the performance on the pitch, it's difficult to not feel a little cheated.

So the black kit returns to Chelsea, and Chelsea return to London with a single point. Is it possible that a black kit is just too sleek for Chelsea and they can't handle the swagger of it? Admittedly I'm a fan of turning up to a ground looking like a complete bad-ass.* And while the team were certainly dressed the part, they didn't do much worthy of the kit furthering the jinx that Chelsea seem to have in black.

Chelsea vs Southampton: The first 13 seconds don't count

Difficult to tell if Terry or Ivanovic is more excited here

Like quickly tearing off a plaster, let's get this bit of the match done and over with … Michael Essien had a bit of a 'mare on Sunday. Not only did he forget that the match had actually started as he assisted Southampton's opening (and only) goal, but then only went and got himself booked for diving. The ridiculous dive was an obvious attempt to help everyone of the Chelsea faithful forget the initial 13 seconds. To be fair to the Bison, with the match that Michael Oliver had, he may well have called it as a fouled. 

Now that's over, we shall never speak of Essien's performance against Southampton again. Ever. 

Chelsea vs West Brom: The Apprentice Becomes the Master (Almost)

Language!!

Although the only two losses to West Brom have resulted in a change of manager, Jose could feel fairly confident that his job would be safe no matter the outcome – at least with regards to this fixture. Taking charge of his 100^th Premier League game, it was fitting that he was facing his former assistant. Rather than a rivalry, there was a ridiculous, beautiful love-in. Unconfirmed that Clarke and Mourinho were holding hands while walking out of the tunnel together.