Tuchel insists Chelsea 'have no feet' in the Carabao Cup final ahead of Spurs clash

'We have no feet in the final'

Thomas Tuchel was quick to keep Chelsea grounded ahead of Wednesday night's second-leg Carabao Cup semi-final against Tottenham. Despite dominating at Stamford Bridge, a two-goal lead is a lot more slender than the first half deserved. The Blues could be punished for not taking their chances in that opening 45 minutes.

Chelsea 2-0 Tottenham: The one where Saul answered the call

Saul stepping up at the right time

Thomas Tuchel's Chelsea are now just 90 minutes away from another final. And while it may not have the gravitas of a European Cup, it is the first silverware of the season and creates a winning mentality. It will also be the first time since 2015 that a team not from Manchester will have their name on the trophy.

Chelsea 0-0 Tottenham: The one that was Roman Abrahmovich's 1000th match as owner

Legend

608 wins. 216 draws. 176 defeats. Five Premier League titles. Five FA Cups. Three League Cups. Three European trophies. Not a bad run for Roman Abramovich. It's only the tip of the iceberg for what he has brought to the club. From overhauling the training ground to building an academy envied by so many. The Roman Empire has reigned in London and long may it continue.

Tottenham 1-1 Chelsea: The one Eric Dier needed a poo

Never has the feeling of peaked too soon felt more apt than it did on Tuesday night. Everything seemed to fall right. Tottenham were to have an important Europa League clash just two days after this and Jose Mourinho openly admitted it was his priority. While you can write off his words as 'mind games' when the lineups dropped - he backed himself. Spurs started without a recognised striker.

Inside twenty minutes Timo Werner solidified is growing cult status amongst the Chelsea faithful to open the scoring in a well-worked goal. With the way he's performed since arriving at Stamford Bridge it feels suprising that this was his first goal for the club. If only the final whistle could have just been blown then. Spoiler... it wasn't.

Chelsea 2-1 Tottenham: The one Jose Mourinho returned to Stamford Bridge (again)

Master & Apprentice

A certain vociferous section at Stamford Bridge once again embarrassed the sensible majority. Jose Mourinho has moved on, you need to as well. If Chelsea aren't going to keep him employed - he's going to manage another club. And while it would have been nice of him to see out his days on the continent, he hasn't. Abusing the most successful manager in club's history isn't a good look. And if you really want to get under his skin, the best way would actually be playground rules - ignore him. No man loves attention more. He gives no ***** how he gets it.

Tottenham vs Chelsea: The one that saw the suit return

Hero

Without half the squad available due to injury, suspension and dodgy text messages — the last team Chelsea needed to face this week was the one with ‘the most points over the last two season’. Other trophyless titles are available. See also best offence and / or best defence in the country.

There were some glimmers of hope that were carefully placed in the papers and on your social media timelines. Mostly in the form of a tiny little Belgian magician who just happens to love a goal against Tottenham. Eden Hazard returned to full training for the first time this week and there was a chance that he could make the bench. He didn’t.

However, one of Chelsea’s other walking wounded not only got into the match day squad, but only found himself in the starting XI. Tiemoue Bakayoko would likely not have been risked if it had not been for Cesc Fabregas’ love of sarcasm. He looks like he still needs time to settle and sort out his knee. But there’s a lot of physical potential there to fill the Nemanja Matic sized hole.

Chelsea vs Spurs: The One That Spurs Quit Champions League For

Diego Will Stare Into Your Soul

Much has been made this week about European competition and the direct effect it has on domestic results. But what’s the point of fighting to qualify for a competition if you’re only going to whinge about being in it? Tottenham took it a step further and essentially chose a result at Stamford Bridge rather than continuing on in the Champions League.

What they hadn’t planned on was the result which they came away with. Even if they’d won, three points likely won’t make or break their season come May. But a mid-week mishap at Monaco would would mean the end of their Champions League campaign, so why prioritise the domestic game? Why give up Champions League to get a domestic result in hopes of — qualifying for Champions League?

Chelsea vs Spurs: The One Where Spurs Did Not Win The League

Oh haaaiiiiii 

While considered by many to be ‘small club mentality’ or a ‘cup final’ to celebrate a victory draw to the extent Chelsea did against Tottenham on Monday night - I’m not sure it really counts when a) it’s against Spurs and b) said team has had a few fair actual cup finals to celebrate. But most of the teams bemoaning that wouldn’t know about or remember their own club’s achievements.

And let’s be honest, Chelsea fans have had literally nothing to celebrate since lifting the league trophy a year ago. The post-season / pre-season hijinks. The transfer window - incomings and a certain scrum-capped outgoing. And then the season itself. The list goes on. The Chelsea faithful deserved to have a bit of fun at least once this season to celebrate a beloved former manager and get one over on a fierce rival.

Chelsea vs Tottenham: The One Where Tottenham Continued Being Spursy at Stamford Bridge

Everyone devastated about Matic's 1 match suspension

Although trying to get into Stamford Bridge last night was a special kind of hell with not all the gates functioning and a somewhat inebriated crowd - the payoff was worth it* for those who managed to survive the crush on the way in. Because Chelsea’s favourite guest was in the house last night and were as accommodating as ever.

Chelsea vs Tottenham: A Masterclass in Tim Sherwood

Samuel Eto'o: consummate performer/occasional goalscorer 

With Tim Sherwood preparing his squad by noting what a poor record they have at Stamford Bridge, what could possibly go wrong? Well, outside of the massive Champions League flag being displayed for those that travelled from the far reaches of North London it started fairly well for Sherwood FC. Vertonghen tormenter Torres had to pull out of the match due to problem in and around his bathing suit parts. And with no Chelsea player managing a goal after scoring a hat-trick this season, Spurs had to be chuffed that OAP Samuel Eto'o would be taking his place.

Fulham vs Tottenham: Behind Enemy Lines

Wrongly assumed I'd be sat next to Ron Jeremy

Sometimes a writer* has to go deep undercover to get the story, to bring the truth to the public. It can involve doing a whole manner of things which are out of character or simply horrifying to be a part of. Last night was that very moment for me. Being such a diligent employee responsible individual key contributor to the office it was impossible for me to abandon my duties in the middle of the week for a trip to the north east. Cheers to the clever clogs at the FA for that scheduling tour de force.

Despite my glamorous plans to watch Sunderland vs Chelsea through a dodgy internet stream completely upstanding methods, a free ticket was on offer for this glamour tie, and was even on the way home. When I opted to give up the comforts of my own home to stand in the cold with a co-worker for two hours, I was under the impression that it was going to be some sort of hospitality situation. Maybe some pre-match tipple and a bite before we all sit in cushioned reclining seats in the heart of Putney while The Berba stands next to us playing his pan flute ....

West Ham vs Chelsea: Hammers 0-2 Frank Lampard (& Oscar 1)

Jose: Forever Bursting Bubbles

For all the hype surrounding the 'friendly derby', the fact that Chelsea were away to West Ham seemed to fly under the radar. A completely sensible idea to have these supporters spend most of the day drinking before hitting up Upton Park … In no way was anyone more riled up from half the District Line being shut down causing absolute havoc for just about anyone trying to get to the ground.

Tottenham vs Chelsea: Cat Scratch Fever

Torres shows his appreciation for some great refereeing

There’s always a lot of anticipation when Chelsea goes to Tottenham and not just for those looking for a little slap and tickle. But with the return of Mourinho, and Villas Boas sticking around somewhere long enough to start a second season – all eyes were firmly planted on the technical area. It was all terribly master and servant with quotes being pulled from a year ago to heighten the excitement and constructed rivalry.

Chelsea's Loss is Thursday Night Cup's Gain

"Lost. But still winning sums up my career"

This space is usually reserved to question the tactics of the Interim One where he's made some creative decisions with the starting XI and the substitutions ... my god, the substitutions. A line up that features none other than Yossi Benayoun as the answer to the midfield dilemma would normally generate nothing but a lot of moaning. However, this was a team that ensured the tiny dynamic duo of Mata and Hazard could rest. This starting XI's only job was to not lose 2-0. But as they have done for most of the season under the Interim One's guidance, they came near as anyone could to c*cking the whole thing up.

English teams collectively decided that Champions League was overrated and Thursday Night Cup was where it was at. With three teams left to represent the best league in the world* it was all to play for. And two of those three teams certainly did. Chelsea was not one of the two. In fact, Chelsea were the only losing side last night and somehow - and by somehow I mean heading to Moscow with a sizeable lead - are the last man standing left to represent England in Europe for the second season running.

Benitez: Tinkering Himself Out of Future Employment as Chelsea lose to Saints

What's that smell? Definitely not integrity

Well the good news for Chelsea is that Rafa Benitez is definitely leaving at the end of the season. The bad news for Chelsea is that Rafa Benit... no, it’s still good he’s leaving. It’s bad news that he is very clearly choosing personal glory over what’s best for the club. Some may address the ‘could you blame him?’ trope. I like to call those people wrong. No surprise they are some of the same people were onside with Ferdinand’s vacation in Qatar rather than report for England duty.

When the lineup was announced, it was clear that players were being rested for Monday’s FA Cup replay with United, and that the league is in no way being prioritised. Ridiculous decisions all around. Normally sensible to rest Hazard after he played 180 minutes for Belgium mid-week, but with Mata out, he should definitely have started. Bentiez usually misses a trick by never starting Mazacar, two of the three members of this triumvirate should be first on the teamsheet week in and week out.

Handshakes, Gladrags and .. Batman - This Weekend in Football

The fallout from handshake gate continues ... or does it?

I can't say I was particularly looking forward to Chelsea's trip to Arsenal. Not for any concern of the result - but more for the possibility of a very flat match for my £62.

Last year the same fixture saw one of the dullest games I can recall and with both clubs coming out of Capital One cup matches and looking ahead to Champions League - this all had the stink of a gutless nil-nil game. I couldn't have had it more wrong. It's predictions like head that make my fantasy football team a dire failure year to year.

Chelsea Back to Winning Ways - in the League!

Transformers: Robots in Disguise

Goodbye weekends, hello football. The thief of any semblance of spare time or money has come back and robbed me. And by robbed me, given me some purpose as I leave my pub stool and lager for, well, a seat inside the ground and lager.* And it certainly didn’t fail to disappoint. Unless of course you are fans of QPR, Norwich, or Liverpool. Those three matches saw thirteen, THIRTEEN! goals from Swansea, Fulham, and West Brom. 

As shocking as that is, it gets even more dramatic. Steve Clarke somehow made an actual striker out of aimlessly large Romelu Lukaku. Not only did he score, but he caused trouble - and not just from standing around and being in the way. Too early to consider him for a position on my fantasy team? Or am I really trying to get you to put him in your fantasy league so I’ll win. Or am I writing this at a pub right now, and have lost all sense of what I’m actually saying? That’s SAF levels of mind games right there.

And in news, that's not really news at all from the Liverpool match. Joe Cole featured for 10 minutes before his hamstring gave up on him. Joe, go back to France. Your hamstring can thank me later.

Of course they weren’t the only ones in action, as friendly neighbours Tottenham and Arsenal were both in action. Not with each other... but you knew that already. AVB has started his campaign by sanctioning one of the few top players that he has which of course resulted him starting life in charge of Sp*rs with a 2-1 defeat at Newcastle. However, to no stranger to impressing supporters of the club he’s in charge of, AVB is weighing up Meireles and Chamakh! No really. It’s a subtle way of winning the Chelsea faithful back, showing them he really does have a sense of humour.

And the RAF from Chelsea Shot Them Down

Drogba: Superhero or European
Cup Winning Superhero?

So after football ended for just everyone else last weekend, there was still everything to play for this weekend for a certain little club in London. West Ham. They will now have the privilege of playing European Champions next season, so well done to the Irons. It’s quite an honour.

So with a plucky rag tag bunch of millionaires footballers literally against all the odds, Chelsea did the unthinkable and just went and won themselves the European Cup. Anyone who threw money on them when 3-1 down to Napoli could arguably find themselves in their own yacht next to Roman this summer - in Monaco. Putting his entire pay off on that bet was possibly the best thing AVB has ever done. Who’s really laughing now?

With John Terry removing himself from the penalty shootout whilst in Barcelona, he was still laboured with the task of the players available to RDM for team selection. How would he accomplish this? Typical Terry style team talks ahead of the match and half time? Maybe. Maneuvering his way into the technical area to shout at David Luiz until his curls fall out organize the defense? No. John Terry opted to inspire the team in his versatility of fashion choices. 

Terry has taken his time in the West End too far and had more costume changes than the cast of Wicked. Without actually being able to play, Terry opted to contribute to the occasion in case the actual match got a little dry. How? By living his entire match day through costume.

Terry began in his D&G suit, looking respectable as one expects upon arrival. The next time the camera panned to him, he had moved on to his CL Adidas warm up gear. Other sports good companies are available. And by the time the camera lost interest in Ribery’s shots going so wide that they are now in Frankfurt, he was in his kit. How he didn’t end up trading his shirt with Luiz Gustavo - or at least pretend he did so he could work his patented shirtless armband look while joining Lampard to lift the EUROPEAN CUP. Of course, with Lampard wearing the captain’s armband on the night, it could have created a really awkward moment.

Handbags & Gladrags: The Final Day of the Season

"LOOK AT ME" "NO, YOU LOOK AT ME"

Although the dailies have a tendency to embellish facts completely blow things out of proportion to sell papers build matches up to often disappointing results, this weekend did not let most down - unless you were a Chelsea / Blackburn / Everton / Liverpool... OK, there were in fact a lot of matches that at the end of the day, did nowt to the table. So opening with the highs and lows at Stamford Bridge this past weekend would amount to wondering what Lukaku’s actual age is purpose is parents actually fed him and is Cech’s son too young to fill in for Turnbull. The only regrets any Cheslea supporter could have after this weekend was that David Brent’s Steve Kean’s video did not surface twenty four hours earlier.

One of the greatest things to happen in a match has to be when a large number of supporters and players feel that they have scored a goal, run off to celebrate it, only to find out later it was denied. *cough* Andy Carroll *cough* ... The disappointed grumblings and sad little faces is amazing -- unless it’s my sad little face, in which case there is absolutely nothing funny about that. So, to my sheer sadistic delight, how great was it to have Manchester United supporters thinking they won the league six weeks ago and finding out two minutes later, that their ‘noisy neighbours’ had done the ‘impossible’ and won it. Scenes. This moment may top Nani’s tears when he failed the BGT audition as a Michael Jackson impersonator met Jamie Carragher’s boot.

The FA and the H-word

Secrets from SoHo Square

I trust, football aside that you all enjoyed a rather pious holiday with your family, and by pious, I mean, drank as much as you could humanly consume in light of the extended bank holiday weekend.

The highs and lows of Easter weekend:

Highs:

• Chelsea legitimately beating Wigan with no offside goals at all*
• Chocolate.
• Mario Balotelli.
• Ivanovic doing a Joey Barton impression circa 2010-11.
• Lampard becoming the first midfielder to reach 150 goals.
• Liverpool’s home form. *this of course may be moved to a weekend low if you are in fact a Liverpool supporter reading this*
• Sp*rs losing to Norwich. Fun for the whole family. *not to be moved to a weekend low under any circumstances.*
• John Terry playing with broken ribs.

Lows:

• Ashley Young’s audition for <insert ‘hilarious’ diving partner’s name here>
• Standard OT red card+sending off for a dive from an offside position.
• FA’s punishment scheme: racism < a couple of red cards.
• Hangover.
• Ivanovic facing a three-match ban.
• The emails I’m about to receive about Lampard’s deflected goals (don’t forget to mention that he’s fat too).
• FA’s rejection of Derry’s red card appeal. Will now face an extra match ban for questioning a decision made at Old Trafford. 
• No one thinking they’d do Terry a solid and consider stopping Dempsey. Good one.

And as we’re all about a good list today....

There were a number of decisions required by the FA this weekend. As tricky as this normally is for them, the amount of actual information provided to them proved too much. They have resorted to the Magic Eight Ball (other balls of prediction are available) for all decision making from this point forward. In that, some decision are correct, some are wrong and some they need to ‘concentrate and ask again.’ You decide what the Magic Eight Ball got right:

• Ivanovic charged with violent conduct for a naughty punch on Maloney.
• Shaun Derry’s ban upheld for ‘knocking over Young with his musk’ via @waatpies
• Balotelli not facing an extra six matches for showing Song his new boots.
• Young. Plays for United. Absolutely no decision.

On to next weekend and now the notorious scheduling of the FA Cup semi-final. After seeing what Chelsea and Tottenham have been producing on the pitch these past few weeks its pretty safe to assume that football will more than likely -not- be the winner. After Monday’s matches against Fulham and Norwich respectively, I’m pretty sure that they are doing what they can to ensure Newcastle finishes fourth. Newcastle! Fourth! With a mere five matches to go, it’s impossible to maintain the patronizing tone of them giving it a good go and waiting for it all to go Campo-shaped. They are looking the most likely to make it happen, and supporters in London will have to hope that someone there gives it a good go.

Further to *that* date and the scheduling of the FA Cup semi-finals, I’m pretty sure that performances against City and Sp*rs should have been -some- indication that Chelsea need all the help they could get ahead of a little matter of the Champions League. But that would make sense, something the FA is very resistant to. It does of course make perfect sense to send 60 000 Chelsea and Sp*rs supporters to Wembley giving them a hefty 7 or so hours of drinking before kick-off. In no way could this turn out badly. 

***

Hypocrisy (def): wishing someone to die and / or laughing at their mother being dead when you incorrectly perceive someone to have disrespected the deaths of others.

The standard overreaction of Liverpool an unnamed club’s supporters to an Arsenal supporter’s comments was shocking even by their standards. ‘Comedian’ Alan Davies apparently has risked his own life by suggesting that their should be a discussion available for Liverpool to play on the 15^th. As an Arsenal supporter, he definitely is not holding any pro-Chelsea bias, but raised some valid points, which should have generated a reasonable discussion. Sure, he could have worded things better, but I that goes with just about anything he says. Whether you agree or disagree that the dates could be reconsidered, the number of death threats he has received since that point has been appalling. I mean, if he deserves threats, it’s for calling himself a comedian.

Good luck to everyone heading to Wembley this weekend.

In my completely biased unbiased opinion, I hope Chelsea the best team wins.

jb xx

*the truth of that may have been stretched mildly for feel good purposes.