Chelsea vs Manchester United: Round 2

"Sure you'll score 3 vs United today. I believe you"

Note: any delays in the production of this match report have been in whole part due to the 'writer' having a sad about the possible exit of London fanboy, Juan Mata. Although not fully recovered from aforementioned sad, it would have been remiss of said 'writer' to not report on the joy that preceded the moody strop to which she has descended.

Although it may be Manchester United who get the last (beautifully bearded) laugh this week, it was Chelsea who took all three points this weekend. In no small way did this make the task for David Moyes a bigger challenge than it was to offload Anderson. And somehow, somehow he pulled that off. More impressive than the move was Anderson not breaking any aircraft weight allowances to get make it to Fiorentina.

Chelsea's Torrid Affair with Thursday Night Cup

We're in serious like - but not yet love

Dear Thursday Night Cup Europa League,

I can’t say that our continued affair right under the nose of your big brother would have lasted this long. We didn’t exactly get together in the best of circumstances. And if I’m being really honest, I was using you to make Champions League jealous after he so callously tossed us aside. Not that I’m annoyed that the honeymoon period was so short. (I am). But nevertheless, you’ve stayed with us even though, we have let ourselves go.

Chelsea v Steaua Bucharest: Torres Bleeding Blue*

"Woah. What do you mean this isn't Big Cup?"

The biggest shock in and around Stamford Bridge was not the ridiculous amounts of denim and zippers parading about but in the lineup. For one of the few times in his all to long tenure, Benitez looked to have picked a team that should have been up to the task from the get go. Some of us would not have rested Ivanovic, but nevermind. Mikel and Terry were restored to the starting lineup and it -should- have all gone smoothly. But with Chelsea, they never make anything easy on themselves, and the first half performance was a testament to that. After giving themselves a 2 goal hole to dig themselves out of this past weekend, why not do it all again?!?

A shocking number of supporters opted to give this one a miss. The Rafa effect finally taking hold? The fact that Chelsea have played more than some teams have played in a couple of seasons combined? But only twenty-eight thousand opted to take in Thursday Night Cup action at the Bridge last night. And with the large number of Romanians buying half and half scarves to try and sneak in the home stands and largely being turned away by those savvy stewards its amazing there was anyone in the ground at all to hear the stadium announcer welcome the visitors from the Czech Republic. You can imagine how ruffled that denim got upon hearing that. Oh, and then there was the match. 

Kicking Off the Europa League and Not In Style

Hazard: will not be judged for wearing gloves

The final sixteen would look a lot different in the very much respected somewhat revered Europa League if it weren't for a left footed shot in the dying seconds from a Belgian. Not one, but two of England's four clubs would have found themselves more than a little embarrassed at their progress towards European glory the Europa League tin cup.

Champions League: The Honeymoon is Over

Oh Champions League,

This is awkward. Our honeymoon period has been shorter than Britney and K-Fed’s marriage. Is it because I even know who Britney and K-Fed are? And technically, technically Champions League we’re still together. Until May! I’ve now had to update our status on Facebook to ‘It’s Complicated’. After such a long courtship (and the breakups), I thought surely you’d want us to stay together for more than the year.

Admittedly, I’ve let myself go a bit. Putting on a few extra pounds. Not fitting into the tight little black number that I used to. It’s not my fault that Dolce and Gabanna refuse to re-tailor it. And sure, I clearly made a muck of my wrongly coloured accessories. But somewhere deep down, I really thought that tie would draw your attention to what was on the pitch.

Look how happy we were together

But that’s all now. You really bailed on me long before that happened. In fact, I actually blame you for the current state of affairs. That’s right. This is your fault. I mean, I tried Champions League. Oh yes, I tried!! 

Munich was amazing. Best day of my life - and probably will be for some time to come. I thought I could keep the momentum going. People were in your ear that you were crazy to get together with me, that I was getting a bit rough around the edges - but you ignored them. But I thought I’d keep you happy and get a little nip and tuck. And what better way to keep the notion of temptation than to use The Garden of Eden (Hazard) as inspiration. And of course keep things really fresh with a brand new Brazilian. How could you resist?

But resist you did Champions League.

Barcelona: I Had This Perfect Dream...

The look of a man that knows - Terry
is with his bird. aka Bridgeface

Dear Champions League,

It’s been quite a year for the two of us since this:

http://cfc-jb.blogspot.co.uk/2011/04/que-sera-sera.html

Your words seemed hollow when I consider the history we’ve had together, but I have to say, you’ve really worked hard to win me over - despite a few bumps along the way. 

As always, you tried to woo me back in the heat of the summer by putting Chelsea into a group that seems fairly manageable. But by handing over groups to Manchester United and Barcelona that even an MLS team could beat was not really the way to go about winning me over. Realising your error in judgement, you really pulled one out. Unceremoniously passing on all of those minxes Manchester to your little brother - Europa League - was inspired.

Although, if we’re really thinking about doing this, I should mention that Europa League has been flirting with me pretty heavily. Not only did EL immediately also get rid of Manchester, and well, everyone else in England, but has also been flaunting the exotic locations that could be in my very near future. And not that I’m saying you should take a long hard look at yourself - but he doesn’t come as a package deal with ITV. Just a thought. 

In recent years, I may have let myself go a little, started to get a little complacent about my appearance and made some changes - just for you - despite my better judgement. I added some serious volume to my hair, some glorious highlights and worked some Dolce and Gabanna on the touchline like nobody’s business. But you threw it all back in my face in Italy. And it is this very behaviour that makes me distrust you. Lessoning the pain by embarrassing those tarts in North London was your only saving grace. But instead of looking at you - I looked within and changed again. For you. Why? Because I want a big f*ck off shiny trophy!! Sometimes I’m not sure...

The Team Least Likely To...

Proving he's -not- racist by offending
Fulham supporters.

Luckily I got caught up doing responsible adult like things* and did not get the opportunity to only look towards London’s final night out in the Champions League group stages - but now get the fun at looking at Manchester’s as well. More sniggering on that later.

Would it be completely immature of me to look back after Matchday 5 finished up? Sure it would. Am I going to do it anyways? I sure am! With only Arsenal securing their position in the knockout stages, things were technically precarious for the three remaining teams in England, but it was really only Chelsea who were presumed to be on their way to Channel 5. However, that little club in London managed to not only make it through, but topped their group. How could this happen when the mighty Casey had struck out Alex Ferguson had faltered?

Well, I’m not saying that Valencia were poor against Chelsea, but one of the pitch invaders to manage to dispossess their midfield of the ball. So.... there is that. However, it was really a culmination of ‘slap in the face’ goodness that managed to remind everyone why AVB is actually a very good manager with magnificent gravity defying hair. He allowed Valencia to tire their little legs out with possession while Drogba waited to pounce. 180 seconds counts as waiting, no? I'm sure I've been told this... (keep your minds out of the gutter....i mean it... )

Anyways, Didier definitely looked like his old self, and I’m sure this is in no way shape or form to do with any contract issues looming. Nor does the fact that he used Chelsea transfer listed papillion’s celebration after scoring his first. With Bosingwa thankfully unavailable, David Luiz was back at centre not rugby tackling anyone in the box. In fact, the only thing that was mildly out of control was his hair. Not to worry though, I’ve recommended an excellent conditioner to him.

In other news, that’s not actually news at all:

• Suarez did something offensive, tries to justify it
• Arsenal’s goal keeping is comic genius
• Mario Balotelli has upped his hilarious goal non-celebrations by preceding them with hilarious ways to score - headers are for suckers

jb xx

*in no way does this mean drinking**

**-maybe- it does...