John Terry: Trials and Tribulations

England's Loss. Chelsea's Gain.

I'm confused. If I'm being honest, not a feeling I'm unaccustomed to - but this whole John Terry affair (ahem) has really been the pinnacle of baffling behaviour. Not from him, not even from either Ferdinand no matter how childish their behaviour has been. I mean not only do I fully expect this of Rio - but would have been shocked if he had not been a petulant toddler throughout the fiasco.

But in a country that's meant to be about innocent until proven guilty - how is it guilty until proven not guilty ... And yet somehow STILL guilty? The mind boggles. I'm not here to say whether he did it or not, just that he was actually tried, in court, and they found him not guilty. They heard all the information and gave a verdict based on that. And if the FA find Terry innocent just as the courts had, the other Ferdinand could pursue a civil case. Which means Terry could literally be tried THREE times for the same incident.

One trial. One verdict.

The Morning After The Night Before

Balotelli's strenuous training regime was really
England's downfall.

Despite there being that terrifying moment of ‘logic’ that the expectations of a nation were so low that they had some how torn the space time continuum and actually turned into expectation again - we all know that at the end of the day, this was never going to be ‘the’ year for England. Comparing that rag-tag bunch of misfits to that of another team that happened to win the Champions League this year is too easy - and far too off the mark to be a viable comparison. There have been a number of questions about Chelsea’s season this past year - the answer was never to be found in Jordan Henderson.

Surely the ‘expectations were so low that England can succeed logic’ was the most ridiculous thing said about the England team? Right? RIGHT? No. Enter Mark Lawrenson. How this man gets paid to speak about anything, let alone football is beyond me. But telling a nation, unironically, that their best defender was a man who scored for Sweden after keeping everyone onside was really my Lawro-light of the tournament so far.

Yet, despite myself, I went into last night confident that England could and would in fact go out against Germany. How confident was I? Well, I was brimming with such confidence that I chose to be the other white meat in an Italian sandwich. It makes me slightly wistful for the first 15 minutes of last night’s match, when I smugly thought this may have been one of my best ideas to date. But as the clock ticked on I was reminded that I was still watching the same England that I always have done. Even one without promise, still came with promise. 

Fight the Power: Don Fabio Stands By His Man

Smoking a pipe (not a euphemism) and reading 

us all tales from Masterpiece theatre

Breaking News: Sir Howard of Webb has a shocker and it favours Manchester United. In other news, the sky is blue, the grass is green, and I may or may not be recovering from some sort of hangover.*

Doing the dignified thing and waiting until emotions were not running high, and I could again form a comprehensive sentence has caused somewhat of a delay in getting this published, but no matter. The kinetic forces of Jose Bosingwa and Howard Webb being on the pitch at the very same time ensured that Chelsea were never getting out of this fixture with a clean sheet. I’m sure a snowflake just got in Webb’s eye and he missed Danny Welbeck having a look down at Ivanovic’s foot before having a leap over it in a worse acting performance than even the last Underworld film brought into the world.

Before getting all riled up again, let’s all just sit back and remember *that* goal from our teeny tiny Spaniard. Yes, I even mean you United fans who continue to put yourself through reading this.... You’re all going to need this happy memory as it all gets a bit tetchy from here.

I’m not one to ever have a go at the press here or anywhere else, but the sensationalising / PC bollocks needs to stop. The booing at the end of the match was not booing the club, the players, the manager or anyone else except the spectacular performance of that bald headed ‘completely unbiased’ twat referee Tom Henning Overbo Howard Webb. But the commentary on the rest of the booing is the one far more concerning. Chelsea supporters booed Rio Ferdinand. So? How is this even a story? First, if this was about the race accusations, surely, it would have made far more sense to boo Anton last week at Loftus Road rather than save it for his brother. That aside, Rio’s a gobby c*&t who plays for a rival club (AND formerly of Leeds and West Ham fame!) who’s been disruptive and had negative things to say about the club’s captain? Black or white, that player is going to get booed. If there are going to be stories like this, why not take it a step further can complain of the xenophobia shown towards the sheep shaggers Welsh players like Bellamy or the booing Scholes got for also being a ginger twat gobby...OK, I’ll stop there. Ferdinand has been booed before and he’ll be booed again.

It’s not getting any prettier from here. There’s a elephant on your screen (and yes, *that* picture at the top DOES count). But it’s the reason for the booing, it’s the reason that JT was sat next to Ramires and hugging him on camera** John Terry seems to be having some sort of never ending Groundhog Day that we are all being subjected to. Last week a player was not going to shake his hand. This week he’s been stripped of the England Captaincy. It’s all SO very two years ago. I had a lot to say about it then and am tempted to just cut and paste my views from then. Although much of my vitriol was directed at Capello for being a puppet and caving to FA pressure for something he clearly did not want to do. So, because he’s finally found his own cojones I have to actually write something new.

I realise the FA has always rather someone else hold the captaincy whether it be someone who fails drugs tests, someone who shags granny prostitutes and their own English Rose, someone who assaults DJs on camera and has simply abysmal taste in music. I can see how NONE of these men would be a mar on England’s international reputation. Since they were so keen to see one of these men with the armband they should have leapt at the opportunity to strip JT of it four months ago. However, they have now waited until court dates have been set, ones that everyone knew would be delayed until the summer, and opted not only to strip him of captaincy but ensure no due process by laying down their own verdict. The FA in their continuing ineptitude have ensured that John Terry cannot have a fair trial as no juror in the country will have not heard and be prejudiced by their assessment of the situation. These are no longer “footballing reasons” (I’m looking at you Mr. Holt), these are issues which could impact the future life and career of a man. I’m sure a value held dear in this country is one of a man to be presumed innocent until proven guilty. Well done The FA you utter twunts.

Of course flicking the vee’s at them, outside of Stamford Bridge is of course Fabio Capello who not only believes in this principle, checked his own contract to see if he could over rule them. Failing that he’s taken to the press to let everyone know, armband or not, Terry is still his captain. Take that next one who has to actually wear the armband. Lucky for everyone Ferdinand graciously bowed out, in no way looking like a complete and presumptuous ass. As many of you other twitterites have, I too have ruled myself out as next England captain. I had as much chance of Ferdinand, and now knowing that Terry is Fabio’s one true captain, it just didn’t feel like the right time to take the armband. Instead I’ve opted to watch the game Michael Owen style - from my sofa.***

And if you’re still reading and want to think about something other than Chelsea, Manchester United, England, racism, well, you’re almost in luck. Luis Suarez returned to Liverpool’s lineup last night. For those of us who just could not be bothered with 3D, we got to hear him portrayed as some sort of returning hero as he nearly scored and it could have been a ‘fairy tale’ return. I’ve read a lot of fairytales in my day and at no point does any prince sit out of a quest as punishment for an accusation of racism. For those of you lucky enough to look like a twat in glasses while watching the game, the more accurate discussion of marred reputations was given. That of course is a sidebar to the actual contribution that was Suarez’ which was kicking Scotty ‘next captain of England’ Parker in the stomach in an attempt to prove he’s not racist, he’s just a dirty c%&t. But with that fixture as it was, the only thing that anyone will take away from it was the best player on the pitch all night was the cat who mugged off Sp*rs entire defence, showing Andy Carroll just how it’s done.

And in the imminent words of Chuck D and Flavor Flav ‘our freedom of speech is freedom or death’

Peace out

jb xx

* Howard Webb can safely be blamed for that one too.

** From the Sepp Blatter Handbook of ‘How to Not Look Racist’

*** Pub.

Racism 2 Football 0

Rosie is currently unavailable for comment.

Apparently there were some of you out there who were hoping ‘football was the winner’ over FA Cup Round 4. Anyone who managed to sit through the entire 90 minutes of QPR v Chelsea, knows that football was definitely not the winner. The match was such a tedious affair that there was a conspiracy generated that the clubs were asked to lull both sets of fans into some form of coma. Job done. If this were actually true, I’d like to know why they asked that of the clubs at Norwich v Chelsea. 

In other Chelsea news, Frank Lampard has been sending gift baskets to both Florent Malouda and Raul Meireles for making his case for him. With their current form and athletic prowess, they have guaranteed Frank the starting position that he had been demanding. Well done Florent and Raul. Enjoy the mini-muffins.

Of course, in all of this there’s been a shining star for weeks that I have been unceremoniously banned from speaking about on The Chelsea Football Fancast an unnamed podcast--David Luiz. For the ridiculous criticism that he continues to take from the tedious drones on MOTD unnamed pundits it really goes to show that it’s hard to get beyond a first impression. Sure AVB forces him to wear a little collar which zaps him with a little electricity if he wanders too far past the halfway line, but it’s proved a successful technique. 

And in honour of spicing up deadline day and following in the footsteps of the ‘great’ comebacks as of late: Henry, Scholes, Stone Roses (I know -- I don’t find any of these returns exciting either), Steven Pienaar has opted to return to Everton after his spectacular time at Sp*rs. It’s unclear if the bloke who handcuffed* himself to the Everton goalposts last night did this in honour of or protest to Pienaar’s return. 

Also making a statement of intent in regards to Pienaar’s return, Louis Saha has opted to leave the club after three and a half years to head in the opposite direction.

And for those of you who’ve been a little down about the weather, not to worry. Spring is around the corner. How do I know? The calendar? Far too conventional. Arsenal has suffered a long term injury. For those of you who expected RVP to be the first injured, and let’s be honest, even his teammates had money on that, you’re wrong. Jack Wilshere has welcomed in The Gunners spring by experiencing a stress fracture in his foot. He may or may not be back for the end of everyone else’s season. 

Reports from North London have not confirmed nor denied whether the injury was suffered by Wilshere tripping over a small dog and a subsequent deposit being made into an account by the name Rosie47. Gunnersaurus is set to investigate.

Roll on the weekend

jb xx


* I'd like those back by the way. 

Stand By Your Man - In Defence of Suarez

...as thoughts of Unicorns and rainbows
dance in his head...

After years of listening to people speak utter bollocks about football, it’s hard to believe I’m still so often surprised at what comes out of people’s mouths. I am admittedly in absolute awe at the streams of defense of one Luis Suarez. It literally boggles the mind what has been used by both club and supporters to blindly support the actions of a player. I’m all for unity, loyalty and that malarky, but it’s shocking what they think people will buy into.

Terms of Endearment. The obvious and most audacious defence to come out of Race Wars, Merseyside Edition was using *that* word as a warm and fuzzy comment to his opponent. I actually have no words for how ridiculous this was. I’m pretty sure no one is looking for a kiss and a cuddle in the midst of battle. And if there’s anything hip hop has taught us, it’s that *those* words are exclusive for millionaires pretending to ‘keep it real’ ....and that Jay-Z has 99 problems....

Unknowing Immigrant. I’ll let David Luiz’ prolific use of the word geezer stand here, but after spending 11 months in England and a further 5 years in Europe, Suarez cannot actually claim ignorance to language or cultural references.

Diversion. Classic defensive technique. But I’m afraid this one can only be used with Chelsea supporters. ‘He did it too‘ doesn’t really change anything does it? With Terry apologising and admitting his part, it’s different to the ‘I didn’t do it, I meant it affectionately, I’m sorry because I got banned‘ reply from Suarez.

Character Assassination. Another classic technique - to blame the victim. Evra is not the most likable of figures, just ask Domenech (or anyone with eyes and / or ears), but that doesn’t warrant Suarez blameless. And in no way is it hypocritical of Liverpool supporters to cite Evra’s past history of accusations, but openly say Suarez should not be judged on his previous long term ban / actual biting of people. And with those teeth, he’s lucky not to have been charged with assault with a deadly weapon.

Grandfather. The equivalent to a rapist’s excuse that he couldn’t possibly be a rapist as his mother was a woman.

T-Shirt Time. A fine moment in this drama. T-shirts in support of a man accused of racism worn by the entire team and management. This gesture may have been a little more poignant if the club was a little more on the diversified side of things.

Lost in Translation. Suarez wasn’t inconsistent, his translator was. I’m sure the translator was some mysterious ‘plant’ from Evra’s side only put in place to make Liverpool look bad.

Conspiracy Theory. ‘King’ Kenny and the things we don’t know and that he can’t tell us. Oh, man of mystery he is. So, there are things that could prove Suarez’ innocence, but no one wanted to share that with the panel or the public? Next he’ll try and tell me that Desperate Scousewives is classic and intelligently relevant programming and Alan Shearer is not the most inane and dull man in the world.

Shall We Sing a Song For You. I like to think of this as supporters showing the FA what racism -really- is all about, but I can’t help but love the excuse that these weren’t actual supporters but people planted by the FA to justify the charges of racism. Arguably the best of the bunch.

With so many of these fantastic excuses still knocking about, I’m sure I’ve forgotten more than a few. Feel free to share ones you’ve heard in those fancy comment boxes below. Or, better yet, come up with your very own excuse as to why Suarez shouldn’t have received a ban for a racist comment.

If I had any advice for Suarez, the club and it’s supporters would be just stop. Please. Wrong and strong is fun for a while, but the tedium of this could drive a girl to drink.*


Looking forward to the Downing edition of defence.

Peace out negritos 

jb xx

*which is something I, personally, do not advocate in any way, shape, or form.**

**in light of the theme of the day, I thought I’d also make audacious, implausible and barely believable statements.

Readers: "You know what you are, you know what you... "

Mario Fawkes: Now with extra
fire power.

You are people with too much time on your hands, or irresponsible employees looking to kill some time. Somehow, this doesn't seem quite as catchy as it started out... Anyways....

To quote the EoD in his finest eyebrow-iest glory, this is a “bad moment” for Chelsea. Not only have we lost two consecutive London derbies and drew with a team who’s away kit was designed by Victoria’s Secret (other pink pants companies are available). But we have now had more men dismissed than Kim Kardashian. RIP Kris Humphries bollocks career.

Coincidental that I have been suspiciously absent bathing in gin at the same time? There may have been a minor pity party. There were invitations for you all, and as you’ve left me to it, well, I can’t really be responsible for the mishaps in and around South West London. There may be fireworks, there may be a bathroom... it’s now on you lot.

Of course, leave it to Chelsea’s captain fantastic to save the day once again. To distract anyone from considering actual football / defensive lapses. (And by defensive lapses I mean someone who needs to divide and conquer his eyebrows more than Robbie Savage needs to seek help for his spray tan addiction). As you well now, JT is now fully embroiled in the race row that won’t die. Just because he requested to sit on the bench last night so he didn’t have to face Vanden Borre, doesn’t mean he has a problem. Of course the supporters did their part to continue this mass distraction of Chelsea’s poor footballing form by singing out of sheer boredom in support of Terry. Although the chants were also branded as racist, I’m afraid that Anton does in fact know that he is ... a Ferdinand. And despite the club’s protests, Ferdinand is in fact synonymous with c*nt. 

Chelsea’s supporters have been loving the spotlight this week and have made the news this week for more than their collective X-Factor audition in Belgium on Tuesday. Of course, the Pitch Owners succeeded in securing more than 30% of the vote to ensure that Stamford Bridge couldn’t have been dug up and re-emerge where some of Roman’s other ‘projects’ have re-emerged. *taps nose* As I’m hoping to not randomly turn up anywhere near spitting distance of the Black Dolphin prison, I’ll leave it at that. Anyways, there was more bra-burny type giddiness than when Raquel Welch made an appearance. (If you don’t know - look it up and can thank me later for the pictures). Anyways, it was all warm and fuzzy and by that I mean lager soaked and silly after. Obviously once everyone manages to sober up, there will be much more to come.

In other news of people who may want to consider moving, those near Mario Balotelli’s house in Cheshire may want to think about getting as far away from there as possible (if they haven’t done so already). If it weren’t bad enough that there houses stood a pretty substantial chance of being hit by a stray firework, Balo has now got himself a quad bike. But being Balo, he couldn’t just get a quad bike. No. He has only gone an excavated his entire back garden to give himself a proper quad bike track. People of Cheshire, do not say I didn’t warn you. 

And for those of you looking for something in addition to the final matches before the ever dreaded (and pointless ‘friendly’) International break, why not make your own effigy to Balotelli for Guy Fawkes night. Remember: take pictures or it never happened.

jb xx

Red Cards, Blue Shirts and 'Colour' Commentary

Mario Balotelli's Flying Circus

Deary me, another weekend another accusation of racism. I may be blatantly am a little bias here, but I think the parties aren't quite as sinister. We all know that Chelsea have a bit of a proper naughty captain, but he's not a complete div. He's not exactly going to say blatantly racist things to someone while Ashley Cole is right next to him. The one thing we can all take away from this? There are a phenomenal amount of lip reading experts on twitter. I now have a backup plan when I lose my hearing from going to one too many gigs.

Racist accusations aside, QPR's cup final was nothing if not interesting - for the neutrals. The home fans got to see there team manage to hold their own once Chelsea were reduced to 9 men. I know I'd certainly be giving it large to the away support seeing my team just barely manage to keep their one goal lead with 2 extra players on, plus the genius that is Tom Henning Overbo Chris Foy's refereeing tekkers. Good one Rangers.

Some of you out there may be wondering what Drogba was possibly thinking with *that* challenge. No disputing it was definitely a straight red. A fairly reliable source told me that it was one Gunnersaurus who convinced Drogba it'd be a good idea to be sent off. Arsenal need all the help they can get, and by preventing Drogba's guaranteed goal(s) against them this weekend, it puts them back on the level. How did this evil mastermind do this? Word on the street was he locked him in a room, plied his eyes open with toothpics and played a video of Torres' goals this season on a loop. Gunnersaurus is one sick Clockwork Orange loving mascot. Be afraid kids, be very afraid.

Facing rampant criticism from the genius that is Alan Hansen, David Luiz should carry that as a badge of honour. Never change DL, never change. You should be afraid when Hansen starts talking sense about you. Sure, your first half was a little dodgy, and you've now given up a fair few penalties, but you always more than make up for it. Central defender taking *that* overhead kick? All is forgiven you silly curly man.

Speaking of a bad day at the office, deary me SAF. Is there any whiskey or red wine left within the NW of England?? I could go on about the actual result, but why discuss actual fixtures and results when there are far better things to come out of that match. Mario Balotelli - comic genius. The appeal of the Christmas party he's planning just got better. I mean, just when you think he can't possibly he out do himself, he only goes and sets his house on fire. That's right. In the leadup to Sunday's derby, Mario put the darts away and thought it would be a great idea to set off fireworks out his bathroom window. Was it an early derby celebration? Or was this an early Guy Fawkes bonfire? Only Mario really knows.

How could Mr Balotelli possibly top such comic follies on a Friday evening? By revealing his "Why Always Me Shirt?" after scoring the opening goal at Old Trafford on Sunday. For a man who wears diamond encrusted shorts, a shirt with some naff hand writing with a sharpie just won't do. Mario bribed charmed City's kit man into making that shirt up for him. Expect to see them on sale next to the bluffer's guide to City any day now.

Roll on the Carling Cup - I know you're all on the edge of your seats unless of course you got embarrassed in the last round. Then of course no one wants to win this anyways.

jb xx

ps. I would be remiss in congratulating Petr Cech for being the only player in Chelsea's starting XI on Sunday to not receive a card from Tom Henning Overbo Chris Foy.