Chelsea 5-1 Chesterfield: The one with a CHO worldie and academy debut

Lewis Hall - a star was born

Chelsea cruised into the fourth round of the FA Cup following professional win over National League leaders Chesterfield at Stamford Bridge on Saturday afternoon. It took just six minutes for Timo Werner to get the Blues on the scoresheet - and from that moment forward, the match was only ever going to go one way.

Barnsley 0-1 Chelsea: The one where Tammy Abraham played striker and defender

The Cobham Connection: James + Abraham

Not sure if it was mentioned at all this week across FA Cup and Premier League games, but it's been a bit cold across the UK. So cold that apparently Allison forgot how to be a goalkeeper in Liverpool's defeat to champions-elect Manchester City. And it also has given pundits up and down the country something to chat about when the match isn't very good. See Thursday's game at Barnsley or Manchester United's extra-time atrocity against West Ham.

Chelsea 4-0 Morecambe: The one where Kepa kept a clean sheet

Everyone needs Mason Mount in their lives 

When the lineups dropped on Saturday ahead of kick-off, the crazy once again erupted out of some of you. I'm not going to say it's the same ones who've been calling for Frank Lampard's head and think we should be winning the league with a new squad by Christmas. But probably those people. The issue this time appeared to be that youth had been abandoned for a strong team. How dare 'youngsters' not get a chance against League Two's Morecambe.

I'm going to let out a sigh and have a coffee and address how problematic this is - beyond clogging up my Twitter timeline with a bunch of whingers who will literally never be happy with Chelsea. And probably with life.

Chelsea 2-0 Liverpool: The one cup game Jurgen Klopp attended

You. Shall. Not. Pass.

Frank Lampard edges closer to his first trophy as Chelsea manager with a big win on Tuesday night. After a questionable run of results to start the year, the Blues have seen off Liverpool to book a date at Leicester in the FA Cup quarter-finals.

The boss made six changes to the team that limped to a 2-2 draw on Sunday. Personally I'm not usually a fan of that number of changes for a cup game but after the performance at the weekend it was obvious the team needed a shakeup.

Saints vs Chelsea: The one that sent Chelsea to another final

Saints left on the floor at the sight of Giroud's nips

Antonio Conte has lead Chelsea to their second FA Cup final in as many years. While some of the warm and fuzzies that he cultivated last season may have waned throughout this season, it’s still a great feeling to reach another final. Setting up some intense ‘narrative’ which will go head to head with the Royal Wedding. I have no doubt that Jose Mourinho and Antonio Conte will play their parts to ensure the limelight is firmly planted on Wembley come May 19th. Sorry Ginge Prince (and that girl from Suits).

Leicester vs Chelsea: The one that saw improper footballers in action

Do not be alarmed. Chelsea have only gone and done a win. In a meaningful game no less. And just to keep it all really interesting the players were forced to play against the power of the tracksuit. It’s not quite turning things around at Camp Nou to progress in the Champions League - but it is a semi-final at Wembley. I will take it! So you lot can stop grumbling about the season and get yourselves up for it. Chelsea are 180 mins away from potentially lifting a trophy at the end of this season.

Some takeaways from Sunday’s game in varying degrees of usefulness as we look ahead to the end of the season

Chelsea vs Newcastle: The one that made a case for playing Batman

Who's lives in a pineapple under the sea...

After Chelsea took 210 actual minutes to earn themselves a penalty shootout against Championship mid-table stalwarts Norwich City in the Energy Drink Cup, it was really anyone’s guess how they would fare against a Premier League side in the better domestic cup competition. Even if that Premier League side was Newcastle. 

After watching Tottenham struggle against Newport County and Liverpool exit at the hands of Alan Pardew’s side, it was up to Chelsea to keep the FA Cup fun going (not for you neutrals. For me, you heathens). They have very much been their own worst enemy this season. But there was reason to be positive before the game.

Everton vs Chelsea: The One When Costa Fell in Love & Terry Was a Striker

Love is all around

After starting Wednesday's game against PSG with Chelsea's strongest (available) XI and it resulting in a loss, Guus Hiddink was going to take no chances on Saturday with his impervious domestic unbeaten run. Hiddink rekindled a partnership more uncomfortable than Jerry Hall and Rupert Murdoch - yes, Nemanja Matic and John Obi Mikel found themselves together again.

Rather than bang on about how the combination effectively reduces the effectiveness of either yet again I’ll just leave you with the results which Chelsea have incurred when they have started together

Chelsea vs Scunthorpe: A Win, A Clean Sheet and The Youth

That FA Cup Life

Saturday saw Guus Hiddink and the FA Cup reunited - as if it were meant to be. But with an hour until kick-off, he quickly found out he was damned if he did and damned if he didn’t with the eleven who would make the cut for the starting lineup.

Hiddink was facing an uphill battle with the ‘play the youth’ crew. They were expecting an average age of foetus to start against League One side Scunthorpe. Only to be slapped in the face by one of the strongest teams Chelsea could have fielded.

It’s essential to the progress of the team as a whole that youth team products do get an opportunity to play in actual games rather than simply testing themselves against their peers. But they need to be integrated into the team rather than all thrown in at once with the pressure resting souling on their shoulders. They're still growing boys. As it stands, Hiddink chose the right side to start - and not just because they did their jobs and got the win.

City v Chelsea: When Aguero Met Luiz' Buttock

Oh hi David Luiz' bum

With replay after replay, Chelsea somehow found themselves back and Wembley in the FA Cup. Could the magic of the Cup and new Wembley be enough to trump Rafa? Er, no. No it could not. No magic or luck is powerful enough to battle yet another dodgy lineup. The interim one was the first of many a manager to drop both Frank Lampard and John Terry from a semi-final or final since 2006. And we all know how well that worked out for him.

If anyone has any idea what the tactics were to have Chelsea's diminutive midfield pitted against the juggernaut that is Yaya Toure without any girth themselves, I'd love to hear it. Mystifying choice beyond the fact that Lampard played on Thursday. Either way you cut it, you need both an experienced man and sizeable character if you're going to stop Toure.

Chelsea's April Fool Manages To Put United Out of Another Cup

May As Well Have Been In Qatar for this One too

In true holiday spirit, Rafa Benitez tried to resurrect the possibility of anyone considering him a viable option at their club next season by putting all his eggs into one giant Budweiser sponsored FA Cup shaped basket. He made this abundantly clear in the lineup selected for Chelsea’s league match against Southampton. He wants a trophy to attempt to continue the mystique of his insightful tactics. But maybe even more than advancing further in the Cup, Benitez was trying to get one over on his favourite frenemy ‘the manager of Manchester United.’ Chelsea managed to put United out of one cup this season - will it be two? And is that more important to Benitez than winning any himself?

Benitez: Tinkering Himself Out of Future Employment as Chelsea lose to Saints

What's that smell? Definitely not integrity

Well the good news for Chelsea is that Rafa Benitez is definitely leaving at the end of the season. The bad news for Chelsea is that Rafa Benit... no, it’s still good he’s leaving. It’s bad news that he is very clearly choosing personal glory over what’s best for the club. Some may address the ‘could you blame him?’ trope. I like to call those people wrong. No surprise they are some of the same people were onside with Ferdinand’s vacation in Qatar rather than report for England duty.

When the lineup was announced, it was clear that players were being rested for Monday’s FA Cup replay with United, and that the league is in no way being prioritised. Ridiculous decisions all around. Normally sensible to rest Hazard after he played 180 minutes for Belgium mid-week, but with Mata out, he should definitely have started. Bentiez usually misses a trick by never starting Mazacar, two of the three members of this triumvirate should be first on the teamsheet week in and week out.

Rafa Benitez: Mad Rant or Clever PR Strategy

It's not me, it's them.

It has to be said that whether you support Chelsea or not, last night’s rant on 5Live made for seriously entertaining listening - a rarity on that program. But as a match with West Brom looms large, Rafa Benitez reached a breaking point. Losses to West Brom became the moment of truth for both Villas-Boas and Di Matteo. So would be a fitting end to Benitez' reign of apathy. Rafa has been not stranger to a good rant in the past, so it shouldn’t have surprised many that he had another one brewing just under the surface.

Before the man himself kicked off last night, there's been a lot said and written about the treatment of this poor millionaire by the people who pay to see the fruits of his labours. A lot of those seem to think the unrest should not be directed at this man, who again receives a very heft pay cheque, but to the man that hired him. How dare Chelsea supporters not turn on a man who has spent billions of his own money to improve the club and the academy. Ingrates really. The cash influx is not the only reason that Chelsea supporters have not turned on Abramovich. 

Supporters would definitely like a decent manager to stay longer than it takes for a spot to clear up, but it's not the current culture ... mostly because of the success the turnover has seen. Each interim manager has been progressively more successful with last year's model winning both the FA Cup and that big shiny trophy. Those with any sense know that no matter how cringey the decision is (the sackings of Mourinho, Ancelotti and RDM to name but a few), he's not doing it with a disregard for the club or its supporters - he is trying to do what's best, even if that best is misguided by the clowns on Chelsea's board. The appointment of Benitez was arguably one of the worst decisions that has been made. But it wasn't a move out of spite - it was one to try and get a certain be-freckled striker, well, striking again. And we all know how well that's worked out for them.

Is the Writing on the Wall Yet for Benitez? And does it say F*ck Off?

Terry: did not care to warm up and watch
from the bench.

It would have been a fitting end to his tenure at Chelsea, however it seems that Benitez has still managed to not be handed his P45 after what can only be described as an affair as limp* on the pitch as Raheem Sterling's wrist. *Other adjectives for the European Champions performance could include but are not limited to: turgid, abysmal, flat ... poo.


Since his opening match against City where both clubs drew to a 0-0 draw attempting to bore the 40,000 at Stamford Bridge into a comatose state, one would think that Benitez in all his tactical prowess would have bothered learning a thing or two about, at minimum, his opposition. Fielding an extremely defensive lineup against a team missing their best defender? Brilliant. It's almost like it was a lineup from a man who would make pointless substitutions in the 80th minute.

Even Frank Lampard, who's not put a step wrong since his campaign to embarrass the club into a (deserved) contract extension began missed his penalty. It was just not going to go Chelsea's way on Sunday, but they could have at least acted like they cared, if (and definitely) not for the 'manager', but for the fans, for each other, for the pay cheques they are only too happy to collect. The fight is gone on and off the pitch at the moment. Not to take anything away from City, but that was a display that anyone would probably like to extract from their memory. I may or may not have opted to drink until I could not feel feelings.

Magic of the Cup Lost on the Daytrippers at Stamford Bridge

Brining a tuna sandwich to a press conference
is also just taking the piss

Another FA Cup weekend done and dusted. Time to reflect on the ‘magic’ of it. Because what would the FA Cup be without constant inane chat of magic? Matt Smith’s goal that just about avoided being a handball from a keeper who forgot what box he was in was as close as it got this weekend. Arsenal’s loss to Blackburn wasn’t so much magic as it was comedic genius. Only made better by arguably one of the best press conferences Arsene Wenger has ever given. If you haven’t had a chance to see it or read the transcript, do yourselves a favour.

Third Round of the FA Cup ... Before all the Replays Arsenal and United

When Frank went up to lift the FA Cup...
Sign him up!!

Magic of the cup... cupset ... er, insert generic footballing cliche here. Thought I’d get them all out of the way before I bang on about some of the high and lowlights from the latest edition of Budweiser’s Third Round of the FA Cup. Other poor American lagers are available. The highs, the lows, the hands .... We had it all.

Southampton v Chelsea

Chelsea scored 5 goals, 2 from the new boy in town. Sound familiar? It’s all so 2010. Demba Ba has taken his role as Sturridge’s replacement very seriously and began his Chelsea career in the exact same manner. Chelsea supporters of course will be hoping that he plays a bit better with others and learns the fine art of passing as well as poaching.

QPHa Ha Ha ... But This Time the Joke is on Chelsea

"I don't know how it happened either.
I just told them to go out and run around."

Hindsight is twenty twenty and all that, but no one needed hindsight to realise the team that the interim manager had selected was not going to be up to the task - even against bottom feeders QPR. It was remiss of said interim manager to look at QPR’s points tally only - as it wasn’t even half the picture.


The reality is Chelsea do not have the depth of squad they once possessed and do need to rotate if they are to remain competitive. Brilliant. But when you’re taking on a team that have only conceded eight goals on the road this season, it might have made some sense to consider an attacking minded lineup to get past that parked bus. Call me crazy, and I know you often do, but it seems pretty simple.

Combine that with the fact that Chelsea have a FA Cup match against a team that concedes loads of goals, and therefore could field a defensive team with some fresh faces .... And if the interim manager didn’t want to quite go that far, surely Mata or Hazard should have started while the other was rested. All thoughts and possibilities that surely would have had an outcome better than last night.

In and Out: The Power of a Semi

Step 1: Celebrate Step 2: Never Look Back

Today’s blog will be brought to you by the letter’s G and T. Captain Morgan sends his regards and apologies for being the main culprit in the tardiness, and in effect, irrelevance of some of the following comments. With buildup like that, how could you not read on?

FA Cup Semis

I would discuss Saturday’s match, but with its insistence upon itself and the date to which it is played, I will bypass it. That, and I neglected to watch the match.

On to the London Derby! Or as I like to call it, El Clasico: London Edition if you will. After a great deal of build up and questions as to whether this set of supporters could remain well behaved after drinking for several hours before heading into Wembley, they seemed to manage. This of course is a broad definition of what one considers good behaviour. There was of course the little matter of the moment of silence - or the moment when Chelsea supporters decided they would ensure the FA would actually hear them. Thankfully, quick thinking television directors thought it would in no way seem suspect to cut away from the stadium to a moody shot of a candle flame. Thankfully, the gem that is YouTube has provided an excellent alternative to viewing the rumblings of thousands and thousands of supporters a ‘handful’ of fans.

And of course, if that wasn’t fun enough, there was of course *that* ‘goal’. Let’s all just pause for a moment and all laugh at Sp*rs. You know you want to. Go on....

Sure, in no way, shape, or form did that ball even touch the line, unless of course that line is John Terry’s arse (more on that to come...). However, what everyone has learned from this is, if you immediately celebrate a goal, it’s a sure way to convince the referee that it is in fact a goal. But can anyone really blame Martin Atkinson? (Spurs fans don’t count - ever). After seeing the joy on little Juan Mata’s face, it’d be impossible to rule his goal out. His little face was lit up, and left Atkinson with no choice. If he taken that away from Mata, it would have been like kicking a puppy.

John Terry’s Defensive Duties

Dear John Terry,

I know you’re all about proving yourself. But it is not YOUR job to defend everyone’s goal. Only Chelsea’s. I know it becomes confusing when you see Cudicini and Gallas, I accept that. But no more. You only have to defend the man in the little hat. That is not a euphemism.

Sincerely,

jb xx

Chelsea v Barca

According to just about everything written in the buildup to this match, Barcelona and their beautiful football should not have had to lower themselves to actually playing this match as they’d already won it, and it was beautiful. Tears were shed. Take a moment here to feel the emotional gravity of the beauty in their beautiful game with their pint size Jesus. Go on. Maybe it would help if I cut to a moody candle? No?

Outraging the press everywhere, Chelsea had the audacity to not allow free flowing attacking football to overpower them. How dare they? I hope that Chelsea are taking a long hard look at themselves right now. The cheek of Ashley Cole actually trying a little back heel pass of his own, and then tracking back to clear a goal of the line. What an absolutely terrible human being. And in other players beating Barcelona at their own game, Drogba utilizing his comedic timing to do his best imitation of most of La Liga - the horror. The irony of Barcelona making complaints about the injustice of it all was arguably one of the best things that has ever happened in the history of time.

What can one take away from all of this?

In football, just like in life, all that matters is if you get it in.

(or not in the case of Mata - but that would just have trampled my own point)

jb xx

The FA and the H-word

Secrets from SoHo Square

I trust, football aside that you all enjoyed a rather pious holiday with your family, and by pious, I mean, drank as much as you could humanly consume in light of the extended bank holiday weekend.

The highs and lows of Easter weekend:

Highs:

• Chelsea legitimately beating Wigan with no offside goals at all*
• Chocolate.
• Mario Balotelli.
• Ivanovic doing a Joey Barton impression circa 2010-11.
• Lampard becoming the first midfielder to reach 150 goals.
• Liverpool’s home form. *this of course may be moved to a weekend low if you are in fact a Liverpool supporter reading this*
• Sp*rs losing to Norwich. Fun for the whole family. *not to be moved to a weekend low under any circumstances.*
• John Terry playing with broken ribs.

Lows:

• Ashley Young’s audition for <insert ‘hilarious’ diving partner’s name here>
• Standard OT red card+sending off for a dive from an offside position.
• FA’s punishment scheme: racism < a couple of red cards.
• Hangover.
• Ivanovic facing a three-match ban.
• The emails I’m about to receive about Lampard’s deflected goals (don’t forget to mention that he’s fat too).
• FA’s rejection of Derry’s red card appeal. Will now face an extra match ban for questioning a decision made at Old Trafford. 
• No one thinking they’d do Terry a solid and consider stopping Dempsey. Good one.

And as we’re all about a good list today....

There were a number of decisions required by the FA this weekend. As tricky as this normally is for them, the amount of actual information provided to them proved too much. They have resorted to the Magic Eight Ball (other balls of prediction are available) for all decision making from this point forward. In that, some decision are correct, some are wrong and some they need to ‘concentrate and ask again.’ You decide what the Magic Eight Ball got right:

• Ivanovic charged with violent conduct for a naughty punch on Maloney.
• Shaun Derry’s ban upheld for ‘knocking over Young with his musk’ via @waatpies
• Balotelli not facing an extra six matches for showing Song his new boots.
• Young. Plays for United. Absolutely no decision.

On to next weekend and now the notorious scheduling of the FA Cup semi-final. After seeing what Chelsea and Tottenham have been producing on the pitch these past few weeks its pretty safe to assume that football will more than likely -not- be the winner. After Monday’s matches against Fulham and Norwich respectively, I’m pretty sure that they are doing what they can to ensure Newcastle finishes fourth. Newcastle! Fourth! With a mere five matches to go, it’s impossible to maintain the patronizing tone of them giving it a good go and waiting for it all to go Campo-shaped. They are looking the most likely to make it happen, and supporters in London will have to hope that someone there gives it a good go.

Further to *that* date and the scheduling of the FA Cup semi-finals, I’m pretty sure that performances against City and Sp*rs should have been -some- indication that Chelsea need all the help they could get ahead of a little matter of the Champions League. But that would make sense, something the FA is very resistant to. It does of course make perfect sense to send 60 000 Chelsea and Sp*rs supporters to Wembley giving them a hefty 7 or so hours of drinking before kick-off. In no way could this turn out badly. 

***

Hypocrisy (def): wishing someone to die and / or laughing at their mother being dead when you incorrectly perceive someone to have disrespected the deaths of others.

The standard overreaction of Liverpool an unnamed club’s supporters to an Arsenal supporter’s comments was shocking even by their standards. ‘Comedian’ Alan Davies apparently has risked his own life by suggesting that their should be a discussion available for Liverpool to play on the 15^th. As an Arsenal supporter, he definitely is not holding any pro-Chelsea bias, but raised some valid points, which should have generated a reasonable discussion. Sure, he could have worded things better, but I that goes with just about anything he says. Whether you agree or disagree that the dates could be reconsidered, the number of death threats he has received since that point has been appalling. I mean, if he deserves threats, it’s for calling himself a comedian.

Good luck to everyone heading to Wembley this weekend.

In my completely biased unbiased opinion, I hope Chelsea the best team wins.

jb xx

*the truth of that may have been stretched mildly for feel good purposes.