Red Cards, Blue Shirts and 'Colour' Commentary

Mario Balotelli's Flying Circus

Deary me, another weekend another accusation of racism. I may be blatantly am a little bias here, but I think the parties aren't quite as sinister. We all know that Chelsea have a bit of a proper naughty captain, but he's not a complete div. He's not exactly going to say blatantly racist things to someone while Ashley Cole is right next to him. The one thing we can all take away from this? There are a phenomenal amount of lip reading experts on twitter. I now have a backup plan when I lose my hearing from going to one too many gigs.

Racist accusations aside, QPR's cup final was nothing if not interesting - for the neutrals. The home fans got to see there team manage to hold their own once Chelsea were reduced to 9 men. I know I'd certainly be giving it large to the away support seeing my team just barely manage to keep their one goal lead with 2 extra players on, plus the genius that is Tom Henning Overbo Chris Foy's refereeing tekkers. Good one Rangers.

Some of you out there may be wondering what Drogba was possibly thinking with *that* challenge. No disputing it was definitely a straight red. A fairly reliable source told me that it was one Gunnersaurus who convinced Drogba it'd be a good idea to be sent off. Arsenal need all the help they can get, and by preventing Drogba's guaranteed goal(s) against them this weekend, it puts them back on the level. How did this evil mastermind do this? Word on the street was he locked him in a room, plied his eyes open with toothpics and played a video of Torres' goals this season on a loop. Gunnersaurus is one sick Clockwork Orange loving mascot. Be afraid kids, be very afraid.

Facing rampant criticism from the genius that is Alan Hansen, David Luiz should carry that as a badge of honour. Never change DL, never change. You should be afraid when Hansen starts talking sense about you. Sure, your first half was a little dodgy, and you've now given up a fair few penalties, but you always more than make up for it. Central defender taking *that* overhead kick? All is forgiven you silly curly man.

Speaking of a bad day at the office, deary me SAF. Is there any whiskey or red wine left within the NW of England?? I could go on about the actual result, but why discuss actual fixtures and results when there are far better things to come out of that match. Mario Balotelli - comic genius. The appeal of the Christmas party he's planning just got better. I mean, just when you think he can't possibly he out do himself, he only goes and sets his house on fire. That's right. In the leadup to Sunday's derby, Mario put the darts away and thought it would be a great idea to set off fireworks out his bathroom window. Was it an early derby celebration? Or was this an early Guy Fawkes bonfire? Only Mario really knows.

How could Mr Balotelli possibly top such comic follies on a Friday evening? By revealing his "Why Always Me Shirt?" after scoring the opening goal at Old Trafford on Sunday. For a man who wears diamond encrusted shorts, a shirt with some naff hand writing with a sharpie just won't do. Mario bribed charmed City's kit man into making that shirt up for him. Expect to see them on sale next to the bluffer's guide to City any day now.

Roll on the Carling Cup - I know you're all on the edge of your seats unless of course you got embarrassed in the last round. Then of course no one wants to win this anyways.

jb xx

ps. I would be remiss in congratulating Petr Cech for being the only player in Chelsea's starting XI on Sunday to not receive a card from Tom Henning Overbo Chris Foy.

The Sun is Shining - Safe for One John Terry to take a Penalty

Gunnersaurus -knows- he's better than Koscielny... begs
to play. He doesn't want to be the Michael Owen
of mascots

Well, in all of Sky’s infinite wisdom they opted Liverpool’s trip to Brighton in the third round of this year’s Cup that doesn’t matter unless you’re actually in the final or Arsenal the ever prestigious Carling Cup. Although at this late stage i.e. well after the matches are done and over analyzed to within an inch of their little lives - you know that unless you were in a stadium somewhere, you probably didn’t get to see your club.

So, I’ll make it my responsibility to help out the Chelsea and Fulham supporters alike who didn’t get to the Bridge - or some dodgy internet feed to see the match. Spoiler alert: it went to penalties.

This of course means that the match must have been a ridiculously close affair. At least that’s what I’ve been told by a number of people who:

1. support other clubs
2. were not at the Bridge
3. did not even see the match
4. probably did not look at a match report
5. drink heavily*

Really they’re like a gossipy bunch of nans. No one has seen it, but everyone has an opinion on the matter that they will share with anyone stuck within earshot and they smell of gin.

Now, before I enlighten you annoy you with my waffling on about Chelsea's play, I will say that Jol has made a world of difference to Fulham. I mean, their supporters are all *hard* now with rumours of them invading the Bridge with balloons and confetti at hand (yes - I do in fact believe everything I read on twitter). There was in fact 3 balloons floating around the Shed End in the first half. So, it was nice that each of their supporters did in fact bring one. Towards the end, there was in fact more stewards protecting the Shed End banner that ‘mysteriously’ was up in their end than in the entire rest of their section. Good to know the stewards do have their priorities straight.

On with the match. Open end to end play, although, how Chelsea failed to score in the first 45 minutes let alone the remaining 120 is beyond me. Fantastic outings from McEachran (not surprising at all) and Romeu who arguably was man of the match for me. Alex pulled a bit of a naughty early in the second half so will now only be appearing in the CL for the next little while.

Once the game reached extra time it was clear that Fulham was playing for penalties. Fair play to them. When anyone plays a team that’s won ONCE in twelve years and have one of the post infamous penalty takes in a final ever, it’s an ingenious move. Not only that, but with Cech sustaining injury they’d get to take their penalties against Ross Turnbull. I’d basically have fancied my own chances out there.

To say there was a bit of tension in the air is akin to saying that Andy Reid kind of likes pie and mash and battered sausages and... oh, nevermind. You get the picture - collective held breath, squeaky bum, and all that bollocks. I’d like to tell you I was positive, but with Cech out and our penalty man stepping up and immediately having his saved - well, in that moment I was just happy to be their but fully resigned to the inevitable outcome. But I’m big enough to admit when I’m wrong. I mean, it happens so little** I don’t mind a moment of eating humble pie.

$^&%&^ gah....sorry readers, it appears that Andy Reid thought I had actual pie and interrupted me here.....

....back to me being wrong...although, my man of the match was easily Romeu, despite some more brilliant play from David Luiz both on the pitch and to the crowd - biggest surprise of the night was not John Terry’s brilliant penalty take (thank YOU weather) - but one Ross Turnbull.

Dear Ross,

We’ve definitely had our ups and downs. It all started so well for the two of us. I mean, when you were Boro’s number one, you were in fact my number one. Yes, before Joe Hart became Grenade Free FC’s number one in Fantasy Football, you in fact lead my team to top of the table. And for that, I was grateful - even pleased you turned fantasy football into reality by heading down to London town to fill the gaping hole left by Carlo Cudicini (clearly in football terms as Cech’s backup alone).

Things definitely took a turn for the worse. I suppose we made you a bit nervous. You lost control of the box and were found off your line more times than John has been caught by Toni. I realise I should have had more faith in you. I reverted to childish name calling (but let’s be honest - Turnbollocks is quite funny).

Yes. I may or may not have threatened to walk out at kick off if you were starting when I saw you warming up. But tensions were high enough. Anything crossed near you makes me feel a little funny - and I don’t mean that in a good way. I even had to take a little seat when you started to warm up for injured big Pete. 

Even after you came up with some brilliant reflex saves that got us through to the penalties, I still had no faith in you. You proved me wrong. Not only were your saves great, but to come up with a save in the shoot out was absolutely brilliant.

So, let’s make up. I’ll not threaten to walk out and I’ll stop covering my eyes when the ball gets into our end if you stay on your line. Deal?

JB

Now for the REAL letter:

Dear Crossbar,

Thanks for being awesome on Wednesday night. Both of your penalty saves were some of the best I’ve seen and I thank you for getting Chelsea through to the next round.

Love always (unless you leave us like that tart Own Goal did)

jb xx

Also, a belated congratulations to Arsenal on becoming Blackburn’s highest scorer this season and to Owen Hargreaves for not tearing his hamstring when he was tying his laces up for Manchester United City. 

And with a brace against the mighty Leeds, apparently, Michael Owen has put himself in the frame according to those gossipy nans football ‘experts’ for an England recall. So his club manager, you know that guy, the one that sees him every day in training, hasn’t felt he’s up to snuff to start against the likes of West Brom - what does he know? This should be the man leading our country on to Euro Glory.....

Roll on the next round and the weekend!

jb xx

* ok, maybe that last one was me - but the other points do all still stand.

** sshhh....let me just have it this time