Handshakes, Gladrags and .. Batman - This Weekend in Football

The fallout from handshake gate continues ... or does it?

I can't say I was particularly looking forward to Chelsea's trip to Arsenal. Not for any concern of the result - but more for the possibility of a very flat match for my £62.

Last year the same fixture saw one of the dullest games I can recall and with both clubs coming out of Capital One cup matches and looking ahead to Champions League - this all had the stink of a gutless nil-nil game. I couldn't have had it more wrong. It's predictions like head that make my fantasy football team a dire failure year to year.

Feel like a Heineken and Singing in a Silly Voice...

Laughing at your teammate after you score and he
doesn't? Priceless

Well it’s back. And we all know I’d be easier than the cast of Geordie Shore. I tried to ignore the re-emergence of Champions League, but with a theme tune like that - how could I deny it? Sure, it was alluring enough when the groups were drawn, but not irresistible. Especially with the wank groups gifted to Manchester United and Barcelona...again, I was definitely able to ignore the many Heineken advertisements.

The Chelsea faithful managed a decent protest against the raise in ticket pricing and called for a boycott of the game. In theory, I was on board. Ignore my nemesis - the Champions League? Yes. Done. Easy....or is it? First, my mates were all going...but I was still going to take a stance against this persistent abuser of my senses. Oh no, wait, now someone has offered me a ticket...a Champions League ticket. One that would see the return of one Herr Ballack. Of course I crumbled and went with blind enthusiasm that should really only be reserved for children in fairgrounds. And as with most group stages - Chelsea’s time in the Champion’s League did not fail to disappoint.

Herr Ballack was given the reception that was due both before kick off and again when he was substituted late in the game. His would not be the only standing ovation of the night. Further ovations were offered to Danny Sturridge and David Luiz. Feel free to refer to the last blog to see me waffling on about Sturridge. And as for Luiz, yes, he was the goal scorer, but what really surprised me was that he took full control of our back line. That’s right, Branislav Ivanovic did what that man with *that* hair told him to. I’ll let you take a moment to really think about that.

And not to be repetitive, but actually to be completely repetitive - another fantastic performance from Torres. With a £50M price tag, no one will ever hear the end of his shortcomings until he starts scoring himself, but his work rate is phenomenal as is his selflessness. He constantly looked up for it, and has no problem moving into a wide position to get the ball into the box for say.....little Juan Mata. And although Mata was again great, er, who’s idea was it for him to take corners? 

FloMo, if you’re reading this (which you obviously are) - physically harm him if you have to. I know that he looks exactly like the manager which makes things confusing, but he should never be allowed near a corner flag again.

Apparently there were some other English teams also involved in this. I don’t want to ruin it for you, but they all drew (as did some team from Spain - they keep it on the downlow, but they are sponsored by a charity making them infinitely better than all of you). 

Arsene, I told you before - Gunnersaurus at centre back. You can thank me later.

Fergie, I know that you’re a fan of whiskey and gum, but it has done your waistline no favours whatsoever. Clearly you’ve been hiding this Andy Reid diet under your suit jacket. Either make friends with vegetables or I’m going to have to issue you a touchline ban for any country warm enough that sees you take off the jacket. Also, I realise you're not used to compliments and that (and you won't as you continue to expand), but when someone appreciates the skills shown by your starting keeper, it is not necessarily some diabolical attack on the one you didn't play. It could in fact be a genuine appreciation shown to his skill and your insight in signing him. So, maybe have yourself a steam with Giggsy, chill out (and cheers for not playing him this coming weekend).

Yaya, Dzeko (or is that one person?) and co., the crossbar is not your friend. Please look back to Didier Drogba’s actual attack on it. Works a treat. <warning: do not take it to f*cking disgrace levels>

Michael Owen, you probably should have brought that challenging horsey jigsaw puzzle you started a few weeks back. As sad as it is for me to discuss this, it makes me feel a little sadder that I think you may not have finished it yet. Thankfully, those seats on the bench are pretty cosy.

Anders Lindegaard, you may want to avoid the jigsaw puzzling Mr. Owen. You may be surprised to learn this, but he's actually your teammate. Difficult to tell while he's cosied up next to the Berba. I realise your stance is that you don't want to pick Nani's nose. If you're hoping to maintain that enthusiasm, just steer clear of that vortex where a striker once was.

And finally....

Adidas, who's idea was it there to have Chelsea's CL training kits and bibs done up to match traffic cones? Genuinely, it was slightly worrying as it appeared the stewards would make up the bench on Tuesday evening. It was like some type of perverted camouflage. If this is how Chelsea engages in 'mindgames', by hiding the team amongst the stewards, I'm going to suggest we step it up and remember the good times of managers hiding in laundry bins.

Roll on the weekend...or Europa league tonight if you fancy that sort of thing.

jb xx

Crouching Boas, Scoring Striker

Fernando shows the world he is master of
his own domain, er, bib.

Well hello there,

A little longer than normal between posts and my apologies for such a delay. And before you hear any rumours, I wasn't on some gin soaked bender...despite what people may tell you. It was rum....it wasn't. I considered telling you I took the fortnight off due to post traumatic stress syndrome because I'm just that in sync with Didier....or maybe I was just *that* embarrassed for my Gooner mates. But let's be honest, no one would believe the latter...I was in fact embarking on a bit of a move and it took up the time I usually spend sharing my expertise technical insight random, silly opinions with you. Despite no longer being able to write these from the comfort of my bed, I'll be a trooper and make the trip to the pub* Starbucks to inflict this upon you.

The geniuses at work who plan the fixtures carefully to maintain interest and refrain conflict did a stellar job this weekend and in no way does it reflect the possibility of randomly drawing fixtures out of a hat. Not only do we have another Monday night fixture, but Super Sunday saw Fulham host Blackburn, while West Brom headed to Norwich. I'm not being funny, but this isn't exactly the hangover repair fodder that I'm really looking for FA fixture officials. Just a thought for next season. They also thought it'd be a super idea to have Chelsea, Sp*rs, Arsenal, City and Liverpool all with 3pm Saturday kick offs. For those of us football whores who like to watch as many matches at possible when not able to actually attend, this was not only slightly schizophrenic, it made for an interesting mix of people braving my new local in Fulham.

As a sidenote on this new local, I'd like to thank the Wolves supporter (yes, you did actually read that correctly), who attempted to block the Jabba the Hut stunt double from repeated attempts to propose marriage and possibly suck out my soul - or lunch. It was a valiant effort against a man who makes Andy Reid look anorexic.

Obviously the big talking point amongst proper football journalists with real insight was the fact that Fernando Torres spent a little time on the bench to start the match. And they are correct, he was not in the starting line up. I'm pretty sure that anyone with eyeballs could have actually told you that. But, I may be crazy in saying this - wait for it - but maybe.....just maybe.... He did not start on the bench because of his form. There is that outside chance that with Chelsea having six strikers available to them and playing twice a week from here on out, that maybe, just maybe that crazy crouching manager may be resting some strikers to keep them fresh for the extra games they are about to embark in. And as a man of his word, he was required to start one Mr. Sturridge up front as his ban has been served.

Finally given his chance to shine with Chelsea, Danny certainly lived up to the hype I've been jamming down your throats since he left Manchester City. A slow start to the match, Chelsea were never really out of control and almost looked bored at the opposition, however a stunning pass to JT leading to the opening goal. His cheeky back-heeled goal made his performance today. Similar to an attempt that Balotelli made in pre-season which saw him unceremoniously substituted before the half, Danny's lead to his audition for Dancing with the Stars and a deserved ovation when he finally came off.

As for Arsenal, although you managed a win, I still highly recommend your use of Gunnersaurus as your centre back. You don't get to play the mighty Swansea every week. What he lacks in agility, he certainly makes up for in height and, er, girth. Surely he's as useful as Koscielny.

And for those of you too drunk sleepy to have stayed up for Match of the Day, you missed Jamie's Carragher's discussion of yet another penalty he gave away. In a moment of sheer brilliance he suggested that he -may- have got a little too close to Walters. Yes Jamie, wrapping your arm completely around the front of a man's body and then slipping it around his thigh is a little too close. At least that's what I've been told.**

Hope you all enjoyed your matches from wherever you were. Unless you're a United supporter of course. ;)

I would discuss upcoming Champions League fixtures here, but I'm still playing hard to get with the CL. It needs to work really hard during these group stages for me to really talk to CL again. And by really hard I mean a win tomorrow will probably see a waffling blog posted here on Wednesday.

Good to be back

jb xx

*ok, it is the pub, but I'd like to give off some air of respectability here - you just know me too well.

**am not a pervy rapist. Well, not a rapist. There's no restraining orders against me yet, so I'm sticking with this one.