Manchester United v Chelsea: The Chelsea Smile Returns

This man is incapable of not laughing

Chelsea faced Manchester United for the FIFTH time this season. FIFTH. It was like Benitez’ dream come true. In part as it’s a team that the interim one can beat winning the last four of five League meetings with United. Unlike Reading where he’s won one of his last five in all competitions with the Championship incumbents.

With United already securing the title and failing to be able to match Mourinho’s points record, United were left with nothing to play for except pride. And Ferguson’s lineup pretty much said as much. As the lineups were released, North London wondered what they’d ever done to SAF to warrant such a lineup. I hate to be the one to break it to North London, but I’m afraid it’s not all about you. Ferguson is far too self involved for such matters and his only concern is ensuring his onlookers play enough games to get themselves a medal too.

Of course, I don’t want to leave out the lineup conspiracy theorists because I care about you too - this was all part of Ferguson’s masterplan to land himself a certain Welsh winger that probably does not shag his brother’s wife. Being player of the universe has made Bale this year’s ‘it’ mammal boy. Such a prize asset should be playing the likes of Malaga next season rather than the riff raff that finds themselves in Thursday Night Cup etc and so on. Why Daniel Levy would continue to sell anyone to United after the Berbatov affair would boggle anyones mind, especially after what’s happened to their neighbours and Van Persie. So, although Levy may be forced to let Bale go for bags and bags of cash, but it will be full of Euros not Sterling. Without the player wanting a move and Levy being a little more wised up to Ferguson’s games, it’s unlikely at best.

Giggs NOT waving an imaginary card at a Brazilian

After all the lineup fun, there was an actual game that was actually played. Sort of. For the most part, United looked like you’d expect that starting XI to look like. Anderson had a better game than any of his supporters could have expected, which isn’t really saying much. Although Chelsea’s passing was much more fluid, their finishing lacked a certain masked man to swoop in and save the embarrassment of losing to TClevz. Leaving Martin Tyler to compare that first half of football to kissing his sister. Not sure anyone should really know what that means, But I’d recommend Sky Sports look into the Phil Brown method of team talks and get Jeremy Kyle on the Tyler situation as soon as possible.

United’s frustration grew as Sian Massey was not going to be pressured into making anything but

Giggs NOT waving an imaginary card in THIS country

100% correct decisions. Something that the bald bloke in charge could have learned from. Sir Howard of Webb did what he could to not award free kicks when he should have which were all keenly forgotten by the home side and their support within the last 10 minutes. A 10 minutes that made up for the turgid affair that was football in the Premier League this weekend.*

There was definitely a dive at play in the last few minutes. But I’m not so sure that someone who’s had to purchase their hair looks as much like a dying swan as a tumbling potato. With Rooney’s dramatic attempt to pull things back for Webb and his team ignored, there was nothing anyone could do by the time the ball fell to Juan Mata. The goal was in. And the handbags were out.

David Luiz not impressed with getting booked by Webb decided he would show him how to count to his number. Pretty much out of the how to win friends and influence people handbook. Webb took it in stride as there were more important matters to attend to - the blatant, and ignored xenophobia of family man Ryan Giggs. A pillar of maturity, he not only waved an imaginary card back and Oscar for waving an imaginary card but informed the teenager that ‘we don’t do that here’. Because he’s never done that. And because Englishman Ashley Cole wasn’t actually the first one to wave the dreaded imaginary card. It takes a big man to have a go at a teenager and pick on him being foreign. Almost like a man who would shag his brother’s sister.

Nani demonstrates the correct way
to react to a foul

Ironically, it’s really Brazil that Giggs has to thank for that being overlooked in today’s back pages as the only thing anyone is talking about is nothing more than a laugh. Bored of faux outrage over handshakes, it was only a matter of time before football found it’s latest form of social convention to be shocked and horrified at. As David Luiz was fouled, and he was fouled, he did not follow the how to be fouled handbook. And for that, has become Monday morning’s pantomime villain. Rather than weeping Nani sized tears, David Luiz had the cheek to laugh at the hilarious reaction from United’s fans in the corner. How dare this man enjoy what he’s doing. Football is serious. A serious game for serious men. Who is David Luiz with his comedic hair and effervescent personality to actually try and have fun?! Kick him out of the game immediately. I can’t imagine anything more offensive than laughing at people absolutely losing their minds over a foul. Disappointingly, Ryan Giggs did not come over and also tell Luiz that it’s not how things are done in this country.

So the Interim One edges a little closer to actually achieving the one job he was set out to do with an inadvertent helping hand from his nemesis. Twitter nearly broke in outrage over laughter. And the Chelsea smile was re-born. What more could you want from a bank holiday weekend if you’re a Chelsea supporter.

jb x

* If you missed Saturday’s Championship games, you missed everything.