Tuchel insists Chelsea 'have no feet' in the Carabao Cup final ahead of Spurs clash

'We have no feet in the final'

Thomas Tuchel was quick to keep Chelsea grounded ahead of Wednesday night's second-leg Carabao Cup semi-final against Tottenham. Despite dominating at Stamford Bridge, a two-goal lead is a lot more slender than the first half deserved. The Blues could be punished for not taking their chances in that opening 45 minutes.

Chelsea 2-0 Tottenham: The one where Saul answered the call

Saul stepping up at the right time

Thomas Tuchel's Chelsea are now just 90 minutes away from another final. And while it may not have the gravitas of a European Cup, it is the first silverware of the season and creates a winning mentality. It will also be the first time since 2015 that a team not from Manchester will have their name on the trophy.

Leicester vs Chelsea: The one that saw improper footballers in action

Do not be alarmed. Chelsea have only gone and done a win. In a meaningful game no less. And just to keep it all really interesting the players were forced to play against the power of the tracksuit. It’s not quite turning things around at Camp Nou to progress in the Champions League - but it is a semi-final at Wembley. I will take it! So you lot can stop grumbling about the season and get yourselves up for it. Chelsea are 180 mins away from potentially lifting a trophy at the end of this season.

Some takeaways from Sunday’s game in varying degrees of usefulness as we look ahead to the end of the season

Watford vs Chelsea: The one that saw tears (and not just Chelsea fans’)

Cesar knows

There’s no getting around the fact that the Chelsea results of 2018 have been poor. Shipping seven goals across 180 minutes does not feel good. No matter who the opposition are or where the team plays. And sitting through three consecutive goalless draws did not feel a shade better. However, some people need to dial their crisis-o-meter’s back a bit.

Some people might want think about what they’re doing and give themselves a social media timeout before their faces melt off. Fans are rife with entitlement and finger pointing. Looking for any sort of scape goat. Two things to always keep in mind are that no team wins every match and when there’s a clusterfuck of results, it’s never one person’s fault. So you’re only working yourselves into an embarrassing state for nothing.

Chelsea vs Newcastle: The one that made a case for playing Batman

Who's lives in a pineapple under the sea...

After Chelsea took 210 actual minutes to earn themselves a penalty shootout against Championship mid-table stalwarts Norwich City in the Energy Drink Cup, it was really anyone’s guess how they would fare against a Premier League side in the better domestic cup competition. Even if that Premier League side was Newcastle. 

After watching Tottenham struggle against Newport County and Liverpool exit at the hands of Alan Pardew’s side, it was up to Chelsea to keep the FA Cup fun going (not for you neutrals. For me, you heathens). They have very much been their own worst enemy this season. But there was reason to be positive before the game.

Chelsea vs Newcastle: The one that had Benitez back

When you're facing Eden Hazard in a free role

Rafa Benitez. The name still offers up a visceral reaction — no matter how much I have tried to blank out his brief and boo-y stint at the Bridge. It happened. There’s no denying it. So the next best thing would be to remind him that our relationship, remains a frosty one. Especially as he appears to have completely forgotten how well it went the first time round. 

Hindsight is the egotistical narcissist's best mate. Also works well for Twitter trolls, but that’s a separate matter entirely. For those of you who braved The Hungry One’s pre-match press conference in the build up to his ‘triumphant’ return, you may have noticed some discrepancies in how he remembers his time at Chelsea and how it actually was. 

Roma vs Chelsea: The one that was gone in 60 seconds

Whenever Halloween rolls around you’re meant to witness some sort of horror show, right? I’m not one for the truly frightening and usually go out of my way to avoid it at all costs — but it often proves difficult at this, the most sinister time of year. <insert creepy Vincent Price voice> This year I’m not sure whether I should thank Chelsea for fulfilling the creepy quota for me or not. 

In fairness, scoreline aside, it was really the second half the Chelsea fell apart. Despite conceding just 40 seconds into the match, and another just before the break - the Blues played some excellent football between those two goals. Which by the meltdown on social media seems all but forgotten. You always want to go out on a high as it’s how you’ll be remembered. And as Tuesday has proven the inverse is very much true.

Leicester vs Chelsea: The One that was Zappa-tastic

Fernando -- is that you?

Remember when Chelsea were in crisis FORTY-FIVE minutes into the season? No doubt they’ll be plunged into chaos under the weight of expectation again this season. But it does say something to holding back and reserving judgement for like maybe a whole match. Or even a handful of matches. Unless you’re Crystal Palace and Frank de Boer. 

Still without captain Gary Cahill, Chelsea forged ahead with their back three of David Luiz, Cesar Azpilicueta and Antonio Rudiger. Guttering for Andreas Christensen. Although one would expect he’ll see his chance this month with Chelsea playing seven matches in twenty-two days. It would be nice for the youngster to start in the Champions League - Qarabag anyone? - but may have to wait until Nottingham Forest come to town next week.

Chelsea vs Everton: The one that Rooney sweated through his Spanx

'You call this hot?! Pffftt'

Hot fun in the summertime. Or if you were in the East stand or Gate 15 more like melt your face off fun in the summertime. And come away blind like you’re Donald Trump staring straight into an eclipse kind of fun. Despite the sweat stains cropping up where sweat stains should never be - it was a fun day out at Stamford Bridge, especially after Chelsea’s last outing there.

Less so if you’re a team that’s already played SEVEN competitive matches this season — including three in the last week. A maddening schedule at the best of times. This kind of fixture congestion is usually saved for Christmas. I’m not convinced that Ronaldo Koeman feels like Christmas came early for his side.

Tottenham vs Chelsea: The one that saw the suit return

Hero

Without half the squad available due to injury, suspension and dodgy text messages — the last team Chelsea needed to face this week was the one with ‘the most points over the last two season’. Other trophyless titles are available. See also best offence and / or best defence in the country.

There were some glimmers of hope that were carefully placed in the papers and on your social media timelines. Mostly in the form of a tiny little Belgian magician who just happens to love a goal against Tottenham. Eden Hazard returned to full training for the first time this week and there was a chance that he could make the bench. He didn’t.

However, one of Chelsea’s other walking wounded not only got into the match day squad, but only found himself in the starting XI. Tiemoue Bakayoko would likely not have been risked if it had not been for Cesc Fabregas’ love of sarcasm. He looks like he still needs time to settle and sort out his knee. But there’s a lot of physical potential there to fill the Nemanja Matic sized hole.

Chelsea vs Burnley: The one that only nine survived

My face most of this week

If things aren’t going to go right, they might as well go spectacularly wrong. And Chelsea’s start to the campaign to defend their title was very much the latter. And while the doom and gloom mongers might not want anyone to know, I’m here to share a little secret — there’s still actually another 37 matches before the Premier League season is done and dusted. So there might just be hope for those plucky little upstarts yet.

So just how did Chelsea end up on the wrong side of a 3-0 scoreline just 45 minutes into their new season? There were a few factors before anyone even kicked a ball that they were forced to overcome. 

Arsenal v Chelsea: The one that doesn't count

Just wanted to take the mask off

When you lose the Community Shield, it’s not a real trophy. When you win the Community Shield — it’s still not a real trophy!! Sorry Jose Mourinho. Your desperate attempts to make it a thing at at your Thursday Night Cup victory party are as futile as Gretchen Wieners trying to make fetch happen. The FA does not deem it a competitive fixture - which is why we were all treated to Victor Moses’ attempts at thrown ins on Sunday. Thanks to his escapades in an actual competition - the FA Cup final - he’s suspended for his next competitive match. Not the Community Shield.

Chelsea vs Transfer Market: The one that's a brief overview so far

Not Diego Costa

Well it certainly has been a while since you and I sat down for a little chat. That's on me. But let's be honest, you didn't need me waffling on as Chelsea marched on to another Premier League title. And it only being amazing as it's the Don's first season. Thankfully no one got too big headed in the matter as the FA Cup swiftly provided a nice balancing out of the universe. Although it did not make for a brilliant day out for yours truly. Thankfully there's Sailor Jerry to sort out those sorts of days.

Stoke vs Chelsea: The One Conte did on a cold, windy afternoon in Stoke

Loving Life

Over the course of ninety minutes on Saturday afternoon, Mark Hughes undid much of the good work he's done at Stoke. While they've been longstanding and reputed bullies over the years, Hughes has attempted to bring a new style of play to the cold, wet pitch in the Bet365iseum. He has introduced unexpected players like Bojan and Xherdan Shaqiri to the squad in an effort to make Stoke's brand of football a little more palatable and a little less pugnacious.

Preview: Stoke vs Chelsea

The Don at today's press conference

Thirty points may separate these two sides, but expect Saturday’s game at The Britannia Bet365iseum to trouble the league leaders more than that gap would intimate. Chelsea have won just two of their last seven games away at Stoke City, losing both their league and League Cup match there just weeks apart last season.

Although future England number one, Jack Butland, has returned to training it is unlikely he will be fit this weekend to face Chelsea. But even without one of the league's standout goalkeepers, Stoke's defence have been exceptional as of last keeping a clean sheet in three of their last four league games. Although their 4-0 loss in 45 minutes at White Hart Lane did fall in that run.

Chelsea vs Manchester United: The One That Was Harder, Faster, Stronger, Kante

Azpilicueta & one of the Kanté twins

On the back of last season you would be loathe to believe it, but Monday night proved that Jose Mourinho can in fact inspire an outstanding performance from Eden Hazard. Chelsea’s mercurial Belgian looked unplayable at times throughout the game. The times where he was on his feet and not having the living daylights kicked out of him of course.

Liverpool vs Chelsea: The One David Luiz Made 100 PL Apps

Bottoms Up

Is there any fixture in the Premier League calendar that generates more nonsense in terms of narrative and delusion that Liverpool vs Chelsea? Before the match there were a number of comments about how ‘everyone’ was desperate for Liverpool to win this one, Jürgen Klopp included. As Liverpool fans seem to exist in a bubble, I suppose an argument could be made for them thinking it was everyone.

I suspect that sensible supporters, and I do realise that is an oxymoron, but supporters within touching distance of second would rather see both teams drop points. And I certainly find it unlikely that Manchester United fans were desperate to see Liverpool beat anyone, especially one that could draw them anywhere near top of the table.

Chelsea vs Hull: The One Where Results Went Chelsea's Way

Costa tries to bring back the chicken dance

I will fully hold my hands up - my cynical side reared its ugly head on the weekend. You know the part of you that says if it seems too good to be true, it probably is? Saturday’s results all seemed to fall suspiciously in Chelsea’s favour and I was having none of it. Secret agent Paul Clement getting the job done early at Anfield. Little Juan Mata sacrificing himself and his budding relationship with Jose Mourinho for two points dropped at Stoke. Manchester City giving Claudio Bravo a two goal head start.

Burnley were seconds away from claiming their second away point of the season. But it wasn’t to be. Arsenal’s late win may just have been the black mark on opposition results falling oddly in Chelsea’s favour that we needed. Or at least I needed. Until that moment I thought Chelsea would waste their opportunity to widen the gap at the top. So once again, cheers Arsenal.

Leicester vs Chelsea: The One Chelsea Scored Goals Without Costa

The moment Morgan gave up at life

This weekend ended up as an unexpected rollercoaster - starting with the social media meltdown that was Chinatown. As the team jetted off to Leicester, it became apparent that not everyone had travelled with the team. Diego Costa had been left at home. *gasp*

Unsurprisingly the story has trundled on and on. And then on some more. Obviously when the top goalscorer for any team doesn’t travel with the squad it has to be a story - but there seems to be some confusion as to what happened. Here’s what we can likely take from it all:

The Offer

China have made inquiries about the availability of Diego Costa. They’ve also made inquiries into half the top players in Europe. Especially if those players are involved with Kia Joorabchian or Jorge Mendes, Costa falling into the latters greedy grip. My only real disappointment here as that they have not yet made an offer for me. 

Chelsea vs Everton: The One That Remembered

Costa: caged

After some of the scenes last season, I had braced myself for a season of transition. Some dodgy results to come Chelsea’s way and hopefully a handful of players fighting for a position under the new regime. Nothing that has happened in the last 18 months prepared me for Saturday’s scintillating performance.

Difficult to imagine that before the weekend, Everton boasted the second best defence in the Premier League — conceding just 8 goals in their opening 8 fixtures. They left London lucky not to have conceded that many in the afternoon. If not more. But just how did we get there?