Fulham vs Tottenham: Behind Enemy Lines

Wrongly assumed I'd be sat next to Ron Jeremy

Sometimes a writer* has to go deep undercover to get the story, to bring the truth to the public. It can involve doing a whole manner of things which are out of character or simply horrifying to be a part of. Last night was that very moment for me. Being such a diligent employee responsible individual key contributor to the office it was impossible for me to abandon my duties in the middle of the week for a trip to the north east. Cheers to the clever clogs at the FA for that scheduling tour de force.

Despite my glamorous plans to watch Sunderland vs Chelsea through a dodgy internet stream completely upstanding methods, a free ticket was on offer for this glamour tie, and was even on the way home. When I opted to give up the comforts of my own home to stand in the cold with a co-worker for two hours, I was under the impression that it was going to be some sort of hospitality situation. Maybe some pre-match tipple and a bite before we all sit in cushioned reclining seats in the heart of Putney while The Berba stands next to us playing his pan flute ....

Chelsea vs Fulham: John Obi Mikel - Goal Machine

185 Games in the Making

It doesn’t get much more exciting than derby day does it? Well, unless of course your derby is with Putney based upstarts – Fulham. With their performances such as they are, and their massive support making it the whole 2 miles up the road, it wasn’t going to really be classic derby atmosphere.  But this match took it to a new level without even a card being issued over the course of 90 minutes.

Fulham v Chelsea: Who Needs Strikers When You Have Central Defenders

Ryan Bertrand loved David Luiz goal a little
TOO much.

With Chelsea out of the FA Cup, it of course allows the club to focus on the league. A little matter that the interim one may have wanted to think about when they faced Southampton and he put out *that* team. With Arsenal dropping a couple of points the night before, it seemed reasonable to expect a very stale and typical draw at Craven Cottage.

For those of you who’ve only heard of this mythical land that is Craven Cottage, protected by a renowned paedophile popstar Nani lookalike statue of the king of pop, sat sleepily by the river - it’s not the gentile place that you may think. As I happily walked through the park in the sunshine, I had no idea what sinister events would await me. And no, it did not involve the Berba - but I can see where you’d all think that. My bag was searched - standard procedure. And a violent missile was found - what could this be? What would I have brought to a game to show that I’m really up to no good? A bottle of perfume. Yes, that’s right. I was trying to make the world smell a better place. Unfortunately I was paired up with a pikey female steward who tried to keep it for herself. I even said I’d rather not attend so I could have it back. (Clearly a bold faced lie) And she made off with it. Knowing it was far too good for her, her boss intervened and laughed at her thinking I was going to attack Benitez with good scents because we all know he needs some.