Fernando Finding his Feet...and Mark Gower's

Reminiscing about the 'good' times. It doesn't count
unless you do it in lederhosen.

I did briefly consider not writing about this weekend, I mean, if I don't type it, it didn't happen, right? But sod it. What else is a gym membership besides abusing their wifi to use the iPlayer and write nonsense? Yes, yes, it could in fact be used for working out and such, but there's a posh coffee bar here and I'm under caffeinated...

So despite managing two goals in two games after meticulously highlighting his hair, Fernando Torres will not in fact be scoring over the next 3 matches. He's been enjoying his time in London by watching too much Danny Dyer and pulled a proper naughty in Saturday's victory over Swansea. Is it wrong to be proud of his first red card? Maybe a little. But anyone who saw it, and with Sky having it on a constant loop for 24 hours, how could you not? But for those who saw it will know it wasn't a cynical challenge a la Scholes, but one that he may have just got a little, we'll call it, overenthusiastic. It was the first time he'd managed goals in two successive games for Chelsea, doubling his total for all of last season - surely no one can blame the lad for being excitable.

Drogba also managed to come back in fine form and within minutes of appearing on the pitch - scored. He couldn't have looked more surprised if Mikel had scored it. Of course the best way to celebrate a surprise goal like that is to don some lederhosen and head to Oktoberfest. Nice to see DD taking his recovery and preparation for Valencia this week so seriously.

In other news, Jamie Carragher has expressed his concern this week at having his record usurped by Richard Dunne. Dunne having been responsible for now a record NINE own goals, Carragher will have to step up his game in the Merseyside Derby this weekend if he wants to keep pace. We all have faith in your Carra.

Although own goals are, let's face it, always funny unless for your own club, the best part of QPR's match with Villa was not the game itself, but the fact that Warnock felt the need to come out for a second go in his post match discussion. There was a couple (only one) contentious calls for handball, and Warnock decided to review the tapes and have a second go. And if that weren't enough, he refereed to Traore as a disgrace a la Didier Drogba circa Champions League semi finals 2009. It was a fine Warnock moment. The threat of a fine for Traore was good, but to be truly great, he too should have ranted in a pair of slippers. Warnock has a lot to learn.

jb xx

This Charming Man...

Actual photograph from Saturday afternoon
(note: this is not the charming man)

Afternoon treacles,

I've been slightly forced into a stunned silence after sitting through not one, but three nil-nil matches which essentially are consecutive (if you count Stoke - Chelsea, which I very obviously do). So, er, thank you Wayne Rooney for a) breaking the goal drought [she says begrudgingly] and b) experimenting with hair growth formulas in full public view. I may be making a flip book of his hair loss to re-growth. And of course I'll be taking orders. Don't tell me you wouldn't have fun with that for hours...or at least minutes.

The most important of those scoreless droughts will always be of course Stoke - Chelsea. Probably just to those of us in London and Stoke, but never mind that. Arguably a very good performance from the Chelsea lads, especially in the first half. I fully expected a goal and feel slightly hard done by not to come away with one. Not that I'm one to blame the referee for poor calls, but Mark Halsey, you know that thing around your neck? It's a whistle. You may use this at any time when someone pushes the boundaries of acceptable a tad too far and you know ... give out cards, free kicks, or a Phil Dowd style talking to. And although, I would wholeheartedly started Drogba for his ability to plough through any line of defense, walls, possibly the space-time continuum....I would like to say that finally, our little Fernando is showing why we paid £50M for him. Great performance from him, looked up for it, and was fully deserving of the arse slap he got from AVB his Man of the Match honours. Also, somewhere over making up with Cheryl and being allowed to take the most horrendous free kick in pre season history, Ashley got pretty fancy with the tekkers. Scoring from a bicycle kick is sometimes necessary, but to pass the ball that way? Nice.

Special mention of course to Jon Obi Mikel. This was coming anyways as it was the closest he's ever come to scoring. [that goal will be this season. i promise*]. He had one of his best matches for us ever, cool on the ball etc and so on....but all of this after learning his father had been kidnapped. There's a lot of talk of people needing to man up. Mikel has just upped the standard of what that means.

Speaking of men that often need to man up - Manchester United.

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Ok... not actually stopping there. I wasn't a fan of the 'I Am Jesus' type of goal celebration that Wazza had after his goal against City. However, fair play. Good goal and in a derby. There is some allowance for over the top douchey goal celebrations. But for snood wanker Ashley Young to repeat this against West Brom on an OWN GOAL. Sad. Just sad.

But who wants to talk about any of that when there is a Newcastle - Arsenal game to talk about. Obviously missing from the Arsenal lineup were Nasri and Fabregas. And although rumours have been floated about (very much on the d/l) about them wanting a transfer, I'm pretty sure that after watching Geordie Shore on their holidays they were slightly terrified of heading up there and running into Holly.

The focus of this weekend's drama should have been on Song and his still dodgy haircut stamp on Joey Barton. However, the media and supporters rather focus on on Joey Barton, so I'll just follow suit. Anyways the man at the centre of this knows how to get (and keep) an audience, whether on purpose or not. Say what you want about him - despite all the problems at the club, he comes out and does his job. Sure, he probably shouldn't have had a go at the fourth official or went down like Lindsay Lohan for a hit of coke, but a) he had issue for complaint and b) has since publicly held up his hands to acknowledge where he was wrong. There is also the fact that  he was merely helping Gervinho 'with his obviously dodgy balance'.

He does need credit for making himself available in a public forum to discuss the matter both on twitter and radio, and of course for being man enough to admit where he was wrong.

Dear Jack "Two Foot Tackle" Wilshire, if you're taking some time out of your busy X box schedule to accuse players of assault, you may also want to discuss the colours of pots and kettles. You may just end up with a new bestie. Love from JB

Enjoy your week boys and girls!

jb xx

http://twitter.com/cfc_jb



*promises of course are at my own whim, and if i am actually wrong, will not be distributing free pints to anyone who points this out.