Chelsea 2-0 Newcastle: The one that Timo Werner got back among the goals

Timo Werner scores his 10th goal of the season

100 days. 1000 minutes. And Timo Werner is back in the Premier League scoring saddle as it were. The startling numbers do make for a good bit of narrative, but like with most stats don't really give you the whole picture. In just about every match he has featured for Chelsea this season, the young German has proved he is more than just goals on the scoresheet. He is a force and it was great to see him rewarded for his efforts on Monday night. Hopefully now the never-ending questions about the drought can, you know, end. 

Hands up if you were feeling pessimistic and thought you 'knew what was coming'. All the results across the weekend fell very favourably for Chelsea. Newcastle haven't managed a win at Stamford Bridge in nearly nine years. Plus they would be without their loan goal scorer Callum Wilson. This had Monday night upset written all over it topped with a Joelinton masterclass.

Newcastle 0-2 Chelsea: The one where Chelsea went top of the league

Ben Chilwell celebrated on Fernandez' behalf

Twelve games unbeaten - as a defeat on penalties isn't really a defeat. Five consecutive wins. Just one goal conceded across the last seven matches. And to top it all off -- top of the league. Granted, come Monday morning the table will likely have changed a number of times. But not matter. In this moment, Frank Lampard's Chelsea sit top of the table and have finally found their feet.

Chelsea vs Newcastle: The one that had Benitez back

When you're facing Eden Hazard in a free role

Rafa Benitez. The name still offers up a visceral reaction — no matter how much I have tried to blank out his brief and boo-y stint at the Bridge. It happened. There’s no denying it. So the next best thing would be to remind him that our relationship, remains a frosty one. Especially as he appears to have completely forgotten how well it went the first time round. 

Hindsight is the egotistical narcissist's best mate. Also works well for Twitter trolls, but that’s a separate matter entirely. For those of you who braved The Hungry One’s pre-match press conference in the build up to his ‘triumphant’ return, you may have noticed some discrepancies in how he remembers his time at Chelsea and how it actually was. 

Chelsea vs Newcastle: The One Where Time Was Wasted

So many happy faces

Despite the recent emergence of Newcastle as Chelsea’s ‘bogey’ team, the home side looked like they should have romped to an easy victory -- on paper. But it never really does work out that way, does it?! Promises of random squad rotation and dodgy keepers abounded. But somehow Newcastle's lengthy list of injries was all but forgotten with Tim Krul recovring in time to make his first appearance since November, along with Jamie Carragher's first choice manager -- Fabricio Coloccini.

Luckily for Chelsea, John Carver was still in charge of the North East side so to speak. The tactics he chose to impart were a) let Rémy Cabella do whatever he wants because he basically can. And b) time waste at each and every given opportunity - from minute 1 -- even if you’re chasing the game. The time wasting went from frustrating to baffling as it was the only real mark that Newcastle left on the game (outside of Cabella’s brilliant performance).

Newcastle vs Chelsea: The One Where Chelsea Lost

A picture just for Drogba doubters

It's the morning after the night before -- or the lunchtime kick-off before. Either way Chelsea have lost their first game after an impressive run of 23 matches without a defeat. A stat that most of you have been beaten on the head with week after week, game after game. The overwrougt touting of the invincibility tag at this premature stage in the season could do nothing but set Chelsea up for inevitable failure. The growing obsession with an unbeaten record (amidst the papers -- not the supporters) assured that this loss would seem like so much more than what it was. A loss at a ground that Chelsea have often struggled at a third of the way through the season. With another 23 games remaining in the season, although disappointing, it's not as catastrophic as headlines will want most to believe. Hello perspespective - I've not been expecting you.

Chelsea vs Newcastle: The Little Horse "Learning" to Jump (City + Arsenal)

Ivanovic assists Hazard in more way than one

It might come as a surprise to some of you, but I don't José Mourinho actually meant what he said about Chelsea just trying to finish top 4 this season. I know. Minds blown. If you need to take a minute to consider that, I'm happy to wait here for you .... And by wait here I mean top up a G&T.

Newcastle vs Chelsea: Toon-ed Out

This man does NOT do early starts

Not sure if after a 500 mile round trip that anyone wants to hear The Proclaimers the manager made ELEVEN mistakes in his team selection that day. ELEVEN! Not that Jose Mourinho has ever been one to inflate things for the media or provide a distraction for the poor quality of football on the pitch. But if there was in fact 11/11 errors made in selection, maybe there should be some sort of compensation for the travelling contingent that saw only three of the those mistakes come over and clap their effort to leave before dawn to see 45 minutes of sub par football.

This Charming Man...

Actual photograph from Saturday afternoon
(note: this is not the charming man)

Afternoon treacles,

I've been slightly forced into a stunned silence after sitting through not one, but three nil-nil matches which essentially are consecutive (if you count Stoke - Chelsea, which I very obviously do). So, er, thank you Wayne Rooney for a) breaking the goal drought [she says begrudgingly] and b) experimenting with hair growth formulas in full public view. I may be making a flip book of his hair loss to re-growth. And of course I'll be taking orders. Don't tell me you wouldn't have fun with that for hours...or at least minutes.

The most important of those scoreless droughts will always be of course Stoke - Chelsea. Probably just to those of us in London and Stoke, but never mind that. Arguably a very good performance from the Chelsea lads, especially in the first half. I fully expected a goal and feel slightly hard done by not to come away with one. Not that I'm one to blame the referee for poor calls, but Mark Halsey, you know that thing around your neck? It's a whistle. You may use this at any time when someone pushes the boundaries of acceptable a tad too far and you know ... give out cards, free kicks, or a Phil Dowd style talking to. And although, I would wholeheartedly started Drogba for his ability to plough through any line of defense, walls, possibly the space-time continuum....I would like to say that finally, our little Fernando is showing why we paid £50M for him. Great performance from him, looked up for it, and was fully deserving of the arse slap he got from AVB his Man of the Match honours. Also, somewhere over making up with Cheryl and being allowed to take the most horrendous free kick in pre season history, Ashley got pretty fancy with the tekkers. Scoring from a bicycle kick is sometimes necessary, but to pass the ball that way? Nice.

Special mention of course to Jon Obi Mikel. This was coming anyways as it was the closest he's ever come to scoring. [that goal will be this season. i promise*]. He had one of his best matches for us ever, cool on the ball etc and so on....but all of this after learning his father had been kidnapped. There's a lot of talk of people needing to man up. Mikel has just upped the standard of what that means.

Speaking of men that often need to man up - Manchester United.

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Ok... not actually stopping there. I wasn't a fan of the 'I Am Jesus' type of goal celebration that Wazza had after his goal against City. However, fair play. Good goal and in a derby. There is some allowance for over the top douchey goal celebrations. But for snood wanker Ashley Young to repeat this against West Brom on an OWN GOAL. Sad. Just sad.

But who wants to talk about any of that when there is a Newcastle - Arsenal game to talk about. Obviously missing from the Arsenal lineup were Nasri and Fabregas. And although rumours have been floated about (very much on the d/l) about them wanting a transfer, I'm pretty sure that after watching Geordie Shore on their holidays they were slightly terrified of heading up there and running into Holly.

The focus of this weekend's drama should have been on Song and his still dodgy haircut stamp on Joey Barton. However, the media and supporters rather focus on on Joey Barton, so I'll just follow suit. Anyways the man at the centre of this knows how to get (and keep) an audience, whether on purpose or not. Say what you want about him - despite all the problems at the club, he comes out and does his job. Sure, he probably shouldn't have had a go at the fourth official or went down like Lindsay Lohan for a hit of coke, but a) he had issue for complaint and b) has since publicly held up his hands to acknowledge where he was wrong. There is also the fact that  he was merely helping Gervinho 'with his obviously dodgy balance'.

He does need credit for making himself available in a public forum to discuss the matter both on twitter and radio, and of course for being man enough to admit where he was wrong.

Dear Jack "Two Foot Tackle" Wilshire, if you're taking some time out of your busy X box schedule to accuse players of assault, you may also want to discuss the colours of pots and kettles. You may just end up with a new bestie. Love from JB

Enjoy your week boys and girls!

jb xx

http://twitter.com/cfc_jb



*promises of course are at my own whim, and if i am actually wrong, will not be distributing free pints to anyone who points this out.