Chelsea vs Stoke: Stoke’s Aversion to Goals at the Bridge Continues

So. Much. Hair.

After losing 3-1 away in a Champions League tie, is to host Stoke in the PL right before the continental types make their way to Stamford Bridge. Of course this time around there wasn’t a flurry of other matches and managerial changes before Stoke at home but the similarities are close enough to give those in and around SW6 enough hope going into Tuesday night’s tie.

QPHa Ha Ha ... But This Time the Joke is on Chelsea

"I don't know how it happened either.
I just told them to go out and run around."

Hindsight is twenty twenty and all that, but no one needed hindsight to realise the team that the interim manager had selected was not going to be up to the task - even against bottom feeders QPR. It was remiss of said interim manager to look at QPR’s points tally only - as it wasn’t even half the picture.


The reality is Chelsea do not have the depth of squad they once possessed and do need to rotate if they are to remain competitive. Brilliant. But when you’re taking on a team that have only conceded eight goals on the road this season, it might have made some sense to consider an attacking minded lineup to get past that parked bus. Call me crazy, and I know you often do, but it seems pretty simple.

Combine that with the fact that Chelsea have a FA Cup match against a team that concedes loads of goals, and therefore could field a defensive team with some fresh faces .... And if the interim manager didn’t want to quite go that far, surely Mata or Hazard should have started while the other was rested. All thoughts and possibilities that surely would have had an outcome better than last night.

Offside Goals, Stadium Hi-Jinx, and Ivanovic as Usain Bolt: Chelsea v Reading

"You thought they were going to call me offside....
....aaahhhhhh"

The long awaited home match for Chelsea has finally come and gone. Season ticket holders come in with such joy, such excitement to see old faces - and then within the first five minutes of kick-off realise they don’t like a soul around them. The price one has to pay to watch their home club.

Luckily for those making the trek to Stamford Bridge, they were treated to a good first twenty minutes of actual football - passing and everything! It kept the home support in good voice as they continued to sing ‘Champions of Europe - we know what we are.’ And then remembered they were playing Reading.

And not unlike Sunday’s fixture at Wigan, the Champions seemed to have that post European hangover that, let’s be honest, who amongst us hasn’t had. Some of us may have that feeling right now and has nothing to do with continued abuse of gin. Nothing at all.

To be fair, there’s a few new faces who are not only finding their way within the team, but within the league altogether. And in Oscar’s case, new to the language. Thankfully for all of us, RDM has had the forethought to appoint resident chap, Paulo Ferreira, as Oscar’s translator rather than David Luiz. Luiz is capable of many things, but passing on coherent tactical messages won’t be one of them.

You’d think with the threat that at any moment, you could be replaced by Raul Meireles would have the midfield looking lively, And often they were - but there were large parts of the night’s affair that were looking dire for the European Champions. Even Petr Cech was having a questionable night in terms of distribution, as he often struggled to pick out a pass. Unless of course he’s taken this twelfth man bollocks a stride too far and thinks knocking it into the east stand counts. Pete, it doesn’t. I know all the replica shirts in the stands make it all a little confusing.

Before the match, RDM had made claims likening Eden Hazard to Gianfranco Zola. It’s far too early to tell whether he’ll be able to come close to filling Zola’s boots. But as he’s taken on the number 17 shirt, I can confidently claim he looks far better than Bosingwa - even if for the simple fact that in terms of eyebrows - he’s got two. Hazard’s also been fouled more in two games possibly than the entire club combined last season. Oscar has the more daunting task of filling the shirt of Didier Drogba. He’ll have to grow about eight inches and 3 stone to come close.

The winning goal was scored by none other than Fernando Torres who now has two goals in three matches. Was the goal offside? Sure. But top tip to Reading, play until the whistle goes - don’t assume the linesman knows what he’s doing. More often than not, they don’t. Another top tip for Reading, if you’re going to send Adam Federici into the box to try and score - you might want to make sure he’s going to get back to his net if Chelsea happens to counter attack - which is exactly what they did. Federici: you weren’t in a foot race with Usain Bolt, if Branislav Ivanovic is going to outrun you, you deserve to lose.

The match, of course, did not go by without random stadium hijinks. Although, no pitch invaders just yet, there were some problems upstairs. If there was a scramble in the box and a goal was scored - one could be forgiven for getting the goal scorer wrong. But when Frank Lampard takes, and scores, a penalty - something he’s done about 42 times for the club, it’s hard to not know who the goal scorer was. That took some effort for whoever was on the Stamford Bridge screens last night as they proudly put up John Terry as Chelsea’s the goal scorer. Either the man in charge had nipped into some of my gin or he was referring to a wholly different type of game.

To make up for such an embarrassing gaff, they tried to take the attention away from them - and the match by telling the Reading supporters to sit down as they were bothering their own fans. And then letting the entire stadium that someone had lost their phone. I’m as big a phone addict as any, but I’m not sure it was entirely necessary to tell 41,000 supporters that someone had lost their phone in the middle of the first half. Probably something that could have been saved for half time. 

Chelsea should count themselves lucky, as Reading could have easily come away with a point last night. However, it’s not always how you play the game - but who ends up with the points at the end of ninety minutes. And if watching United play poorly and win these past few years, if cliched papers are anything to go by, that’s a sign of champions - forget the whole playing well and winning bollocks. 

Chelsea take on Newcastle at the Bridge this Saturday at 5.30, while Reading head to the Stadium of Light where Martin O’Neill is in the midst of trying to sign 143 different players. Will he manage to sneak a couple in before the weekend to try and contain Pavel Pogrebnyak? Will Chelsea be bringing Victor Moses to London? 

Roll on the weekend

jb x

Shenanigans at the Bridge

Doubters: the photographic evidence it was
not me molesting players.

There was something in the air that night....

Ok, I’ve been antsy waiting to break out an ABBA tribute to Chelsea’s highlighted striker, but he’s been waiting for his time to sparkle - otherwise known as the always untimely African Cup of Nations. Watch this space for a repeat....

That being said, there’s certainly been the air in and around Stamford Bridge. I don’t know if it’s the tip outside Kishmish, or the wind has been blowing funny from Battersea Power Station but there’s definitely something afoot that has been causing hilarity wreaking havoc amongst those inside - and no I don’t mean the players you cheeky monkeys.

After some dodgy results, Chelsea had the good fortune of hosting Stephen Hunt and co. Seemed straight forward, all the goals and such. By the time Chelsea managed to actually find the back of the goal for a third time, the elation was so great that whoever is in charge of the PA deemed it appropriate to throw on some House of Pain - while the match was actually going. Surreal? definitely. Option for a new theme song? Well, not as of recent results, but nevermind.

Was this tribute to early nineties “hip-hop” the only exploit that made me question how many people are actually getting into some very early holiday punch?* Obviously no, or this would end here an couldn’t really count as mischief.

Next up, Chelsea faced Valencia in one of the ‘must-win’ situations that they have got themselves into. As most all of the games now fit that category it doesn’t really narrow it down. Onto the match where Drogba reminded everyone that he’s looking for a new contract why he’s world class with an early goal setting the pace of the game. In reality, Valencia were poor. But how poor could they be? Poor enough for two pitch invaders to not only disrupt the game by running around Walcott style**, but one even managed to dispossess the Valencia midfield without much trouble. With such a willingness to get stuck in and win the ball like that, Meireles broke into such a sweat that his ‘real’ tattoos started to run.

After seeing that just about anyone could impact a game at Stamford Bridge, the fourth official for the match against Manchester City thought he could have a go himself. The match was progressing as normally as any match that features Mario Balotelli could go. Maybe the torrential downpour that night had dampened the tomfoolery. It hadn’t. Mark Halsey  decided that being older and wiser than the ever swarthy AVB that he should make the necessary substitution. After AVB had words with the incorrect numbers flashing up on the substitution board, Halsey turned to the City side and offered them the same help. As punishment, Halsey has been ordered to remain in the technical area within spitting distance of Overlord Ferg throughout December. Lesson learned. 

If you see a pattern emerging - rare wins wreaking comedic havoc - you can forget about that. The final match of the calendar year saw even more pitch invading fun. Although this plucky little fellow wasn’t skilled to show up footballers with tekkers, he did manage to go unspotted. Because there is always supposed to be an extra man on the pitch without shirt or shoes? Who knows how he evaded the crack group of stewards at Stamford Bridge? He managed to get himself out there for a cuddle with Petr Cech before running up to El Cap-i-tain. It’s unclear whether he managed to get a word out after trying to snog JT before being unceremoniously tackled in the centre circle. You may think that this shy and unassuming fellow went off quietly, but he did what I learned to do when I was about 3, go limp and it makes you almost impossible to drag anywhere. Clearly he didn’t think it through as without anything on his feet, he slid pretty easily along the length of the pitch. With both originality and timing to break up a pretty abysmal day, Pitch Invader, I salute you.

Roll on 2012 and remember...

Get up, stand up, come on! Come on, throw your hands up

If you've got the feeling jump across the ceiling!

jb xx

*I may or may not have been one of those people. I can neither confirm or deny this fact. Whether I can remember or not is beside the point.

**Quickly, but without much purpose - but I’m sure you sussed that out.