Stoke vs Chelsea: The One Without The Special One

No good ever comes of listening to Rio

At least all the speculation about what would happen to Chelsea if Jose Mourinho weren’t stalking around in the technical area can end now, right? Another game - another loss. Which, let’s be honest, has really put Chelsea in a bit of a pickle. And by pickle I mean they have fewer points than 2 of the 3 promoted teams and have a worse defensive record than Newcastle. Newcastle!

And all this just as Chelsea enter the dreaded month of November where a point is rarely gained. Try and not tempt fate by waxing lyrical about how it could possibly get worse. There is always a way - Chelsea would definitely find a way. Keep in mind that not only is Being Brendan Rodgers sniffing around for work, but David Moyes has been let go from his position at Real Sociedad for his failed attempts at saying his players names. No one wants Cesar Azpilicueta to go through that.

Saturday’s late kick-off would see Chelsea face Stoke for the second time in just under a fortnight - but this time without Jose Mourinho. But was it really? A man who is willing to hide in a laundry skip to give important team talks isn’t exactly going to leave Steve Holland and Rui Faria to their own devices. Mourinho said as much in his pre-match presser when asked who would be taking care of the substitutions - he said it would be him. I was hoping for some sort of bat signal shining high above the Britannia to indicate who should be coming on / off. But alas, it looked like some very suspect iPad use was in place instead.

So rather than dissect the actual match - because ***k knows how Chelsea managed to lose this one, we can take a little look see at talking points. And not to worry, none of this 5 things we learned b*llocks.

Mourinho’s Absence

The most obvious of all. Sky’s camera was loving a lingering shot of that empty seat. It felt more dramatic than when that Ewok died in Return of the Jedi. The three assistants looked more than a little unsure about making any decisions - possibly in fear of an actual flogging later. And while it was nice that Faria and Holland shared the notebook - it was a bit harsh on poor Louro who definitely wanted in on the making notes action.

The Fans

Mourinho wasn’t completely in absentia. With a rumour circulating before the match that the entire away end would be sporting Jose masks, I was really hoping Mourinho would don one himself and pop up there. One is never more hidden than when in plain sight. A few of those masks did turn up along with a full size cardboard cutout. Kudos to whoever snuck that under their jacket past the stewards.

The Stewards

Well one steward in particular - and keep in mind this was an adult man. With the ball out of play, none of the stewards were going to be quick about getting it back to Chelsea. Fair play. But in doing so they had now awoken the beast and invited him over to get the ball himself. Although the video is unclear as to exactly what was tread upon, it's possible Costa may tread upon a baby toe or just awkwardly bent down to grab the ball. Despite Stoke going on to win. Despite being surrounded by other stewards and police. Despite being a grown man. This steward thought he’d try and get one over on Chelsea and report Costa for assault. If that amount of contact equates to assault, he may want to steer clear of London and and the tube at rush hour. He’ll be citing attempted homicide.

The Penalty

Loïc Remy doesn’t get many moments these days and desperately takes any chances he’s given. Yet Saturday he found himself penalised for doing whatever he could just to stay on his feet. While the few and misguided have tried to offer reason saying no contact / no penalty - the rest of us all know that’s a load of old b*llocks. Remy was impeded by Jack Butland and forced to hurdle him. As Frank Lampard’s cousin pointed out, Remy was “too honest” and could have “just dragged his foot” to draw the foul which would have resulted in a penalty. Note to referees - this is the very reason people dive. Not that I support diving, but if something like this isn’t going to be given, there is no incentive for a player to stay on his feet.

Frank Lampard

With Jose Mourinho holed up in a laundry skip the away end creeping from the moon like the John Lewis advert the team hotel, there was no one to take care of official media duties for Chelsea. While it's always nice to get someone directly involved with the match to offer up their thoughts, Sky's audiences were treated to a little extra Frank Lampard. Looking to fill the air time where comments from Mourinho and a player would come, Lampard stepped up and spoke on the club's behalf.  And while this may be a one off, there is a strong possibility of Chelsea sending no one out for 'official media duties' again. With US Soccerball all but done for the year, Chelsea should consider an offer for Lampard to be on-call for any and all media duties for the forseeable future.

jb x