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| Laughing at your teammate after you score and he doesn't? Priceless |
Well it’s back. And we all know I’d be easier than the cast of Geordie Shore. I tried to ignore the re-emergence of Champions League, but with a theme tune like that - how could I deny it? Sure, it was alluring enough when the groups were drawn, but not irresistible. Especially with the wank groups gifted to Manchester United and Barcelona...again, I was definitely able to ignore the many Heineken advertisements.
The Chelsea faithful managed a decent protest against the raise in ticket pricing and called for a boycott of the game. In theory, I was on board. Ignore my nemesis - the Champions League? Yes. Done. Easy....or is it? First, my mates were all going...but I was still going to take a stance against this persistent abuser of my senses. Oh no, wait, now someone has offered me a ticket...a Champions League ticket. One that would see the return of one Herr Ballack. Of course I crumbled and went with blind enthusiasm that should really only be reserved for children in fairgrounds. And as with most group stages - Chelsea’s time in the Champion’s League did not fail to disappoint.
Herr Ballack was given the reception that was due both before kick off and again when he was substituted late in the game. His would not be the only standing ovation of the night. Further ovations were offered to Danny Sturridge and David Luiz. Feel free to refer to the last blog to see me waffling on about Sturridge. And as for Luiz, yes, he was the goal scorer, but what really surprised me was that he took full control of our back line. That’s right, Branislav Ivanovic did what that man with *that* hair told him to. I’ll let you take a moment to really think about that.
And not to be repetitive, but actually to be completely repetitive - another fantastic performance from Torres. With a £50M price tag, no one will ever hear the end of his shortcomings until he starts scoring himself, but his work rate is phenomenal as is his selflessness. He constantly looked up for it, and has no problem moving into a wide position to get the ball into the box for say.....little Juan Mata. And although Mata was again great, er, who’s idea was it for him to take corners?
FloMo, if you’re reading this (which you obviously are) - physically harm him if you have to. I know that he looks exactly like the manager which makes things confusing, but he should never be allowed near a corner flag again.
Apparently there were some other English teams also involved in this. I don’t want to ruin it for you, but they all drew (as did some team from Spain - they keep it on the downlow, but they are sponsored by a charity making them infinitely better than all of you).
Arsene, I told you before - Gunnersaurus at centre back. You can thank me later.
Fergie, I know that you’re a fan of whiskey and gum, but it has done your waistline no favours whatsoever. Clearly you’ve been hiding this Andy Reid diet under your suit jacket. Either make friends with vegetables or I’m going to have to issue you a touchline ban for any country warm enough that sees you take off the jacket. Also, I realise you're not used to compliments and that (and you won't as you continue to expand), but when someone appreciates the skills shown by your starting keeper, it is not necessarily some diabolical attack on the one you didn't play. It could in fact be a genuine appreciation shown to his skill and your insight in signing him. So, maybe have yourself a steam with Giggsy, chill out (and cheers for not playing him this coming weekend).
Yaya, Dzeko (or is that one person?) and co., the crossbar is not your friend. Please look back to Didier Drogba’s actual attack on it. Works a treat. <warning: do not take it to f*cking disgrace levels>
Michael Owen, you probably should have brought that challenging horsey jigsaw puzzle you started a few weeks back. As sad as it is for me to discuss this, it makes me feel a little sadder that I think you may not have finished it yet. Thankfully, those seats on the bench are pretty cosy.
Anders Lindegaard, you may want to avoid the jigsaw puzzling Mr. Owen. You may be surprised to learn this, but he's actually your teammate. Difficult to tell while he's cosied up next to the Berba. I realise your stance is that you don't want to pick Nani's nose. If you're hoping to maintain that enthusiasm, just steer clear of that vortex where a striker once was.
And finally....
Adidas, who's idea was it there to have Chelsea's CL training kits and bibs done up to match traffic cones? Genuinely, it was slightly worrying as it appeared the stewards would make up the bench on Tuesday evening. It was like some type of perverted camouflage. If this is how Chelsea engages in 'mindgames', by hiding the team amongst the stewards, I'm going to suggest we step it up and remember the good times of managers hiding in laundry bins.
Roll on the weekend...or Europa league tonight if you fancy that sort of thing.
jb xx
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