Chelsea vs Manchester United: The One That Even Kante Scored

'Hello pot, this is the kettle. You're black'

The awkward moment when you’re forced to come face to face with an ex. Try as you might to pretend that they cease to exist in the universe - surely I’m not the only one - they do. They’re out there. Oh, and they’re with someone else and there’s not a single thing you can do about it. Words get said. You overanalyse them. They take on a life of their own. And by the time you are unwillingly dragged into this unwanted encounter by that bastard fate you have to force yourself to man up. Inevitably there is a winner and loser in these relationships - and Chelsea very much found themselves the former.


Jose Mourinho broke the rule which exes should abide by - to go away. Not that most Chelsea supporters wanted to see the back of him. But if the board wanted to impart a conscious uncoupling between JM and the players then the right thing to do would have been for Mourinho to see out his days happily somewhere on the continent. Maybe a return to Italy? Or a stint in Paris where he and Rui Faria could happily stroll along the Seine.

It left the fans with a bit of a quandary on their hands Sunday afternoon. They didn’t want rid of him. But they didn’t want to see his face every day loving up the man bun that is Zlatan Ibrahimovic. Or pretending that now he's so happy with his new partner he even loves Juan Mata after callously selling him off like cattle. Mourinho brought success and comedy in almost equal measures to the club. A feat that will never be forgotten or unappreciated. But it wasn’t the best laid of plans for Mourinho to say he didn’t care what reception that he got from the fans that stood by him through thick and very, very thin last season.

And let’s be honest - he cared. If he hadn’t, he would have sauntered out of that tunnel and given a wave to his new fan club from around the corner. Instead, Jose waited until the last moment before emerging to take his seat. It felt wrong to see him turning right rather than left. But thanks to Pedro David De Gea Chelsea did not have too long to brood over these new seating arrangements. With a flash, Chelsea found themselves 1-0 up. And just like that, the levels of awkward seemed to dissipate — at least for some of us. It was going to be a very long afternoon for others.

After Mourinho’s side very purposefully played out a nil-nil at Anfield on Monday, Chelsea forced his hand very early. Not everyone was even in the ground kind of early <insert joke about Manchester United's defence here>. Conceding a goal in the first minute doesn’t really allow a team to sit back, soak up pressure and hope for something on the counter attack. Manchester United were forced to attack leaving them open to Chelsea’s front three potentially running riot.

Gary Cahill continued his confusing season with a lovely goal in the 21st minute to double Chelsea’s lead. I don’t want to take anything away from his goal, of course, as he struck the ball well. And celebrated like he was being lifted by Johnny Castle. But he was helped along by his positional compatriots. Chris Smalling stood back to admire Gary at work, and who could blame him? While Daley Blind’s bottom ensured that Cahill’s goal got over the line. Who doesn’t like to watch solid teamwork in action?

After furious scribbling in his notebook throughout the opening 45 minutes, Mourinho decided that Marouane Fellaini’s elbows were not performing to plan and he’d go on a wind up. He only went and brought on Juan Mata as an obvious adorable distraction for the Chelsea faithful. But he underestimated Mata’s lingering affection for his former club and teammates. He was tasked with ‘marking’ Eden Hazard. And by marking I mean letting Hazard do whatever he wants. Which to be fair, just about every other United player on the pitch had done throughout the afternoon. Hazard’s goal had been coming from kick-off - but it took a whole FORTY! minutes from Cahill’s for the little Belgian beauty to find the back of the net. Feel free to take a minute here just to think about that goal again. No one will blame you.

At this point, Jose Mourinho sensed his side could be in a spot of bother. And it was time to go all out attack with Anthony Martial. A once dangerous player who he has somehow squeezed the life out of in mere months. But nevermind, he needed 3+ goals in 25 minutes so obviously he turned to a striker that he clearly doesn’t trust himself. Standard.

Within 5 minutes of this savvy substitution, Manchester United were about to face the most devastating blow of the afternoon. N’Golo Kanté doing his best impression of an unnamed Argentinian. He ran around United’s defence like they were statues to slot in Chelsea’s fourth of the day.

The four goal cushion freed the Don to make his own substitutions before the 85th minute and see out the rest of his afternoon as head cheerleader for the East Stand. And let’s be honest, they need all the help they can get. Before the afternoon was out, United's manager was given a lovely rendition of 'Jose Mourinho' which he politely acknowledged with a little wave. Nostalgia kicked in. He looked over at the tiny little Italian who'd so quickly won Chelsea fans over and it was all too much. The straw had broke the proverbial Portuguese camel’s back. And there were some words exchanged at the final whistle.

In relationships - there is a winner and there is a loser. But no one has ever said the loser has to be gracious. All’s fair in love and all that. Between the disaassembly of his current partner and the affection his ex appear to have for the man who only recently replaced him was all too much. Mourinho decided to have a private on camera next to a microphone moment with Antonio Conte to explain touchline decorum.

The Rules:

It’s only ok for him, Jose Mourinho, to pump his fits, run down touchlines, slide on his knees and generally celebrate like a maniac. It is not ok for anyone else to show enthusiasm for an emphatic win when it is against him. With one provision - if you are a single goal up with 89 minutes still to be played, you are allowed to celebrate that goal in hopes that it will come back to embarrass you Pardew style. He’s nothing if not diplomatic that Jose Mourinho.

Six more months and we get to do it all again. Roll on Wednesday

jb xx