Chelsea vs Everton: The One Where One Paper Thought Ivanovic Became a Vampire

Ivanovic is a man who just needs a cuddle

I don't want to ruin anything Daily Mail, but it looks like it's been left to me to tell you -- vampires aren't a real thing. I know, it's hard to grasp. With the questionable popularity of things like Twilight -- or for those of a certain generation Interview with a Vampire. But they aren't real. And when a player bites another player, those tendencies and cravings for human flesh are not transferred. It is a Luis Suárez specific condition I'm afraid.

This may have come as a shock, so I'll understand if you need to take a minute here DM...