Chelsea v Arsenal: The One Where Gabriel Got Costa'd

Diego Costa's Heatmap

Apologies for the tardy posting of this, but I’d been waiting for Santi Cazorla to get off the pitch before starting this. Rumour has it, he’s still there …

Always nice when an Arsenal v Chelsea match goes so smoothly, without incident. And we can all just discuss the great game of football that was before us. With pre-match press conference questions like ‘are you going to shake each other’s hand’ and ‘is that your battle haircut, Jose I love you’ it’s safe to assume this was always going to be the tone whether Mr Costa helped proceedings along or not.

An actual game did break out here and there over the course of the 90 minutes. Arsenal started the better of the two sides. But since that pesky Yokohama came to fruition, did we really expect any different? Chelsea did get to grips with themselves for the first time this season (because Maccabi Tel Aviv doesn’t count). With a half hour gone, things looked to be under control for the hosts.

But Chelsea beating Arsenal again / Mourinho getting one over on Wenger ... again was all going to be pedestrian. Step up Diego Costa, Chelsea’s telenovela star.

While Costa thoughtfully shaded the sun from Laurent Koscielny’s eyes in the box, Gabriel became overwrought with jealousy and stepped in to declare his true feelings. The two got into a heated discussion about what they’d had before, when they were together in Spain. Gabriel, hoping to be Costa’s little spoon, backed into the Sprazilian and extended a toe back just to get a touch. But it wasn’t to be. Costa wanted no part of Gabriel’s advances and looked to Mike Dean to put an end to it all. Gabriel was dismissed. And like any scorned woman, wanted to take out anyone and everyone in her path.

Arsene Wenger saw this as an opportunity to ensure he still had a back four by bringing on Calum Chambers. To balance out the defensively savvy move, defensive midfielder Francis Coquelin was the man he replaced. Coquelin had been nursing an injury, so unlikely would have made the full 90 minutes like 82% of his teammates. I’m not saying Alexis Sanchez or Mesut Ozil weren’t having the best of games (they weren’t), but maybe one of them could have made way a little sooner and not left Arsenal’s delicate back four completely exposed.

With no DM to tackle and Calum Chambers in the back four, Chelsea only went and did a goal shortly after half-time. Kurt Zouma managed to take time away from his day of containing Theo Walcott to get on the end of a glorious free-kick taken by Cesc Fàbregas. The two then ventured into a competition as to who could celebrate the goal better. Although tempting to give it to Zouma who was reminiscent of a certain Special Juan, I have to say Fàbregas just edges him for enthusiastic persistence.

Such celebrations from Cesc obviously played on the minds of the Arsenal X. None more so than cheerful chipmunk Santi Cazorla. Cazorla snapped. No longer wanting to face the smug joy from Premier League winning Fàbregas, he attempted to tackle the bejesus out of Cesc’s ankle. Cazorla received a second yellow for his efforts and was told to go bury his nuts for the winter make his way to the dressing room. Cue the longest walk across the pitch since Eva Carneiro's against Swansea.

Another red for Arsenal. Another goal for Chelsea. This time Eden Hazard finally scored. The little Belgian has scored in each of his last 3 games against Arsenal at Stamford Bridge. Some of those goals may or may not have been penalties. They still count.

Despite how much fun a good dose of petulance and handbags can be, the FA are not partial to seeing it that way. They’re basically Reverend Shaw Moore to our Footloose town of football frivolity. As of Monday, the FA charged Diego Costa for ‘violent conduct’, Gabriel for ‘improper conduct’, both Arsenal and Chelsea for failing to control the actors in the panto, and Santi Cazorla using his departure as an homage to Per Mertesacker.

The fun doesn’t stop there kids. The FA have deemed the three match Gabriel was to receive unnecessary and have upheld Arsenal’s appeal. The appeal the was made after Arsene Wenger said that "Gabriel is guilty for getting involved of course he should not have reacted at all”. But they have upheld their charge of improper conduct. In other words, they could still punish him for protesting a refereeing decision which they themselves have overturned.

In light of this development, like the ever-changing offside rule, the FA could see fit to add an amendment to the rulebook. That if any player finds themselves particularly wound-up by the sh*thousery of one Diego Costa, or being Costa’d if you will, they will be allowed a certain degree of leniency with the actual rules to allow for sad little kicks and the like.

UPDATE: Diego Costa did get charged for the faux outrage from the masses and will serve a 2 match + Walsall ban for upsetting the delicate constitution of the precious petal that is Gabriel.

In light of Saturday's match, Arsenal fans have decided to protest against Costa Coffee. In other words, they are willing to pay more for their match-day lattes elsewhere and there’s nothing any one of you can do about it. So there.

And finally, who’s idea was it to put a giant plastic watch in the Matthew Harding Lower on the same day Chelsea host Clock End enthusiasts, Arsenal?! It looks crass enough as it is - but absolutely shocking timing. No pun intended. OK maybe a little intended.

jb x