Chelsea vs Arsenal: The One without a goal

It won't be the last ... 

Literally the worst time that any team can face Arsenal is the moment when they appear to be just your type on paper. Disarray in the dressing room. Having their ground taken over by a bunch of Germans. Failing to get even a single goal past Liverpool's dodgy back line. Everyone has written them off and expects them to concede another 4. Everyone gets lulled into this false sense of security and then bam. Their balls drop. They pull together and put in a performance. While on balance of play a draw was fair, Arsenal probably had the better chances. Thankfully the posts and offside flag were in full effect.

Arsenal vs Chelsea: The One That Arsenal Scored Against Chelsea

Gary Cahill A man in desperate need of a spa day

I think it’s safe to say that Saturday did not go to plan. Unless the plan was to show complete and utter derision to the very notion of organisation. If that were the case then I think Chelsea did an admirable job in those opening 45 minutes.

Branislav Ivanovic was quoted on the club’s site after the game saying that the players didn’t believe in what they were doing at the start of the match. What does that even mean?! That despite an actual decent run of results under a seasoned and decorated manage, on this particular occasion you didn’t quite buy into what he was selling?

Even if Antonio Conte had a terrible plan in place to face Arsenal - it would have been miles better than literally anything that happened in front of our eyeballs for 40 minutes. It got to the point that Chelsea looked so bewildered that Petr Cech briefly considered letting in a pity goal or two. 

Chelsea v Swansea: The One Where Diego Costa Got a Haircut

Who is this?

Before I waffle on about the happenings on the pitch this weekend, I have to take a moment and say that more than the actual result, the knee-jerk reactions at the pub on the FIRST DAY of the season was more than a little shocking. Especially from those that fall into the ‘should know better’ category. Serious moaning about how Chelsea haven’t played well in years, been papering over the cracks, and how the manager should be dismissed in favour of someone who has fresher ideas about tactics. Peak short-termism.

To those fans: Chelsea tried those managers - you hated them too. For the first half of last season, before the suspensions, injuries and tired legs kicked in - Chelsea played some of the best football they had done in years. Formidable, attacking and fun to watch. Actual journalists were impressed. And the most important point is -- it was the first match of the season, get a grip.

Arsenal v Chelsea: The One With No Handshake (at Wembley)

Every good thing must come to an end - as does any significant run in football. Jose Mourinho boasted an infamous record against best mate Arsene Wenger, but it couldn’t go on forever. Of course the proverbial monkey was lifted off of Wenger’s back in arguably the most Arsenal way ever - in a pre-season match that counts for little more than a few days of bragging rights. It only took 14 tries, so well done and all that.

Chelsea are good at many things. The Charity Community Shield is not one of them. Including Sunday’s trip to Wembley, Chelsea have lost in 5 of their last 6 attempts at starting the season with a glorified plate. David Moyes won it for United, and we all know how well that turned out. The match and result mattered far more to the Arsenal fans who turned up in their best Benzema shirts and Petr Cech helmets to mark the occasion. No really.

Asmir Begovic Won't Settle for Second Best

Diego, meet Asmir

It’s easy to be cynical about transfers with the bloated figures that surround them. Most players earn more in a week than I’ll see in a lifetime. The bastards. So when a first-choice goalkeeper moves to a team with an established keeper in place, it’s natural to assume that it’s simply a money move. That the player wants nothing more than to update his social medial channels from the warm embrace of the bench.

This certainly seemed like the case for Asmir Begovic who left his role as first choice goalkeeper at Stoke to, by and large, Thibaut Courtois’ understudy. But is he really a player looking for an easy ride and a better view of the game than any one of us have.* He might just have ambitions that go beyond keeping Cuadrado Salah Falcao (other players may be available) company on the bench.

PSG v Chelsea: The One Where the Result Didn't Matter

Diego Costa doesn't do friendlies

Chelsea had the opportunity to take revenge for their Champions League exit! Or so the buildup to last night’s pre-season friendly would have you believe. But a pre-season friendly in America doesn’t quite hold the same gravitas amongst fans as say the actual Champions League. Shocking revelations, I know.

Aside from the obvious shirt sale extravaganzas, the matches are meant to prepare the team for games that actually matter. Or pseudo competitions like next week’s big plate competition - otherwise known as the first time Chelsea have to see Petr Cech in the wrong kit. The oh so very wrong kit.

Chelsea vs Everton: The One Where One Paper Thought Ivanovic Became a Vampire

Ivanovic is a man who just needs a cuddle

I don't want to ruin anything Daily Mail, but it looks like it's been left to me to tell you -- vampires aren't a real thing. I know, it's hard to grasp. With the questionable popularity of things like Twilight -- or for those of a certain generation Interview with a Vampire. But they aren't real. And when a player bites another player, those tendencies and cravings for human flesh are not transferred. It is a Luis Suárez specific condition I'm afraid.

This may have come as a shock, so I'll understand if you need to take a minute here DM...

Chelsea vs Newcastle: The One Where Time Was Wasted

So many happy faces

Despite the recent emergence of Newcastle as Chelsea’s ‘bogey’ team, the home side looked like they should have romped to an easy victory -- on paper. But it never really does work out that way, does it?! Promises of random squad rotation and dodgy keepers abounded. But somehow Newcastle's lengthy list of injries was all but forgotten with Tim Krul recovring in time to make his first appearance since November, along with Jamie Carragher's first choice manager -- Fabricio Coloccini.

Luckily for Chelsea, John Carver was still in charge of the North East side so to speak. The tactics he chose to impart were a) let Rémy Cabella do whatever he wants because he basically can. And b) time waste at each and every given opportunity - from minute 1 -- even if you’re chasing the game. The time wasting went from frustrating to baffling as it was the only real mark that Newcastle left on the game (outside of Cabella’s brilliant performance).

Chelsea vs Maribor: The one where Drogba scored a CL penalty (again)

Before all those goals - the view from the press box

With no sign of Diego Costa or his hamstring anywhere near the pitch last night, Loïc Remy got the call to start up front. However, within minutes of the game kicking off it was evident that Costa was not the only one carrying an injury. Remy’s understudy on the night, Didier Drogba, began warming up after just 10 minutes. Nevertheless the Frenchman wasn’t going to let any underlying pain stop him from finding the back of the net. Remy scored from a through ball from John Terry that would have made Cesc Fàbregas proud. But that would be Remy’s sole contribution on the night as he winced his way down the tunnel.

As Chelsea continued with a wave of attacks upon the Slovenian champions, Ales Mertelj thought he should just scoop the ball out of his own 18 yard box and in doing so gave the home side a penalty. Although Eden Hazard has an outstanding record from the spot, Drogba stepped up to take this one, scoring 886 days after his last goal for Chelsea.

Chelsea vs Leicester: Drogba Returns

CB, RB, CF - what can't he do?

After a massive win over the team voted most likely to re-visit the Championship next season, Chelsea took on the challenge of yet another promotion side this Saturday. An ideal start for the club on paper, but it was these games that by and large lost Chelsea the league last season. So it was with apprehension (and possibly some alcohol) that I crossed over to the right side of the river and headed to Stamford Bridge.

Courtouis got the call ahead of Cech once again and once again he came up with some decent saves. At his age, there’s mistakes in there to be made, but he’s currently looking like a solid option. He might want to think about accessorising as well as Cech in order to make the transition smoother for some of us (just me).

Saturday’s game wasn’t quite the walk Monday’s was as Leicester have refused in their opening games to be the meek promoted side that we all secretly hoped they’d be. After their performance against Everton, Chelsea were braced for a fight but it didn’t stop the first half from falling a bit flat.

Burnley vs Chelsea: Cesc Bomb

No gloves. No helmet. No party.

What a difference a day makes and that. Yes, I'm starting out the season with a ridiculous cliché / fantastically good song. And by day I really mean the difference in mood from the team sheets being leaked to the final whistle. Of course this all just could me having a massive strop while the rest of you were in various states of inebriation from your trip up on the football special.

I was not happy that Petr Cech was dropped*. There. I've said it. I know that all Chelsea supporters should all just be looking for a bright clean sheet infused future. But after the upheaval of some of the greatest talent we've seen at Chelsea in recent years I'm afraid that my delicate constitution could not handle another. Especially one who arguably has years rather than months ahead of him.

Swansea vs Chelsea: Continuing the BA-ttle

"Hold Me Closer, Tony Danza"

If Sunday's early game did anything it was to throw Chelsea supporters into a bit of a wobble as they tried to do some quick math and put personal feelings aside. Which result would be most palatable pitted against which result would benefit Chelsea's title hopes the most. Taking a moment here to curse Pulis' Palace for this decision even having to be made and then moving on.

Mathematically, a Liverpool win was Chelsea's most beneficial result, as distasteful as it felt. If Chelsea went on to beat Swansea (spoiler alert: they did) it would mean that if Chelsea don't Palace it up again and win their remaining 4 (FOUR!) games with City dropping a couple of points in one of their 26 games in hand - we could see Mourinho wear a trophy like a crown once again.

Sounds easy enough. Chelsea have shown time and again this season that they know how to handle a big match matching title challengers and just about every step. The crux of that ,of course, is 3 of Chelsea's 4 remaining games are against relegation fodder. The fixtures that recall the recent trips to Palace and Villa or even the visit from London's Eastenders.

Hull vs Chelsea: Tigers Tamed

"You've Changed ... "

After seeing Chelsea play Hull on the opening day of the season, Hull looked sure to be heading back to the Championship sooner than later. Cut to 5 months later and they've joined the mid-table likes of Aston Villa and Manchester United with an impressively solid look about that at home. Saturday's lunchtime kick off was not going to be like the fun and games of the opening day.

Basel vs Chelsea: Winning Is Too Mainstream

Basel's manager or back-up Bond villain

Rather than bask in the fact that Chelsea would not yet be relegated back to Thursday Night Cup as they had unceremoniously last season - the Chelsea twitterati seemed to go into a miniature meltdown as to the display they had just witnessed. Don't get me wrong, it didn't make for pretty viewing, and I'm going to get into a bit of a ramble about it myself. But the outrage was slightly misplaced. At the end of the day sometimes a loss is a win, and on this occasion, makes Chelsea's knock-out stage qualification a little less mainstream, and a little more fun.


Chelsea vs West Brom: The Apprentice Becomes the Master (Almost)

Language!!

Although the only two losses to West Brom have resulted in a change of manager, Jose could feel fairly confident that his job would be safe no matter the outcome – at least with regards to this fixture. Taking charge of his 100^th Premier League game, it was fitting that he was facing his former assistant. Rather than a rivalry, there was a ridiculous, beautiful love-in. Unconfirmed that Clarke and Mourinho were holding hands while walking out of the tunnel together.

Schalke vs Chelsea: A Torres'd Time of It

Torres finally has his head in the game

All week the papers have been warning London about severe weather warnings were imminent. They failed to mention the elusive storm, otherwise known as El Nino, would make its way from the capital to Germany.

Chelsea's April Fool Manages To Put United Out of Another Cup

May As Well Have Been In Qatar for this One too

In true holiday spirit, Rafa Benitez tried to resurrect the possibility of anyone considering him a viable option at their club next season by putting all his eggs into one giant Budweiser sponsored FA Cup shaped basket. He made this abundantly clear in the lineup selected for Chelsea’s league match against Southampton. He wants a trophy to attempt to continue the mystique of his insightful tactics. But maybe even more than advancing further in the Cup, Benitez was trying to get one over on his favourite frenemy ‘the manager of Manchester United.’ Chelsea managed to put United out of one cup this season - will it be two? And is that more important to Benitez than winning any himself?

That Time of the Month

Cech: The One. The Only.
Have a happy period.

Who would have thought that having a lady physio would come in quite as handy as it did for Chelsea this weekend. As Cech's already reinforced head took another beating (the one on his shoulders you little sauce pots), Dr Eva came to the rescue. Lucky for all of us that it was *that* time for her and she managed to instantaneously procure some tampons. I'll pause here for you all to dry heave a little at the thought of lady time.

We good now? Another minute maybe (because it's only going to get worse from here)...

Eva may need a raise as she's clearly not sprung for sanitary products with extra leak protection. Cech's nose continued to bleed like ....oh, even I can't continue that one. Anyways, King of Tampax managed to keep a very rare clean sheet with some assistance from Ramires. Someone has needed to step up in defence, who knew it would be such an unlikely candidate. Either way, Petr Cech is MOTM* for me as it simply takes some serious bollocks to stand in front of 31000 men with tampons in your nose a broken nose and get on with your job as well as he did.

In honour of SAF's anniversary I hope that you all spent the weekend very much intoxicated and rarely making sense. Just me then? I thought not.. It was always a given that Steve Bruce would gift the geezer with another 3 points. But for Wes Brown to step up and score for United must have made it all the more special. To be fair, after the number of own goals Brown has already been at fault for against United, he does probably owe him one.

And with no one caring about the International Friendlies until it actually coming to team selection, it was nice of Capello to finally listen to my badgering about Danny Sturridge. Studge has finally got the big call up for England as Capello is testing out a Rooney free starting XI. If these are meant to prepare correctly for Euros, Don Fabio may have just got things right there. And to continue what is hovering on a compliment of Capello's selection, he's actually stood behind Terry and the innocent until proven guilty mantra. He could have saved a lot of time and trouble if he'd thought about that when it came to John's P in a V...but no matter. And to prove my sanity sobriety skepticism at Capello's acumen, Micah Richards has been pushed out by Glen Johnson. It is the only time that Johnson would be able to win a one on one with just about anyone even with the help of a bullish Italian.

Enjoy the break!

jb xx

* Ok, we all know it'd be Frank for knowing when to go get down and use his head.**

** That may or may not have been the gin strawberry ribena talking.

Red Cards, Blue Shirts and 'Colour' Commentary

Mario Balotelli's Flying Circus

Deary me, another weekend another accusation of racism. I may be blatantly am a little bias here, but I think the parties aren't quite as sinister. We all know that Chelsea have a bit of a proper naughty captain, but he's not a complete div. He's not exactly going to say blatantly racist things to someone while Ashley Cole is right next to him. The one thing we can all take away from this? There are a phenomenal amount of lip reading experts on twitter. I now have a backup plan when I lose my hearing from going to one too many gigs.

Racist accusations aside, QPR's cup final was nothing if not interesting - for the neutrals. The home fans got to see there team manage to hold their own once Chelsea were reduced to 9 men. I know I'd certainly be giving it large to the away support seeing my team just barely manage to keep their one goal lead with 2 extra players on, plus the genius that is Tom Henning Overbo Chris Foy's refereeing tekkers. Good one Rangers.

Some of you out there may be wondering what Drogba was possibly thinking with *that* challenge. No disputing it was definitely a straight red. A fairly reliable source told me that it was one Gunnersaurus who convinced Drogba it'd be a good idea to be sent off. Arsenal need all the help they can get, and by preventing Drogba's guaranteed goal(s) against them this weekend, it puts them back on the level. How did this evil mastermind do this? Word on the street was he locked him in a room, plied his eyes open with toothpics and played a video of Torres' goals this season on a loop. Gunnersaurus is one sick Clockwork Orange loving mascot. Be afraid kids, be very afraid.

Facing rampant criticism from the genius that is Alan Hansen, David Luiz should carry that as a badge of honour. Never change DL, never change. You should be afraid when Hansen starts talking sense about you. Sure, your first half was a little dodgy, and you've now given up a fair few penalties, but you always more than make up for it. Central defender taking *that* overhead kick? All is forgiven you silly curly man.

Speaking of a bad day at the office, deary me SAF. Is there any whiskey or red wine left within the NW of England?? I could go on about the actual result, but why discuss actual fixtures and results when there are far better things to come out of that match. Mario Balotelli - comic genius. The appeal of the Christmas party he's planning just got better. I mean, just when you think he can't possibly he out do himself, he only goes and sets his house on fire. That's right. In the leadup to Sunday's derby, Mario put the darts away and thought it would be a great idea to set off fireworks out his bathroom window. Was it an early derby celebration? Or was this an early Guy Fawkes bonfire? Only Mario really knows.

How could Mr Balotelli possibly top such comic follies on a Friday evening? By revealing his "Why Always Me Shirt?" after scoring the opening goal at Old Trafford on Sunday. For a man who wears diamond encrusted shorts, a shirt with some naff hand writing with a sharpie just won't do. Mario bribed charmed City's kit man into making that shirt up for him. Expect to see them on sale next to the bluffer's guide to City any day now.

Roll on the Carling Cup - I know you're all on the edge of your seats unless of course you got embarrassed in the last round. Then of course no one wants to win this anyways.

jb xx

ps. I would be remiss in congratulating Petr Cech for being the only player in Chelsea's starting XI on Sunday to not receive a card from Tom Henning Overbo Chris Foy.