New This Week: Race Rows ... oh...

A. Ferdinand and some "white guy"

Chelsea are definitely amidst a bad moment. From controversies off the pitch to the bigger controversy on it. I can’t even point the finger at the unibrow this week for being any way responsible for yet more goals conceded. However, what’s worse than the excuse for defending are the supporters who can’t stop moaning. These are of course the same ones that want longevity in a manager and then at the first sign of trouble are calling for someone else. Football fans are generally fickle creatures, but this lot is taking it to a new level. AVB has long term plans for the future, it’s very clear. He’s also the man responsible for bringing us Romeu and more importantly Juan Mata -- arguably Chelsea’s best signing in a long time. Basically this is a really long winded ramble to say calm the f*ck down. Chelsea are 12 points out of top spot, but it’s November. Last year Chelsea were 14 points out with a lot less games to go and still managed to challenge for the title. Short memories and such. I could drag out that old still in four competitions trope, but you already know that, right? Now onto the Liverpool supporters, I'm going to tell you what I tell everyone after a bad break up - get over it. Move on. He has. Enjoy your win yesterday, but at the end of the day, Fernando would rather have his hairband in Europe. I'm sorry that when you got your replacement package you thought you were getting a fresh and shiny package, not one that smelled of Newkie Brown and seems to be on a bigger bender than La Lohan.

Things I learned from CFC v LFC

• Luis Suarez teeth do not gain 10lbs on camera, they are that big.
• Adidas should consider the marketing potential if they were to create a full superhero suit for Petr Cech, why stop at a mask?
• Apparently Andy Carroll did play at some point (thank you MOTD2).
• Substitutions in the 85^th minute aren’t really the most effective.
• Craig Bellamy is still a tw*t.

What you missed if you were locked in a closet* for the weekend:

Petr Cech isn’t the only badass behind the posts. Paul Robinson of flicking the vee’s to Don Fabio fame stepped up like any captain should - took a massive kick to the head winning a penalty in the 147^th** ...proper blood down his face and a completely daft bandage to cover up his bald spot the dripping wound.

And to actually continue making a match between Blackburn and Wigan interesting, the Rovers managed to score from a corner where Gamst Pedersen took a corner and passed to Gamst Pedersen. Now I know over the year’s he’s changed the name on his shirt more times than Terry has made trips to the free clinic, but having two names doesn’t make you two players. At least he did his part to keep things interesting for the 83 home supporters that turned up to the DW. 

When he’s not burning down his house or breaking into Italian female prisons, Mario Balotelli actually does play football - and well. Scoring again this weekend he thought better than celebrate why not just fold your arms and terrorize the keeper you just scored on. Sinister. Ok, actually hilarious unless you are Tim Krul of course.

Of course the big news from the week was everyone’s favourite Swiss Miss, Sepp Blatter. How this man has not been put in charge of race relations, I’ll never know - he has ALL the answers.

1. if you racially abuse someone, you should just shake their hand after and all shall be forgotten. (Wayne Bridge and Arsene Wenger may just avoid the comments to avoid this little ritual)
2. if you are accused of being racist yourself, post a picture of yourself with a black man to prove you’re not. I mean you’re willing to pose for a picture, so....
3. if that seems to still fail, turn around and accuse someone else of racism. Surely that will take the heat off of you. 

If you do opt for (c), the person you accuse of being racism probably shouldn’t be Rio Ferdinand or the person in point (b). That’s just a tip from me to you Mr. Blatter.

Feeling a bit plucky today? Why not try out Blatter’s Guide to Handshaking Out Racism and randomly insult people on your way home from work. Follow the above steps and let me know how long it is before you get stabbed in the face for being a giant c*nt home.

I’m off to get  Paris Fornicationseal’s new single. 

Enjoy your CL match this week, it’s all must win fun, so should keep me drinking heavily things fun!

jb xx

* this is not the time nor place to share your personal lives, I make no judgements

** may not have been the actual time

Bonus site for those of you being really irresponsible today: http://seppblatterwithblackpeople.wordpress.com/