Chelsea v Rubin Kazan: The Lone Ranger Strikes Aga... Finally

Who is this masked man?

Who was that masked man? No really. Who was he? Much has been undoubtedly and deservedly made of the man who masqueraded in a Torres shirt yesterday. What an absolutely brilliant game from the man who will henceforth be known as Zorres.*

The masked man of mystery knew he had a task ahead of him as much was made about the toe poke from his previously masked counterpart - Demba Ba. Only when Ba's mask was removed was he able to provide Chelsea with all the fire power his big toe could muster. How would Zorres cope as Torres is not one for competition. And with a guaranteed start on Thursday night's would his toes be able to live up to the press that Ba's did? Those were toes that eliminated Manchester United from another domestic cup.


But Zorres was more than up to the task. He started lively and created all sorts of problems for the mighty Rubin Kazan. With a ball that came straight from Rio**, he couldn't not score. It may not have been as heroic as Demba Ba's. It may also have been from his bottom, but he poked that ball into the back of the net with his little piggy that went to market with aplomb. This is a man who would not be denied.

Zorres will score goals and punch
you in the face

However, Zorres was briefly shown up by another man who hasn't exactly had the season that Chelsea hoped - Victor Moses. His volley was superb. Although Zorres played a large part in the leadup to that goal, he was going to have to strike again if this was going to be his night. The only thing better than Spurs drawing at home Bale not able to play against Chelsea in two weeks gin and tonic that goal was Zorres' header.

Of course the authority that this masked man commanded up front has lead to all sorts of question. Where has this man been all season? Is that actually Torres? Was this match really an elaborate advertisement for the dogging special on Channel 4? Will Eva put her ethics aside and tell Torres' nose is so fragile that he'll always have to wear the mask like Cech and his helmet? Only time will tell. But one thing for certain: Zorres is clearly superior to Torres. And Thursday night is HIS night.

There were some other men on the pitch who contributed in their own ways. Yossi Benayoun was a surprise inclusion in the starting XI because when he was still actually a good player, that was never seen on any of Benitez teamsheets. It's obvious that now would be the perfect time to start him - it's only Thursday night cup and viable shot at a trophy.

No Yossi, there can only be one Zorres

Unfortunately, John Terry did himself no favours in the infamous Benitez notebook by giving away a penalty last night. And although it's something that happens to just about everyone, it will now be used as an excuse by the Interim One to show why he's right and everyone else is wrong about the captain. So there.

As for Rubin Kazan, if you're named after a snack that comes with guacamole, you may want to consider having a serious number on the back of your shirt. The same goes for Rondon, Karadeniz, Sharonov and the rest. Your shirt numbers should not be greater than the number of supporters you bring to a match.

Up next for the Blues, the team lead by the man in his flip flop shame. And before you ask, no PDC does not want to rename the Black Cats.

jb x


* full credit to Rick Glanvill for arguably the best nick name I've ever seen

** I have taken that ball from Luiz out for dinner and will be having my way with it later