Exactly How I Looked When I Found Out Didi Wasn't Starting -- Like Looking in a Mirror...
Dear Champions League,
We need to talk.
I’m not sure how much more of your abuse I can really handle. Year after year, you use and abuse me, and then leave me a shaken and shattered mess. This relationship has clearly only ever been good for one of us, and frankly, I may be through with you.
Every year we go through this messy break up, and then you try and win your way back into my heart with your shiny trophy and big promises. You come with promises that this time, it will be different. This time, its really going to mean something. And yet, here I am, its not different, I have no shiny trophy. Bah.
This may have been the worst year yet.
Sure, you’ve been cruel in the past with your goals that never were. With your penalty shoot outs that you KNOW we won’t win. With the 173 penalties that you currently owe us after these years. But this – this was a tease of epic proportions and you know it.
Sure, there were whispers of how epic we could be, being the first team in London to win the elusive trophy and to do it in our own backyard. That would somehow makeup for the pains of Moscow or getting Overbo’d. Then you gave us a group that was so ridiculously easy that Rangers would have won their first European match in it and we were scoring goals for fun (while we weren’t doing it anywhere else). Then to make matters worse, you offered us up a little sacrificial lamb from Denmark. They hadn’t played a competitive match in months. I should have known the moment that we drew Copenhagen that when things seem to good to be true – they usually are...
Next up the quarters and semis where we were to face United and what looks like Schalke, avoiding the Spanish giants until an epic final where we could be facing The Special One. Oh yes, you certainly teased us all with this. I’m not going to pretend that United didn’t deserve to beat us, or they were going to be easy. But they are a team that hadn’t managed a victory on our ground in nearly a decade, and outside of themselves, we have arguably one of the best records at OT outside of themselves. Oh, Champions League, you fooled me, you had me believe...
The final slap in the face, was letting Didi score when we were down to 10. The 60 seconds of hope was like cruel and unusual punishment. As a side note, and not that I advocate this, but Ramires should have done Rio for feigning injury for 75 minutes. That would have been a worthwhile sending off. (Dear Rio, your merks were pathetic enough during World Cup – but were still more believable that your hobbling Harry act)
Take a long hard look at yourself Champions League. Outside of Barcelona and
But honestly, Champions League, what more do we need to do. We trimmed down over the summer and offered you a Dolce and Gabanna clad man who you’ve befriended in past. Not just once or twice, but five times between playing and managing. Five times! (Sorry, didn’t mean to sound like a Scouser there) Was your Istanbul breakup so horrible, that you can’t work it out? I mean, you were to blame for that heartbreak as well. Surely you owe the man and his dancing eyebrow something after that.
Not only did we trim down, but added some sex appeal (no not Ramires). I’ll be honest, I thought you’d enjoy a little Spanish eye candy, who among us doesn’t?!? Roman even broke tradition and came for an away match to try and make nice with you. What else do you want Champions League?
For now – we’re through. You're a f*cking disgrace.
I know you’ll come crawling back to me over the summer. But I just don’t know if I can forgive you this time.*
jb
no kisses
*ok...I’m weak, I know your summer promises will be too hard for me to ignore. But next year, you’ve got to promise to actually play nice.
Dear jb,
ReplyDeleteYou know that I love you and I really like your blue flag flying high and you know that my favourite snack is celery sticks.
I would love to see you hoisting that silver trophy in the air wearing your bright blue jerseys.
But please do me a favour. Make my job a little easier and meet me half way.
PUT TOGETHER A GREAT BUNCH OF PLAYERS AND GET A DECENT MANAGER!
All my love,
The Champion's League
Dear Jenny
ReplyDeleteHow are you old friend? It’s been a while. I’ve been thinking about you a lot recently and I think you would probably say the same if you were being honest. I want you back Jenny, I know I’ve let you down in the past and there were plenty of tears, but we’ve had some good times together too and I promise there’s more to come – this time it’ll be different.
I know you’ve heard that before, but I really mean it this time. Surely you can see how much of an effort I’m making. Kalou’s goal in Lisbon? That was just for you, I know how much you’ve always rated him. You must have enjoyed that night against Napoli, the spark was still there at Stamford Bridge wasn’t it, you still felt something for me after that right?
Just think how good it could be – we can meet up again in Munich in May – it could be the best night of your life. Forget Moscow, I know that hurt but it’s history and I’m trying to make up for it. I’ll admit I may have been attracted to your mates from Manchester and I saw a fair bit of them after that, but not anymore. I finished with them as soon as I could this season.
And I was having none of their neighbours City either. They were going all out to buy my affection but it didn’t work – I ditched them straight away as well. I could never fancy anyone with Carlos Tevez – although the feeling was mutual apparently, he didn’t want anything to do with me either that night in Munich.
To be honest I used to think you a bit guilty of being too showy and trying to splash the cash when we were dating as well. And I wasn’t impressed last year with spending 50 million on Torres, but it’s ok, you were on the rebound, you were angry and lashed out, I get it. We’re this close to a reunion despite Torres, not because of him. Just remember passion will get you further with me than cash – that’s why I brought in my financial fair play rules. You have work to do but you can get there – I want you to get there.
Admittedly I’ve been seeing a lot of Barcelona since we split – she is beautiful and we’ve had some good times together. But you know me, I get bored easily, I’ve never seen anyone for 2 years running. It’s your turn Jenny – if only you’ll trust me. I know you’re meeting Barcelona this month and it didn’t go well for you last time. That was my fault too – inviting Tom Henning Ovrebo was below the belt. He won’t be coming this time – if only you’ll come back to me then I can continue to right the wrongs. We’ve all made mistakes, I could throw Torres back in your face again here, (and Jose Bosingwa anyone?) You even brought in Andre Villas Boas because he pulled my sister the Europa League last season – a desperate move. You didn’t need to do that – I feel more drawn to you with Robbie, it’s more comfortable.
I know you still feel the same. The FA Cup is a good, traditional bloke but he’s not as exciting as me is he? Your affair with the Carling Cup barely registered to be honest, if that was to make me jealous you’ll have to do better but I know you can’t. I’ll admit I didn’t like seeing you with the Premier League, even though I’m much more handsome and cosmopolitan – but even he seems to have given up on you now. Or is it the other way around, did you get bored – wasn’t the same as with me was it?
So what do you say? Get back with me, one more chance and it’ll be different this time…
Love
The Champions League
xxxxx (lots of kisses)
The Cup is the Cup.The Championship League is just a tin pot
ReplyDelete