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| "LOOK AT ME" "NO, YOU LOOK AT ME" |
Although the dailies have a tendency to embellish facts completely blow things out of proportion to sell papers build matches up to often disappointing results, this weekend did not let most down - unless you were a Chelsea / Blackburn / Everton / Liverpool... OK, there were in fact a lot of matches that at the end of the day, did nowt to the table. So opening with the highs and lows at Stamford Bridge this past weekend would amount to wondering what Lukaku’s actual age is purpose is parents actually fed him and is Cech’s son too young to fill in for Turnbull. The only regrets any Cheslea supporter could have after this weekend was that David Brent’s Steve Kean’s video did not surface twenty four hours earlier.
One of the greatest things to happen in a match has to be when a large number of supporters and players feel that they have scored a goal, run off to celebrate it, only to find out later it was denied. *cough* Andy Carroll *cough* ... The disappointed grumblings and sad little faces is amazing -- unless it’s my sad little face, in which case there is absolutely nothing funny about that. So, to my sheer sadistic delight, how great was it to have Manchester United supporters thinking they won the league six weeks ago and finding out two minutes later, that their ‘noisy neighbours’ had done the ‘impossible’ and won it. Scenes. This moment may top Nani’s tears when he failed the BGT audition as a Michael Jackson impersonator met Jamie Carragher’s boot.
Of course all the drama wasn’t isolated to talk of titles, relegation battles, and the infamous fourth place that no one really wanted for large parts of this season. There were two men who really stepped up in their bid to be tw*t of the week, but there’s always more. Feel free to add to the list as you see fit.
Carlos Tevez
He’d definitely get my vote. In fact, he’s actually held that vote for the majority of the season. Even by being on top of the bus gloating about his contribution to Manchester City’s league is nausea inducing. Unless he feels a productive contribution is by f*cking off on holidays for almost the entire season only to show up right at the end and claim some glory from everyone else’s hard work. Who does he think he is? Michael Owen? But then to add *that* sign as his only contribution to City this season just to assure attention was still on him and not the team or its supporters smacks of desperation. This man needs more validation of his existence than even Joey Barton. No really.
As a sidenote: someone show Tevez a horror film. If he knew anything about anything, invoking the monster like this will only make him grab your ankle and shoot you in the face - or as I like to call it for Tevez, reconstructive surgery.
Joey Barton
I’d be remiss in not discussing Joseph. Those who know me, have been disappointed in me for years in my defense of his antics - so, I’m not about to let any of them down now. Admittedly, I’ve been disappointed in him this season. I thought he really lost the cheeky chappy when he started tweeting about nappy’s rather than pretending his grammatical errors are completely on purpose and that he’s only doing it to draw people in. I mean, we all totally believe that he’s trying to wind people up through poor grammar, right? Righto. Anyways, the true JB (no relation) was lurking under the surface. Elbowing Tevez was a work of genius for both of their fragile ‘look at me’ egos, but then to take out Aguero and have a little headbutt attempt at Kompany was classic Barton. It was bad enough that Mario Balotelli! felt the need to step in to help. You know things are off the rails when Balo has thought things have gone too far. Was that the end of Joseph? Oh no. This is a man now armed with a Blackberry (other smart phones are available) and a twitter account. To watch himself on MOTD and then say exactly what we all think about have a go at Shearer was immense. To threaten to out Shearer and then Lineker’s indiscretions was the work of a mad genius. Get your popcorn - if his proposed 9/10 match ban sets in, he’ll have a lot more time on his hands. Welcome back Joey, welcome back.
Some men who have offered themselves up for your consideration:
Sam Allardyce
For consulting lawyers with regards to Kean's video. This is @The_Big_Sam all over again. I don't think he needs to bring civil suits into play for anyone to know he's a humourless git.
Samir Nasri
For thank Arsenal supporters for all their love and support by telling them how much they should enjoy third place - while he enjoys a title.
Gary Lineker
For not offering Joey Barton some Walkers to appease the beast.
John W Henry
For having a completely unnecessary middle initial. Considering ridding the league of Anfield's home form by dethroning the king. Although, if I'm being honest, I'm really looking forward to the appointment of Anfield Cat. Word is, he's got a suit ready to prevent any further Cup Final embarassment.
So, before the madness of silly season aka ‘where will Robin Van Persie be playing next season tedium’ sets in, there is one massive game to go. Would Tottenham being kicked out of their Champions League position be even funnier than this weekend? Fingers crossed we all get to find out.*
See you in MunichMunich
jb xx
* apologies to an unnamed Sp*rs supporting FourFourTwo features editor James Maw who would like to remain completely anonymous.
** bonus site: http://sadunitedfans.tumblr.com/
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