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Mario Fawkes: Now with extra
fire power.

You are people with too much time on your hands, or irresponsible employees looking to kill some time. Somehow, this doesn't seem quite as catchy as it started out... Anyways....

To quote the EoD in his finest eyebrow-iest glory, this is a “bad moment” for Chelsea. Not only have we lost two consecutive London derbies and drew with a team who’s away kit was designed by Victoria’s Secret (other pink pants companies are available). But we have now had more men dismissed than Kim Kardashian. RIP Kris Humphries bollocks career.

Coincidental that I have been suspiciously absent bathing in gin at the same time? There may have been a minor pity party. There were invitations for you all, and as you’ve left me to it, well, I can’t really be responsible for the mishaps in and around South West London. There may be fireworks, there may be a bathroom... it’s now on you lot.

Of course, leave it to Chelsea’s captain fantastic to save the day once again. To distract anyone from considering actual football / defensive lapses. (And by defensive lapses I mean someone who needs to divide and conquer his eyebrows more than Robbie Savage needs to seek help for his spray tan addiction). As you well now, JT is now fully embroiled in the race row that won’t die. Just because he requested to sit on the bench last night so he didn’t have to face Vanden Borre, doesn’t mean he has a problem. Of course the supporters did their part to continue this mass distraction of Chelsea’s poor footballing form by singing out of sheer boredom in support of Terry. Although the chants were also branded as racist, I’m afraid that Anton does in fact know that he is ... a Ferdinand. And despite the club’s protests, Ferdinand is in fact synonymous with c*nt. 

Chelsea’s supporters have been loving the spotlight this week and have made the news this week for more than their collective X-Factor audition in Belgium on Tuesday. Of course, the Pitch Owners succeeded in securing more than 30% of the vote to ensure that Stamford Bridge couldn’t have been dug up and re-emerge where some of Roman’s other ‘projects’ have re-emerged. *taps nose* As I’m hoping to not randomly turn up anywhere near spitting distance of the Black Dolphin prison, I’ll leave it at that. Anyways, there was more bra-burny type giddiness than when Raquel Welch made an appearance. (If you don’t know - look it up and can thank me later for the pictures). Anyways, it was all warm and fuzzy and by that I mean lager soaked and silly after. Obviously once everyone manages to sober up, there will be much more to come.

In other news of people who may want to consider moving, those near Mario Balotelli’s house in Cheshire may want to think about getting as far away from there as possible (if they haven’t done so already). If it weren’t bad enough that there houses stood a pretty substantial chance of being hit by a stray firework, Balo has now got himself a quad bike. But being Balo, he couldn’t just get a quad bike. No. He has only gone an excavated his entire back garden to give himself a proper quad bike track. People of Cheshire, do not say I didn’t warn you. 

And for those of you looking for something in addition to the final matches before the ever dreaded (and pointless ‘friendly’) International break, why not make your own effigy to Balotelli for Guy Fawkes night. Remember: take pictures or it never happened.

jb xx